ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Sceal]

Sending you some warmth tonight, I've a feeling you could need some extra warmth tonight. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you hope and sceal - warmth is exactly what i need.  and, yes, of course, el, i always know you're here.

having some terrible insomnia lately.  the other nite i had to take a xanax to sleep at 5:30 a.m.  right now it's 3:30, and i'm exhausted but feel like i'm in the midst of an anxiety attack.  same with several other nights.  i'm thinking it's cuz i'm nervous about getting a phone call from the mr.

last nite the phone rang once at midnite, stopped ringing by the time i got to it, and no number showed.  it freaked me out.  worried that he's gonna call when he's drunk - he knows i have sleep problems, we used to talk in the middle of the nite all the time while he was at work.  i'm freaked right now.

think i'll find a soothing book, see if that will calm me down.  the past couple of weeks have been difficult, already xanax'ed my way thru several, don't want to do that again if i can help it.  i hate this feeling.  my body is simply vibrating all over the place.  feels so weird.   maybe an adrenaline flow?  i don't know.  i just wish it would stop.  give me strength. 

dang, i'm glad i'm out of that relationship, but these aftershocks are horrible.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet San,
I just want you to know that I'm sending you love and support.  I know that last week was difficult for you.  (Mine was too) BUT!!! I bounced back quicker this time!   You will bounce back too my friend. 

Try not to fight the emotions.  Let them boil over and overflow a bit.  It is nothing short of debilitating to fight them all day.  Let those toxins loose my friend.  Sitting with you with my arm around you. I can even rub your back if you like and chase away the bad dreams so you can rest 

So much love to you

[sanmagic7]

yes, of course, db, i fight the emotions all the time since forever.  i 'shouldn't' still be letting this bother me, etc.  you're  right, tho, to just let them be, be as messy as i need to be for as long as it takes.  it is what it is, all that.  and thank you for staying by my side.   you are a wonderful friend - i appreciate you so much.  big inhale, exhale as i imagine you by my side.  it feels good.

[Sceal]

Sounds to me that you're struggling with the hyper activity part of the PTSD right now, honey. It's so hard to deal with. All the sounds gets louder, all the thoughts and worries gets extra crisp and sharp and scary.
You also say that you "shouldn't" be letting it affect you. But how about you meet your emotions half-way? Accept that they are there, and perhaps that will calm them down a little. Lower that suffering a smidge? 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, my darling sceal, of course.  fighting those emotions is never a good way to go.  unfortunately, i don't always have a handle on which emotions are there, which keeps me confused for a lot of the time. 

the other night i was finally able to realize that my anxiety at bedtime was because i was fearing that the mr. would call and i didn't know how to respond.  also, i'm reading 'to kill a mockingbird' and found the part that explains the title.  a character in the story explains that 'it's a sin to kill a mockingbird' cuz they only bring music to the world, never bother.  that sentence hit me hard.

suddenly i saw myself in that mockingbird reference, bringing music to the relationships i've had, and most lately to the mr.  i'm good in relationships at making others feel good about themselves, and the mr. needed a lot of that, which i happily provided. 

when i was still at the house, and the blow-up occurred, he got really mad at me, basically threw me out of his life, and stopped talking to me.  never an explanation why or what was going on between us.  i was hurt and confused.  it took me 3 days to get mad about being treated like that.  it took a few weeks to actually shed tears over the loss.  but, i did cry about it, felt it, was in pain because of it.

when we got back together, i told him how much that hurt me, that kind of behavior, and never to do it again.  he said 'ok'.  the next time (this last time) we were together i told him again how much he'd hurt me by doing that (we were talking about forgiveness, and i said that i'd forgiven him for his behaviors cuz i thought we could still make something good for ourselves by being together.  color me a romantic fool.

anyway, the next week was my birthday, he called early, we had a long chat, it started my day off beautifully.  i think it was the next day that i wrote the email that held all my anger for what he'd done (putting me on the ground in the midst of what i thought was going to be a lesson in self-defense), and sent it.  in all these months, i must've written 50 emails that he'd seen but never read.  he told me he didn't usually read them or listen to the messages i left when i called.

that day was the last day i'd heard from him.  don't know what happened (altho, if he'd decided to read the email, yeah, that could've been upsetting.  i didn't hold anything back, said i had to get the anger out, and i did).  but, he just stopped communicating - haven't heard from him since.  it's been a replay exactly of what i'd told him had hurt me so much.

so, when i read that line about killing a mockingbird, it struck me personally.  he'd done the thing to me that he knew would hurt me.  did it purposefully, and if i'm a whiny little victim here, so be it.  i didn't deserve that treatment again no matter what i'd said (if that was even it - i don't know to this day).  and i burst into tears, sobs one more time.

this is new to me, this crying after a broken relationship.  i hadn't cried over any of them in the past, still haven't for most of them.  however, some of it has started showing itself in these past batches of tears last week.  (i remember once thinking that i would never allow a man to make me cry.  that's a lot of tears stored up.  somehow i thought i wasn't gonna be one of those 'weak' women who cry after a man.  and i didn't). 

now, i see the crying as something natural, a response to pain and loss rather than weakness.  so, i saw myself as the mockingbird, and how he wanted to hurt me, and it's been this kind of thing that has come close to killing me several times thru the years, and i cried and cried.  how hurtful are people!  what is their deal?  and then i got mad.

how dare he treat me like this.  and i didn't feel anxious about hearing from him anymore, not anxious about what i might say to him.  it was cathartic and freeing.  i do believe that our power is found in our anger.  (*^(^& him!!!  if it was indeed that email that set this off like it's gone, i'm so very glad i wrote it.   i believe that was divine intervention helping me get out of what was less than a stellar relationship.  i just didn't want to see it before this.  i was so needy.

so, feeling a bit better today.  still tired, it's been a roller coaster.  off to the porch once again today.  hopefully i'll settle down soon.   but i'm more willing to let time do its thing, and just be with it.  i think that's a good thing.

[Deep Blue]

San,
That comparison to the mockingbird is very wise and very true.  Sometimes other people leech the goodness from us.  Can I just say about your broken relationship.... it seems that you are not the one that shattered the companionship.  You saw him break that piece of pottery, then haphazardly put it back together and then break it again.

I was watching a show the other day and a woman broke one of her favorite coffee mugs.  Her friend mended it and gave it back to her.  Her friend said... while I was fixing your mug I realized you are not the mug. (Cared for but broken). You are the glue. (You are the one that helps put pieces back together again).  Maybe that's why you and the Mr were not destined to work.  You can't always be the one to fix his messes. 

Sending you some feathered wings to envelop you and help you to settle darling.  Much love to you ❤️

[sanmagic7]

i can feel those wings and they're beautiful, db.  thank you so much.

no, we're not destined to be together.  my d observed that our personalities are totally opposite, and i agree.  i got what i wanted, but i didn't realize the aftermath would be so difficult to overcome.  dang.

i heard that when a woman has sex, it releases oxytocin into her system, and she imprints on the person she's with.  that's why sex has a much more emotional level to it for women (usually) than for men.  don't know if this is true, but it's an interesting concept.  i may want to research it a bit. 

i'm still so tired.  we've been battling this flea infestation for 3 weeks now, my d and her cat are miserable, we're doing everything we can to get relief.  i've dealt with this before, it's the pits.  apparently, the flea problem is widespread in town due to mild weather, so it's not just us.  unexpected.

back to the porch the rest of the day.  i hope this passes soon and i get some decent rest/sleep in the next few days.  i'm still sore from being taken down 3 weeks ago - my body doesn't heal as fast as it used to - so that sucks, too.

gonna be watching tennis today.  my boy rafa will be playing.  just gonna sit back, maybe be a little creative on my new website.  that's kind of exciting.  but mostly, rest, sleep, snooze.  sounds heavenly. 

[Elphanigh]

Lots of love to you my dear    I will be out on the porch today too for company if you want it

[Hope67]

  to you SanMagic, and hope your tennis guy does well.    
Hope 

[Sceal]

hope watching the tennis match will give you some relief from thinking and pondering other things and give you some joy in the day. 

[sanmagic7]

the irony is my tennis guy withdrew due to injury.  hahaha!

el, hope, and sceal, thanks.  hugs and love to you, too.

[Deep Blue]

Sorry about Rafa San 

The flea infestation sounds awful.  My friend, who is a vet says it's much more effective to buy flea collars for pets instead of those drops on the back.  He said it's more cost effective and works well.

Do you know any natural remedies? I'm sure there is something.  Sending you love friend

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie, for the flea collar tip.  the vet in town here recommended the stuff on the back of the neck.  maybe we'll do a flea collar next.  we're trying everything we can think of - vinegar solution is being sprayed everywhere multiple times, salted the carpets, my d sprays herself (she says she smells like easter eggs all the time - lol!), we bombed the place 2 weeks ago - that has been exhausting all on its own.  wah!

feel better today - got some decent sleep for a change.  what a difference it makes. 

was able to verbalize yesterday that the handyman guy who was fixing stuff on our house was really coming on to me very inappropriately.  took a day and a half for it to get from my brain to my mind to my mouth.  we decided we'd make sure not to have him here again when we need more stuff done.  if they ask why, we'll tell them at the time. 

too tired to stir it up, but i'm ok with our decision.   no touching involved, but verbal stuff and standing too close kind of thing.  dang, will this crapola never stop?

otherwise, i feel more rested, feel a bit more energized.  flu shot, errands today, walking in the rain most likely.  lovely soft rain, sounds so good at night to sleep to.  it's nice to feel a little more alive.

[Three Roses]

Fleas suck! (haha, see what I did there? 😉)

I agree with DB that flea collars are easy but the problem is that they'll only poison the fleas that are traveling to the eyes for water. Some fleas travel to... uh, the other end for refreshment. 🤢 There are many options available for pet owners, here's a link for more info. https://www.petcarerx.com/article/how-do-flea-collars-work/133

Also, you may want to look into diatomaceous earth as one option. It's natural and won't make anyone sick - there's even a food grade form of it. More info here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diatomaceous earth, scroll down to "Pest Control", and also check out http://www.absorbentproductsltd.com/diatomaceous-earth-for-fleas.html, but that will have ads, but contains a lot of useful info. Good luck!