ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Tee]

I am younger by a few decades and am so grateful for all of the support and life Experience here in so thankful I found this place. I'm almost 40 and have lived through enough that I shouldn't have that my mind is at constant war with it's self.  I feel like I'm going crazy a lot of the time.

I had to quit the job that I went to school for cause I couldn't do it any more when I no longer has my fractured parts to help me deal with the stress and when I regained my emotions.  The funny thing is I was a teacher with little to no emotions.

I do hope that I can get this figured out and be in a better place in my life.   And I thank all of you who are older San, and blueberry for being here to encourage and help and share your stories, and honestly for helping get trauma therapies to where they are so that I might have a chance.  You are so brave!

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry, thanks for the hugs and support.  i'm so very glad for you that you have a t who is helping you with all of it, including past unhelpful therapy.  2 decades ago, i had no idea as to what was going on - i was drinking, smoking, doing drugs.  those are things of the past, tho.  in my 40's i was in the midst of doing therapy w/ the npd t, and was dealing w/ my nc ex and d. 

so, that's part of the progress i've made in that amount of time, but it was nearly all without knowing about c-ptsd - that didn't happen till about 6 yrs. ago.  still, a lot of progress on some major negativity in my life.  and just in this past 2 yrs. i've gotten away from 3 majorly negative people, including my landlady and her household, my bff for 20 yrs., and the mr.  so, the progress isn't stopping, but neither is the pain, both physical and emotional.  there's still just too much hiding inside.

it lessens as i keep working on it, tho, which is good.  it's just that the reality of my age, the fact that i don't have a professional to help me thru this, and that every time i feel better, some other stressful thing comes along and it sinks me yet again.  these parts don't stop.  it's getting harder and harder to keep picking myself up time after time.

tee, i'm so very glad for you that you've caught this while you're younger.  you have every chance to beat this, of that i have no doubt.  i know that crazy feeling, and all i can say is that it gets better, calmer, as you continue to progress.   i had to quit my job, too, the one i loved, cuz i got too sick from absorbing all the stress of emotions that i couldn't express, and from those of others.  thanks for the support, sweetie.  you will do well, i can tell.  you've already made progress from the first time you wrote in your journal!   one foot in front of the other.

sending love and hugs to you both.  thank you for your support and well wishes.  they are so appreciated.  i have no doubt i will get out of this funk eventually - i'm just so worn out that it takes its time.

[Tee]

 :hug:I mask things well but I'm trying.  I hope things get better for you San.  Here for you!

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee.  i appreciate you being here for me - you don't know how much it means to me.  it really does help. 

if i may say so, i think you're doing more than trying - i think you're doing.  you're sharing and you're giving support to others as well.  that's what progress looks like.  well done!   

[sanmagic7]

well, that dank darkness has lifted.  i did some brainspotting this morning, a generic target of intrusive thoughts about my ncD.  i could feel a shift again.  i saged the negativity away, took a nap, and this afternoon things feel clearer, and i'm feeling more 'up'.  it's a really nice feeling after the crapola i was feeling the past couple of days.  thank you, god!

i still feel realistic about my age and recovery, but not so heavy about it.  much better.  if this is an indication that things/people from my past can intrude and be an overwhelming burden that attempts to pull me under, then i have a clearer idea of how to take care of that.   so far, so good.  i guess i didn't consciously realize how very heavy this crapola can be, like an anchor dragging along the bottom of a dark, scary lake.  ugh!  so, if i can turn that anchor from concrete into styrofoam, it looks like chances are better that i don't have to stay at the bottom of this.

i know blueberry asked if this might be an ef when i go thru it.  i honestly don't know.  i do know that i experienced one not long ago w/ a t i had seen, and it didn't feel anything like this.  but, i also believe i was in an ef several years ago that lasted 8 mos., but that had no focus to it.  it was just a general feeling out of sorts, helpless, anxiety-ridden, didn't now where to turn, desperate.  i don't think this felt the same - it had a realistic focus to it, one that made sense to me.  the other didn't.

i don't know.  since i don't always have my emotions around me, accessible, i may not always be able to tell what's really going on w/ me.  i'll just leave that alone - i don't think i'll ever truly be able to figure that part out.  i think i'll just take these feelings as they come and not try to analyze them too closely - i can drive myself crazy that way.

[Tee]

 
I'm glad that you are feeling a little better.  I hope that you come to feel better.  One step at a time right.

[sanmagic7]

yep, tee, one step at a time is absolutely correct.   

this morning, i woke up hot and in pain way too early.  i'd forgotten to take my advil before bed last nite.  i won't make that mistake again.

it's been lovely having so much stress lifted from me recently, especially that i've felt well enough to write here, be more involved again on the forum.  a little at a time.   i know i'm missing out on some wonderful people cuz i can't respond to everyone, and i wish it could be different.   unfortunately . . .  i can only do what i can do. 

so, happy 4th.  we're planning to go to the beach tonite, watch the sunset and fireworks that people bring.  we did this last year, it was great fun.  it wasn't very crowded, but there were enough fireworks to keep us happy.  it's hard to look forward to that right now cuz of the pain, but hopefully that will change by tonite.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope you enjoy the Fireworks tonight, and that your pain is less by then.  Happy 4th July to you. 
Hope 

[Tee]

I hope you feel better by tonight so you can enjoy yourselves at the beach.  I'm getting off work in time to get home and out of the downtown firework mess of tonight.  Crowds are still very triggering for me I have then with my kids to give them the experience but since my girls at camp my boy said he's to big for it this year I said cool.

Had a rough night after counciling and am cycling today already so don't need more to deal with.  I'll be going home. 

Hope everyone has a great 4th though!

[Three Roses]

Happy 4th! Feel better soon. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope, glad you're back.  thanks for the well wishes.

hi tee, thank you, too.  don't know if i'll make it tonite - i'm all stuffed up, feeling crappy again.  this junk comes and goes w/ me way too much.  just the other day i was feeling so good, pretty stress free, then it hit me again today.  don't know what's up.  we'll see how tonite goes.  i'm glad you were able to avert the crowds.

hey, 3r, happy 4th to you, too.  and thank you for the well wishes.  i hope i do.

it feels like stress flu once again.  everything was seeming to be getting better and better.  maybe i've been holding my breath, so to speak, cuz my d has still felt out of sorts.  today was the first day she said she didn't feel actually sick.  maybe this is my crash after being on alert w/ her.  now that i write it, i'll bet that's it.  dang.

so, back to taking it totally easy again,  maybe we'll drive tonite instead of walk - we've got the car for 2 more days before our neighbor gets back.  it looks like it's going to be a gorgeous sunset like last year, too.  i really don't want to miss that.  we'll see.

honestly, i think my life is a series of 'we'll see's' over and over again. 

[Tee]

Well I hope you are able to enjoy you evening.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee - that's very sweet of you.

had a good talk w/ my d last nite.  she's noticed that when i feel 'good' i tend to run around doing stuff like a mad woman, instead of pacing myself.  i told her that i always feel like, it i feel good, now's the time to do stuff, cuz i don't know when or if i'll get that chance again - this off and on feeling crappy has lasted for so many years, so many cancellations of plans that i hesitate to plan anything w/ anyone anymore.  it's frustrating to me and i don't like disappointing people.

she assured me that she's not disappointed, for one thing.  for another, she thought it may be a healthier attitude to do things cuz i want to do them and feel like doing them rather than for a doom and gloom future reason.  that made sense to me - attitude can make a lot of difference in things, i've found.  so, this morning, i felt like walking and worked at shooing away neg. thoughts about the future.  i enjoyed the walk, was glad i did it, and i feel pretty good.  one step at a time.

we did enjoy the evening, even if we didn't go see fireworks.  we heard them, tho, and had our chat instead.  that was better to me.

[Three Roses]

That sounds like a lovely evening to me!

[Tee]

That's awesome glad you had a good evening. Fireworks will be around next year