ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Not Alone]

Glad you had a nice evening with your daughter.
Here is a firework for you. 

[sanmagic7]

o, notalone, that was perfect!  thank so very - fireworks always bring a smile to my heart!   

[sanmagic7]

as i've been doing some processing lately, especially about my ex, i've discovered (thru something i read in another journal and some extra research) that i may have energy blockages going on, and they've been contributing to my chronic aches and pains.  so, i'm looking into chakras and energy work, something i really haven't paid attention to very much in the past.  a lot of what i've found seems to be hitting my nail on the head, especially about trauma from before birth to 2 yrs. old.

of course, once again, i can't afford to go to someone to help me with this, but i found some info on how to do it on my own, how to unblock these energy centers and get rid of them.  also, i've been discovering how the very early trauma has affected me in my sense of self (or not) and some of the major behaviors i've exhibited and what they mean.  it's all very interesting, and is making more sense than i thought it might.  from my floaty feeling most of my life to craving touch (and often getting it thru sex, which was denied me by all 3 hubs), leaving me with the feeling that i can't get enough of what i want/need.  all i had before was confusion and a strong urge to do things to prove myself - mostly to my dead father.

so, very interesting.  we'll see where i go with this.  one more adventure.  sometimes i wish i could just leave all this alone, just live my life, but then when i wake up in the morning, moaning and groaning in pain, i think that i really do want this to at least diminish - it would make my life a lot more pleasant, less stressful.  and i'm all about less stress.  deep breath.  here i go again!

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee - hugs always appreciated!   

[Tee]

I hope you find some answers! 

[Three Roses]

I took the free test at this website, https://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/chakratest then followed the directions for balancing the ones the test showed were out of balance. Thanks for reminding me of this, because it really helped! Hopefully it will bring you back to feeling energetic. 

[sanmagic7]

tee, thank you for your support   

3r, thanks for the link.  i'm going to try something this morning - i hope it helps, too.  it would be nice.   

[sanmagic7]

so i did some chakra work, combined it w/ brainspotting,, trying to clear this blockage i've been reading about.  profound realizations.  i'm so sad about my life.  my trauma began in the birth canal, metal forceps cut my face near my eye, so i must've been a bloody mess (more than usual) when i was born.  as my father was wont to tell me, i was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen.  no wonder there have been no baby pictures of me!  who'd want to show off that?  who'd be proud of that?  who'd want to acknowledge that?

all this is streaming from me as we speak.  the idea of not being a little person who was hidden away . . . without realizing it, i've been terrified all my life, have been living in survival mode, looking for someone to tell me i'm beautiful (only one man has ever made me feel that way), looking for the dad who would protect me, claim me, be proud of me, let me know that i belonged no matter what.  i've just learned that i've felt i haven't belonged here my entire life.  everyone else was more important, and i was expendable.

i can't count the times i've said to others 'you deserve to be here for the mere sake of being born', yet i was carrying that around within me, not believing i deserved that w/o knowing it until today.  so i've been looking for someone who would take care of me, protect me, not reject me, and of course i chose all those who didn't do any of it.  looking for someone who wouldn't do what my dad did, i chose men who were just like him.

survival - i didn't realize that's what i was all about all these years.  mere survival.  gathering resources in the men i knew, keeping a 'stash' that i could possibly tap in case i needed one, no matter how dysfunctional, unhealthy, mean they might be.  i always thought that one bad one was at least better than none at all, that i could 'handle it' just so long as i was rescued from being alone, on my own, trying to survive when i never believed i could.

yet, the evidence points in a different direction.  i've done a lot on my own, gotten a lot of help along the way, always found a way, but i kept that 'stash' ready.  i suspect that's why i still keep in touch w/ my hub in mex - if anything happened to my d, i wouldn't be able to afford to live here, and i know he'd let me come back.  a fail-safe against my extinction.  survival mechanism in place, no matter how much i wouldn't want to do it.  i'd have only one other option, beside living on the street. 

too terrible to contemplate.  this has rocked me back on my heels.  this is a time when i wish i had a t to talk to, help me out.  this is the reason i've been 'floaty' most all my life, floated from here to there, no plan, no goals, just whisk away on the wind wherever it took me.  it didn't matter, never mattered, cuz i didn't matter.  what a horrible realization.

i'm not at the point yet, i don't think, where i can claim my space on this earth, altho after my nap i fixed my hair and put on makeup.  i never do that unless we're going out, and we have no plans.  my chest is tight - fear, i can recognize that sign now - i am afraid.  this knowledge, maybe i was better off not knowing it.  tears coming now.  i feel so sorry for myself at this moment.  all i lived in was a mist of confusion, and now that mist has been broken in a big way, and it scares the bejeesus out of me.  i don't know why.

[Tee]

  I'm here for you! You are not alone it's ok to afraid!

[Three Roses]

We're here for you, honey. Maybe this realization is just the swing of the pendulum to one extreme on a spectrum, the end of denial. The beginning of walking a brighter path of self nurture, where you won't need a man to tell you you're worthy and beautiful, because you'll know you just are.

I know someone who would say, "Dang, this crapola sucks! Wrapping my earth mother spirit around you in a gigantic nurturing hug! Standing with you, sweetie."

[Deep Blue]

I'm here for you too sweetie 

[MoonBeam]

Sanmagic, my heart goes out to you. There is so much in your post, so much I understand so deeply. So much awareness, honesty, grief. Such profound realization. That kind of awakening can feel life shattering. It seems when we illuminate those old paradigms, when we really identify how it is, how it has been, yet we still haven't discovered what will stand in its place after the fall of those prominent, sometimes ancestral walls, it encompasses a feeling of loss, grief and desolation like no other. After all, these are the jaggedy pieces we've built our lives on, even in their falsehood their familiarity has meant survival.

You put safeguards in place to protect you. That survival mechanism kicked in and did exactly what it was supposed to. It's how we learned to live, to make it through. I feel your pain, your grief and that which you might call self-pity looks more like compassion to me, for that which you are really understanding you have lost. 

And now it does seem there is a different way ahead, it is time. You are ready to remove those blocks, to know--"The beginning of walking a brighter path of self nurture."   

I don't want to write too much in your journal, but I have been journeying much with the idea of belonging--I relate so much to what you are going through. I want to share with you recently I have begun to remember the trees. I spent hours, days up in trees. It was my only safe place as a young child. I had a meditation last week where my guide walked me down the path to the forest. She gently placed my hands on two trees, made sure my feet were planted firmly on the earth and she asked me to remember the trees, to remember talking to them, the oaks and willows. She asked me to remember listening to them, to their replies, to their stories, their heart. I felt understood and safe there, up in those trees, looking down on what was my world. My guide looked at me and said "you belong" and I felt it. In that one place, I belonged. I deserved to be there. And in that I deserve to be here, to be walking on this earth. I've cried for a week.

San, you are a beautiful being who belongs. You deserve to be here and be loved, honored and respected. You are loved, honored and respected. You deserve to walk with grace, confidence and assuredness that you are a sovereign, worthy being who loves and is loved. I wish you well dear heart.

[Not Alone]

  Sending a tender hug.

[Deep Blue]

I whole heartedly love what MoonBeam said.  I'm also hoping that it speaks to you as much as it did to me