ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my dear 3roses.  i appreciate the info.  there's so much out there, and sometimes it's totally contradictory.  i have read about the d. earth, too.  i'll look into your other links.  and, yeah, you did good with the 'suck' thing.  hahaha!!!  they've been sucking our energy as well as our blood!

[Three Roses]

Yes, the contradictions make it so hard to know what to do. I use DE for my chickens, and dog, and we don't have fleas. I do have to scan the dog for ticks when he comes in, because we live in a rural place where there are lots of infested deer.

The thing I like about DE is that it's not a chemical and won't poison people or animals. However, it's best to cover your mouth and nose when applying it so it won't get in your lungs. My H has sensitive lungs but the DE doesn't bother him.

[Deep Blue]

Good info 3R! I just looked it up and boy are you right! There is tons of contradictory info out there 

I'm glad you were able to verbalize that the handyman was making you uncomfortable.  Sometimes it doesn't even have to be verbal... it's a feeling I get.  Once I swore this guy was trying to smell my hair! Ugh! Sends chills up my spine to even think about it.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, db.  yep, i know that 'icky' feeling.  no words necessary, but you just know something's not right.  i hate it.  we won't let him back here.

and, 3r, how does the d. e. work?  use it on the carpets?  smush it into the cat?  i don't know the exact procedure for how it's done.  thank you.

[Deep Blue]

Ha ha I imagined smooshing it into the cat!!!!!  A funny visual indeed.

I once watched an episode of My cat from heck that had a couple who "buttered their cat". Ha ha.  They did it to get private time

[Three Roses]

DE destroys the exoskeleton of insects, so it's not instant. You sprinkle it on the animal itself and in your home. Here's another link for more info: http://www.absorbentproductsltd.com/diatomaceous-earth-for-fleas.html

Some people even use diatomaceous earth in their vegetable gardens but since it will kill beneficial insects as well I don't use it on my flowers.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3r - this helps a lot.  i appreciate it, all the links.  you're swell!

[sanmagic7]

i saw a look of betrayal on buffy's face tonite, one that i've never seen, one that i never had, but should have, many, many times from too many directions.  i felt it, finally, in my heart tonite, and went to a very dark place.  more sobs, more exhaustion. 

i can't understand this type of betrayal, altho it came at me so very many times.  i never felt it till tonite, and the dam imploded.  i'll be on the porch a few days, nursing my broken heart, tattered soul.  i want a blanket of care and compassion, hot chocolate, and my rocker.  i'll have ems with me for nurturing and healing.  this may take awhile.

also had to stop reading 'to kill a mockingbird' before the jury came back.  altho the evidence is overwhelming, i know there's too much hate and fear now and then, and i can't stand it.

[Wattlebird]

Hey San,
Big hugs for u today   
I will probably be on the porch later, see u there 
WB

[Sceal]

Dear San, I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. There's not much I can say that will help. But I'm standing here with you, sending you love and strength!
I would love to share a cup of hot chocolate with you on the porch, if you don't mind the company. We can talk of little things, or nothing at all.

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweetie,
I know you are hurting right now.  I'll come take care of you on the porch my dear.  I will play you a song that's proven to help pick me back up.

Even though it was hard, I think you know how important it was to let those tears come.  I'm impressed that you recognized  that you needed to express the loss and grief that you saw on tv.
Take care and I'll come help take care of you too 

[sanmagic7]

wb, sceal, and db - i couldn't have had better company.  thank you so much.  i came here to read your responses several times, they were exactly what i needed, hugs, love, and the caring i could feel.  it was wonderful.

this whole thing about relationships, long past and more recent, has thrown me for a loop.  my d told me that now that i'm getting my feelings back, i'm simply experiencing what every woman experiences - welcome to the group!  i think, tho, that since i haven't felt or even been consciously aware of all this stuff, it's still been inside, heaped up, toxic and poisonous, wreaking havoc with me and my system.

so, now that i'm feeling safer (i believe that's what's going on, living here w/ my d, stress and tension all but eliminated between the 2 of us), and becoming not only more mindful, but also pushing myself to re-wire this tangled brain of mine re: emotions, feelings are now able to get thru what was once disconnected, and i am consciously recognizing emotional facial expressions (beyond my ken in the past) and being able to relate to the feelings behind them for the first time in all these years (thank you, alexithymia).

this last implosion about betrayal, and all the tears that would have normally gone along with all the pain/hurt involved in so many relationships throughout the years simply made all those parts known at the same time.  it's not a fun way to experience this, but in the long run i know it's a good thing.  i'm becoming more human.  still, it takes an awful lot out of me when it happens.

i'll stop for now, but there's more.  i learned about women and oxytocin, which i found extremely interesting, and explained a lot of what i went thru with the mr.

in the meantime, my dear, darling friends, you can't know how much your caring and compassion mean to me.  love and hugs back to you. 

[Elphanigh]

Sending you all the love and warmth I can dear.  Always with you

[Blueberry]

It seems life is throwing a number of boomerangs your way, san. So I'm sending good thoughts.

[Three Roses]

Warm wishes to you! Blessings of health, friends, and love heaped on you to over flowing.