ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Deep Blue]

That's awesome about her 3rd novel! I'd be a proud mama too 

Sometimes when things are happening physically it effects my mental health too.  It's harder to let that stuff roll off the shoulders if I'm sick for example.  Glad you got a good night's sleep 

[Three Roses]

So exciting! I'm glad to hear your mood has been lifted. Such a struggle we have! You're a fighter, through and through. 💪

[Blueberry]

i got accepted as an educator at the community college nearby.  will have to wait to see if enough people sign up for my series before it's an actual 'go', but i was glad to be accepted.  that was a good thing.  i do love to teach.

and congrats for your d too on getting her third novel published! I'd be proud too. I know it's not necessarily all that easy to get your work published.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Really glad to hear that you felt better after that night's sleep and I hope your day has been a bit better.    to you.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

el, db, 3r, hope, and blueberry - thank you all.  i've read your responses several times in the past few days.  you all are so grounding for me, so supportive, and so kind.  i'm so grateful to have you in my life - you can't even know what you mean to me.

the other day i looked in the mirror and i didn't recognize myself.  it was a horrible feeling.  i don't know if it's cuz of the stress we've been experiencing here with these pesky critters (hopefully, we're in the last 2 weeks of their life cycle), but it's a lot of physical work every day, and it's taking a toll on me.

even tho i did hair and makeup for my d's celebration day last fri., the face in the mirror looked old and unfamiliar.  it was rather distressing, upending.  usually i can smile and make my eyes sparkle, and that seems to remove the bags under my eyes, and that unnerving sense that my age is showing like never before, but not this time.  i don't like it.

plus it seems like both my hearing and eyesight is going away (can't afford docs right now, don't have a car to get to them, either), and i can't help thinking that my d is telling her friends that i'm going downhill.  she's ever so patient with me when i ask her to repeat something or i forget something, cheery and kind, but, dang!  i don't want to become this doddering old lady.

hopefully this will ease up once the critters are gone.  too much work, and it's not setting well with me.

so, wah wah wah, but i just wanted to complain, and this is a good place to get it out of me.

[Blueberry]

 

[Deep Blue]

San,
Age is in your spirit my friend.  You are not a doddering old lady!

I wish I had you near me so I could give you a real hug to ease your stress.  With you always sweetie 

[Sceal]

Big hug! I cannot understand what it is to look in the mirror and see my age, nor feel the body faltering due to age.
But I do recognise the feeling of not knowing who is looking back at you from the mirror. It is disconcerting. 

As for your hearing, have you considered that some of it might be due to earwax? Put some kitchen oil in your ear and cover it with a cotton bud when you go to sleep for 3-4 days to clear it up. If it doesn't help, at least you'll have clean ears 

[sanmagic7]

bb, db, and sceal, thank you all for the hugs.  i love them, appreciate them and all of you.

those big emoji hugs feel like i'm being gathered in, wrapped up in a caring embrace, bb. 

actually, db, i've firmly believed my spirit is 27, have for a long time.  it's just the age stuff showing up on my face.  i've always looked 15-20 yrs. younger than i am, but that gap is closing in the mirror.  it's weird, disheartening.  i know it's from stress.  soon, soon we should have less of it in the house when those critters are gone.

thanks for the tip, sceal.  i've actually had that problem with my right ear - the tube is bent inside - and have had to get it flushed, so i know what that type of hearing loss feels like.  but, i'll try your suggestion, so thanks.

and, yeah, it is disconcerting not to recognize the face in the mirror.  i look much more worn down than i ever have. 

so, one more big push today to kill these critters.  we had so many plans for cooking for the holiday, and now we're just feeling drained.  i'll push thru, i always do, but that sense of anticipation for baking and stuff is becoming more difficult to sustain.  aaaaah , . .

[Deep Blue]

27 sounds about right to me 

I look young too! I just got carded buying adult beverages this weekend.  I'm 36 ha ha 

[Elphanigh]

Sending even more

I am hopeful all this stress will get to dissipate soon, I can imagine it is really wearing on you physically. Your soul does seem about 27 to me, honestly I have always believed myself to be a bit of an old soul, like hundreds of years but stuck in a 24 year old body at this point. Odd as it seems, I have always looked younger than my age but always felt much older.

[sanmagic7]

i think that's worth a chuckle, db.  love it!

thanks for that embrace, el.  just the opposite here, i've never felt old.  too much of a free spirit for that.  a wood nymph kind of thing.  or the autistic edge i sit on.  that could be it as well.  i like nymph better, tho.

we were only able to get 1/2 our house done today - both of us were exhausted.  so, we'll tackle the rest tomorrow.  no new bites on my d for 2 days now.  3 has been the magic number since this started.   

so, hopefully we're on the home stretch.

[Elphanigh]

I love the nymph is suits you well. I think my old soul bit comes from people always telling me I was wiser than my years and allowing me to be around people so much older than me my whole life. I love the idea of being a free woodland nymph but never felt that to be my own soul. I always envisioned some sort of water spirit that was years old, had seen the world, and offered answers wherever it traveled. Free in its motion and movement but old in knowledge and years if that makes sense.

Sending lots of luck for the other half of the house. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the nymph support, el.

actually, we didn't get to the rest of the house.  our little vacuum cleaner is pooped, we didn't want to risk it.  some other day we'll have more energy, can clean it thoroughly, and we'll tackle the rest.

i realized today that i'm getting a do-over.  i'm getting to be the mom to my d that she never got to have before.  it's amazing, and i'm loving it.  i'm spoiling her, she's got all my attention without her sister's stuff interfering, i'm cooking for her, doing stuff just cuz she likes it, and i'm enjoying her like i was never able to do before.  thank you, god.

and, as i was thinking about this today, in a big way i'm thankful that i discovered this whole c-ptsd shebang.  it explained so much, which cleared up my lifetime of confusion, and led me here to this place of care, comfort, support and healing, the likes of which i've never known before.

it also got me involved with the most wonderful bunch of people i've never met.  i could not have made it this far without you.  so, yeah, i'm thankful for c-ptsd.  love and hugs to you all.

[Deep Blue]

San,
I just want you to know that I adore you.  I think it's so important that you and your daughter get to spend time and make good memories together.  New memories that are not clouded by narcissists, no matter what their form.

Have a wonderful thanksgiving friend.