ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

3r, blueberry, and hope -  to each of you.  thank you, as always, for your support.

anjulie, a belated thank you and  also.  it's good to be reminded we don't have to be perfect.

a lot has happened in the past several weeks.  the mom and d are still doing my group (it runs 6 weeks), and it's been a hodgepodge of changed times, changed days, lots of mom/d dynamics that have had to be addressed.  the d got assessed 2 wks. ago by a shrink, who told her she has ocd, put her on antidepressants cuz she's also depressed - talks about wanting to die. she told me that she'd be willing to take them for a month, see how it goes.

last week she came w/ her mom to meet w/ me, but had decided not to do the meds, and was going to move into her own space alongside a grandma, aunt, and uncle in another town.  she's been extremely isolated, has shared a room w/ her mom the past several years, has been home-schooled, and has no friends close by.  the move would give her an opportunity for some space away from mom, work a job for pay (get some responsibility), and she has 2 girlfriends there.  sounded good.

today, i got an email from the mom that the d is suicidal, mom has to stay w/ the d, she couldn't make it to meet w/ me today - and, yeah   .  i'm not doing therapy w/ them, so i don't feel responsible - seems to me like the d  got overwhelmed - but it still hits me.  these weeks of having clients, while they've each gone really well, have been way more stressful than i imagined.  last week, every so often while i was sitting with them, suddenly i was feeling my muscles tense up in my legs/arms for no apparent reason.  it's just more than i can take.

it's been a lot of prep work every week - i haven't presented this info for over 20 yrs., and it was always to adults - and even tho i've got it written down, i've had to make notes for myself to refer to cuz i couldn't remember anything from week to week.  so, i've been having to push myself between meetings to re-read each chapter, make notes, then study them so i looked at least like i knew what i was talking about.

in the midst of this, i got a letter from the mr. (thank you, sceal), wanting me back.  ok, that was  scary as all get out!  i agonized over that for 2 weeks.  seems he deleted both my email and phone # after he read the last email i'd sent him, letting out some anger at a fool move he'd made that caused me to fall.  if it hadn't been for our trusty ottoman, i would;'ve hit the floor.  and, at my age, (which i've already told him), the #1 priority is no falls for me.

it took me all that time, sleepless nites, countless memories, nerves galore, before i could fashion a letter that said, in essence, that because of what had gone down before (no pun intended), i was going to decline his offer.  i sent it out at the beginning of this week, and knew that he'd be getting it yesterday or today, and the night before last i had a horrible nightmare about screaming at my sister because of something she'd done,

i was able to put that in connection w/ the mr. thing.  i've often substituted my sister for my nc d when it's come to getting mad at her in dreams.  because of our circumstances, her illnesses, etc., i never allowed myself to get mad at her.  however, all that anger was stored, and it looks like there's still some there i haven't dealt with. 

what i was mad about was the idea that w/ this rejection letter i'd written to the mr., i anticipated that he was going to get mad  and therefore there would be horrible vibes aimed at me, even if he never made contact w/ me.  the connection to my d is that while she was in high school, she told her friends and teachers lies about me phys, abusing her, soc. services was called on me, and all her friends hated me.  i didn't know this about her friends until much later, but i couldn't understand why none of her friends would ever come over.  our house was always kid-friendly, and my other d's friends were over all the time.

long story short, after a crisis, i got hold of her diary, and she'd written in there that her boyfriend didn't want to come over cuz he was afraid he'd kill me if he saw me.  i was stunned at the hostility that was floating around toward and about me, when i hadn't done anything to warrant it.  so, the thought of the mr. being really mad - he does have anger/rage issues - triggered me something terrible.  i'm just coming down from the aftermath of that today, but also heard about the mom and d's dilemma, and it's too much stress.  one more time.

so, i just wanted to write about it here, get it out of me.  i always know that i'm cared about here, that this is a safe place to vent, put out my emotions, just let things out of me.  i'm considering writing a letter to not send to my nc D, but not right now.  i've got to get thru this mom/d clients thing first.  too much!!!!  i'm feeling kind of frozen right now, but i guess i thawed enough to be able to write this, and for that i'm glad.

[Not Alone]

  Sending you a caring hug.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, notalone.  what a great name you chose - a wonderful reminder for me and all of us, actually.  your caring helps.

[Three Roses]

Sending all the positivity to you that's possible, my friend.  💜

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my dear 3r.  i've got it and it's helped.  i'm feeling more settled tonite, so that feels good.  just too much stuff in too short a time.  going to take it slow this weekend - that'll help, too. 

[sanmagic7]

wow - i responded to 2 journals this morning, and suddenly my head is spinning.  guess it's not time yet.

gonna go do some regular household chores, get away from thinking for a bit.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
You responded to my Journal, and I thank you so much - but please be kind to yourself and I'd like to send you a supportive hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope.  that was lovely to hear.

i'm still under the weather.  worse today than a few days ago.  just stress - JUST!  laying low, clear liquids, just got done w/ a deadline earlier in the week and it set me down again. 

love to you all.

[Not Alone]

Please continue to get rest and have good self-care. Hope you feel better soon. 

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thank you for that.  it helps - always.

today feels a bit stronger.  another death yesterday that i grieved.  this crapola just keeps coming.  can't catch a week w/o something extremely emotional or difficult to deal w/ getting in the way of eliminating this stress i'm surrounded w/.  ugh!  so very tired of it.  we're living in a beautiful place, and we've had non-stop issues to deal w/ for the past year.  it just hasn't let up!

so, still down but feeling a bit more rested.  just gotta keep on staying down.  it's the only thing that helps.  love and hugs to everyone.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Glad to hear that you're feeling a bit more rested.  Sending you love and hugs.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for the well wishes, the love and the hugs, hope.  they are always appreciated.

i'm having a hard time getting out of stress mode.  my d just came down w/ strep, and, as always, i'm not a very good nurse to others.  it's not that i don't want to help them out - i truly do - but it's so stressful to me and i don't like it.  i can feel my chest tightening as i speak of it.  honestly, we've been in this house one year (in 7 days, exactly), and it has been one thing after another. 

i just got to a place where i was doing some recovery work on myself, which is stressful enough in itself, and then this happened.  i didn't really get a chance to recover from the emotional part of the work and we were off to the urgent care doc yesterday morning.  now she's beginning to cough, so i know it's getting worse.  we won't know if it's viral or bacterial till after the weekend.  ugh! 

so, i decided to just dump some of this stuff here.  i'm just not good at this - i wish i could be.  i just want to hide in my room till she gets better, but i know she wants company, and she needs me to fetch and carry for her at times.  i know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it has been like this for me for as long as i can remember.  it's a part of myself that i'm not very fond of.  ok, i hate this about myself.  and i hate having to wait on people.

yuck!  that's what it felt like to admit that.  i'm very good at giving when i want to, but illness has its own demands.  she's not demanding, not one bit, but i know that i really want some extra tlc when i'm sick - it just comes w/ the territory  - so that's where the expectations come in.  it's pressure i put on myself, cuz most people are more than happy to help out.  my hub took care of me for years while i've been sick, he always did it w/ a glad heart.  i wish i could get to that place.!!!

ok, deep breath,  let out that crapola.  i'm even wearing a mask to protect myself from her germs, but inside i'm scared to death that i've already got the bug and it's going to show up sometime next week.  please, no.  wow - i'm in rather a tizzy, aren't i!  this crapola sucks!  me, included.

[Blueberry]

Sending germ-free 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry - that brought a chuckle from my heart!

was able to get out and walk a little bit this morning, listened to the birds, smelled the trees, picked some flowers.  that helped replenish my soul.  i feel more ready and able to be a caregiver today, at least that's something.  dishes and repotting orchids are on my agenda for today.  we'll see! 

[Sceal]

Nature has a wonderful way of healing and being uplifting.