ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

it seems this is the first time i can remember feeling hope that i'm over the hump of recovery, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  don't know if it will last, but i feel more positive about the future than maybe since i ever began any kind of recovery.

i started on such a journey in my 30's, so we're talking about 35 yrs. of working at this.  unfortunately, because of that first t i had, i began in a setback mode.   she did so much damage to me, not only with my own therapy, but as a couple and a mother that it seems like i was pushed back years and years by confusion, pain, hurt, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, and plain old cruelty (i can see that now as i look back).

so, every year i faced seemed more difficult than the last.  i remember thinking 'does it ever get any better?'  i would hear others be so excited about the progress they'd made, including with this t, and i couldn't fathom it, didn't know how that was happening for them cuz my experience was so much the opposite.  i felt worse every time i faced a new year, hoping it was going to get better, but being thrown back against a wall, slammed against it time and time again.

since this was my first stint with therapy, i didn't know it wasn't supposed to hurt, thought it was a 'no pain, no gain' sort of situation, and accepted everything she told me as truth - whether it was about myself, my partner, my parenting, my kids - everything.

the greatest thing she taught me was how not to be a therapist.  but it's taken me years and years to get thru the damage she did to me.  on top of that, i was married to a misogynistic npd, and had a torturous mentally ill daughter, also npd (in my eyes).  being triple-teamed was like trying to get out of quicksand by grabbing onto slime.  i only sank farther and my world got darker because i was being covered in yuck the entire time i struggled.

today, my world finally feels manageable.  it's such a strange feeling.  i see the sun thru these gorgeous trees in the morning and watch as it makes its way across the sky to sink gloriously beneath the sea in the evening.  i have virtually no friends anymore because i've gotten rid of most of them - i can see them as toxic now - and i, who was once surrounded by people and feared not having friends, feared horribly the idea of being alone, am content.

i'm done with the mr., and altho i'm still grieving that, running thoughts thru my head, i am also content with not having a man physically in my life (my hub still loves me, which is nice, but since i can't really depend on him for anything and don't ever plan to return, it's a marriage on paper only, a relationship for 20 min. on the phone every week, and 'i love you' emails, which are sweet), but i usually have had at least one man physically around since high school.    this is very different.   and it's ok. 

i'm healthier than i have been in at least 20 years, and that feels great. 

the people in my life from this forum are better friends to me in most ways than the people i had surrounded myself with irl.  that may sound sad, but i am extremely pleased about it - i've gotten more caring, nurturing, and affection on a consistent basis from this virtual forum than i have ever had in real support groups.  i'm content and satisfied with this, too.

and my d and i, well, that's better than i ever expected.  nearly every day she exclaims how much she loves it where we live, and my heart soars.  i'm so glad i was able to help her realize this dream of hers, and can continue to help her with her work.  my life has meaning thru her, and i am overjoyed.

so, i'm beginning a new chapter in my life, one that looks hopeful and positive, which i haven't been able to say for way too long.  i look forward to the future for the first time in ages as something not to dread, not to wonder 'what else is going to happen?' in a neg. way, and not to fear. (well, to be honest, i haven't had that much fear in my life anyway, but since i got in touch with that emotion, it's been overwhelming at times). 

and i like me, am satisfied (at last) with me - not that things won't pop up from time to time to deal with, make adjustments and all that - and have faith in me.  i'm leaving these newfound fears behind, leaving so much of what i've gone thru behind - it's like i've come to the point where so much of those parts aren't relevant anymore.  like i said, it's a strange feeling to at last stand up straight and look forward with positive anticipation.

i'm glad i'm here. 

[Elphanigh]

Hi my dear, it is beautiful to see so much positivity here. I am so excited to watch this new chapter unfold  Always much love ❤️

[Three Roses]

i'm glad i'm here.

Me, too! 

[Deep Blue]

So happy for you San,
My heart soars when I hear about good things in your life too 

[sanmagic7]

el, your love is always so warming.  thank you.

3roses, thanks - you always bring a smile to my heart.

deepblue, 2 soaring hearts to explore the heavens.  how wonderful is that!

i thought of some of the struggles i still contend with as i'm looking forward.  unfortunately, i don't have enough money to eat the way i'd really want to, so i often eat what's available to me thru the food pantry we have access to once a month.  plus, i still do a fair amount of stress eating. 

some of that is, i think, still linked to my alexithymia.  being distressed, uneasy, out of sorts, but not able to pinpoint what it is i'm feeling sends me to making a meal out of snack food.  plus, i believe i still may have some inner child work to look into, but haven't gotten to that yet.  therefore, eating takes the place of comfort too many times.

then there's the alexithymia itself, plus the borderline autism.  not being able to realize, recognize, nor verbalize how i'm feeling can be extremely frustrating.  plus, the idea that my mind can't always stay caught up with a conversation, and i find myself having to revisit some concept or idea over and over till i can get clear with it.

luckily, my d now understands this and is very patient with me.  she knows i've been doing this kind of thing for many, may years, but most of that time she didn't know why, when i was still in mexico and we'd talk on the phone, i'd usually send her an email the next day rehashing our conversation.  she knows now why i did that. 

i don't know how much of this might be fixed, if it's something that will right itself a bit more over time with so much less stress in my life.  maybe, maybe not.  only time will tell.

physically, i'm so much better than i was, but i'm still not well.  again, don't know how much of that might or can change over time with less stress.  physical ongoing problems are too many to list, and i'm always in pain, but i'm now walking nearly every day and have restarted my weights, which feels good.  not at the level i was 30 yrs. ago, but it's something.

crying can still be a problem at times, but it's better than it was.  routine seems important to me at the moment, altho living with someone who wants my attention at times can be interruptive.  still, i feel needed because of it, am helping her out with her work, and i can usually find time, like now, to do what feels best for me.

so, there are still struggles.  being overly sensitive still raises its head when i don't want it to be there.  understanding myself has helped a lot with all this, too, so that's progress.  letting go of unhealthy relationships has been hard at times, has left me pretty alone, but i still get along with people and our neighbors are great, so it doesn't bother me too much.

the struggles, i'm guessing, will always be with me.  the c-ptsd symptoms seem more manageable at this time.  i'm feeling quite calm most of the time.  i think i've made some progress.  that finally feels real, and gives me hope, something i haven't really felt in a long time.  whoa - weird.

[sanmagic7]

random thoughts:

if i'm not yet thriving, i do believe i'm more than simply surviving right now.  so much of the confusion has cleared up, and that's helped a lot.  this last bout with the mr. left me very confused, and i've realized how much of my life i've spent in that state of mind.  wow - way too much.

today we are moving furniture around, had found a lovely couch we like for our living room - $15 at goodwill.  our neighbor is going to haul it home for us.  we're putting the old couch and matching loveseat in our great room facing the windows that look out over the forest which is our backyard.  things are slowly coming together. 

i'm finishing the edits on my d's latest book, and then i'll begin putting my own workshop together (hopefully, for jan.).  it's one i've created about food and eating, and before i really knew about inner child stuff, i'd already included a component about that very concept in one of the classes.  now, i'll be able to expand on it from a different direction.  this is exciting to me.

the idea of working in my field again is something i'd given up on.  to be in front of a group again, well, hopefully it actually comes to that, but even the thought that i can actually do it again, that i have the strength and wellness enough to lecture and lead for 2 hrs. is nearly beyond belief.

less than 2 yrs. ago i was dying.  a year ago, i had my cancer surgery.  since then, things have fallen into place exactly as i've needed them to.  i couldn't have done it without the many angels who have helped and supported me thru everything in the past 3 1/2 yrs.  lots of those angels reside on this forum. 

next jan. will be 4 yrs. since i went nc with my older d, 3 yrs. since i began an 8 mo. ef.  thinking back to those 2 occasions really puts what i'm feeling now into perspective.  it was a close thing several times.  i never once believed i would be where i am now.   i've been connected to this forum nearly all that time.  i wouldn't have made it otherwise - i'm quite sure of that.

it's interesting now to be a bit introspective about these past several years.  i think the greatest thing i'm experiencing now is a lack of confusion.  that has been like a dense spiderweb covering my eyes, suffocating my mind, stunting my comprehension of what was going on around and within me for most all my life.  7 decades is a long time to wander in confusion.

the cobwebs have cleared, tho, or at least that's how it feels.  what an amazing feeling.  i want to wallow in this for a bit while i enjoy being productive again.  this is a miracle.  look what you people have done for me!  i'm smiling now.

[sanmagic7]

just wanted to get this out before i go to sleep.

dang, it seems like just when i think everything is smooth sailing, something comes up and bites me in the butt.  my d and i got caught up in some stuff from the madness of our family - me having to make all the decisions, be the problem-solver, taking charge and her listening to her sister constantly telling her what she 'needs' to do.

unfortunately, i used that trigger word, you 'need' to do so and so, and she found herself becoming angry.  we talked it out, found out where it was coming for both of us, but it was disturbing to me, so i'm still awake, feeling ill at ease.   i hate it that i sent her into an ef, and feel really bad about it.

i know, at least we talked it out, got to the root of it, but i still feel guilty.  and ashamed.  this is not the first time it's been pointed out to me about me using the phrase 'you need to do ...' (actually, that was a trigger for the mr., too, and he brought it to my attention that i said that).  sometimes these habits and ways of believing are so difficult to break. 

this is a case where i feel i just wasn't careful enough with my language, which caused my d distress.  i did apologize, but feel it's somehow inadequate.  it's cuz we've discovered that this house came with fleas, and both she and her cat are suffering because of it.  she's in the process of rectifying the situation, but she feels bad for both her cat and herself - she's getting bitten, too, and they're both uncomfortable.

so,  she's rather crabby, i went into 'fix-it' mode, and all in all, it just wasn't pleasant for a bit.  altho we're both ok now, these seemingly 'little' things still have the capacity to rattle me.  still can't be the perfect mom/roommate.  ugh.  ok, deep breath.  glad i wrote this - i almost didn't out of embarrassment.  i've been going on about how wonderful things are with me, and something like this makes it un-wonderful in a flash.

i hate this crapola.

[Deep Blue]

Glad you wrote it and proud of you too!  Your ability to notice and then try to change things is incredible.  I wish that people in my own life could take a step back and admit when they did something wrong.

I guess I'm an oddball teacher, cuz when a student stumps me with a question, I tell them I don't know, but I'll look it up and get back to them.  I don't mind being stumped.  It's just an opportunity for me to grow too.  Your ability to work on issues is a form of you growing too San!  Admitting you made a mistake is a big step that many others wouldn't take. 

I'm excited about you helping your d with her book and you getting to practice again.  Sending you love and strength friend 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie, for the support and kind words.  they really mean a lot.

when i was working with the adolescent girls, i would tell them the same thing you tell your kids.  i know they appreciated that from an adult - too many times adults in their lives would gloss things over, or conveniently 'forget' about the issue.   i know you're one of the best teachers out there, deep blue.

i'm still rattled this morning.  i can hear her walking around in the other room, so i'm gonna go see how she is.  dang, i feel horrible that this is happening to her, horrible about my part in it that didn't help at all but made her feel worse.  i know this will eventually settle, but i hate feeling like this till it does.  i want to cry.

[Deep Blue]

What's your d's love language? Mine is acts of service.  They mean the most to me. 

Maybe you can use your d's love language to ease your stress and make amends??? Just a thought.

Oh and maybe you need to cry a bit? Maybe that "crapola" as you say it, is in there and needs to be let out.     big big hug and a deep breath friend

[Three Roses]

You don't have to be perfect. 

[Elphanigh]

 

I think you are doing all you can in talking those things out. You and your d are human, it is bound to happen from time to time. Not your job to be the perfect mom/roommate. Just your job to do the best you can and be there for her, which I see you doing every day. So kudos to you dear 

[sanmagic7]

so very tired - it's been a wearing week.

deep blue, 'love language' is an interesting concept.  my d's, toward me at least, is patience.  i've commented for years on her patience with me, and she's always been confused by that cuz she doesn't see her behavior toward me that way.  still, it's very different from what i've experienced from others.  definitely a language of love in its truest sense.

thanks for the reminder, 3r.  it always helps to hear that.  (and, back atcha, by the by).   luckily, my d knows that, too.  like she said when we talked this out, 'we're still learning.'  she's very good at accepting me and also questioning me when i'm inconsistent.

thank you dear el for validating my right to be human.  dang, that's a tough one for me.  it's been made harder, actually, because many people have told me i'm an angel walking the earth.  really.  even as lately as the mr., who told me he'd considered that possibility.  that's been a weird tightrope to walk.  then there are the thoughts that i may be an alien (my hub has actually asked me that several times throughout our marriage) and/or a witch cuz of my sensitivities and being able to sense/feel things.   again, as lately as the mr., and he hasn't even known me that long.

anyway, lots of otherworldly beings have been thrust upon me.  so, it's a continual struggle to just be me, cuz i'm not always sure what role i'm in.  be that as it may, she and i worked it out easily the next day (we're still learning, mom) and we do seem to be getting closer daily.  but, dang, when i feel like i've fallen off the rails even a little, it knocks me sideways.

ok, i didn't want to do this cuz i'm exhausted, and this is exhausting, but made a big admission out loud last nite to my d.  all about me and men, how i've gravitated to them all the time during the course of my life.  always thought of myself as a strong, independent woman, but i have kept men in my life as resources to fall back on, to rely on, and actually, to take care of me.

i've known, without knowing how i've known, that i need someone to take care of me because i don't have the capability of doing everything that needs to be done on my own.  i know that sounds contradictory, cuz i've done so much in my life, including moving to a foreign country by myself without a plan and only $6000, my car, computer, and clothes. 

i knew, for example, that i needed a partner to help me raise a child - ok, now that i'm thinking of this a little more clearly, i may be wrong about this self-assessment.  maybe it's not that i couldn't, but i've always taken advantage of the help and support of others, and just have had a lot of faith that whatever comes down the pike i'd be able to deal with it.  i've had a lot of overworked angels in my life, lots of divine intervention to pave the way for making sure i stayed sane and alive.

i didn't live totally by myself till i was in my 50's - from my folks' house to living with roomies, to marriage, to, and here comes the flaw in my argument, living with my mom till i could get an apt. for my baby and i.  still didn't exactly have my own space cuz i shared it with her, but, with help, i managed to get an apt. and take care of her for nearly a year on my own.

maybe, i've looked to others for help at all stages of my life, be they women or men, and accepted that help as a way to make my life easier.  no harm in that - no one was abused by my doing so.  when i finally moved back here, it was with the express belief that i would eventually need to live with my d cuz of my failing health and ability to think clearly, not get overwhelmed with 'stuff'.  i'd need for her to take care of me.

which she does, in many ways, but i can see, also, that i contribute to her life in a pos. way.  maybe i'm just someone who will take advantage (not in a bad way) of help or companionship that i know i need somewhere intrinsic to my being.  the male thing, well, i've liked boys forever, and it's always been connected to touch, even from a very young age. 

in first grade, i think, i had a bunch of girls who would get a boy of my choosing on the playground, surround him and hold him down so i could kiss him.  so, this was about at age 6, way before puberty and hormones.  (a teacher caught me in the hall one day, told me she'd heard about me kissing boys, and told me i should stop that cuz it can pass germs around.) 

it may be a touch thing.  i do believe i'm touch deprived - no hugs growing up, no familiar, casual touch, like a pat or an arm around my shoulder kind of thing.  i know a lot of my sexual exploits as an adult were so that i could feel touch.  when i was drunk with friends, i'd always, at some point, throw an arm around their shoulders.  it made me feel good.

i think the touch thing is a piece of me that lets me know i'm real, that i exist in the other person's world.  or constant communication will do something similar.  it was an ongoing cause of anxiety with the mr. if i didn't talk to him every day - i'd immediately wonder what my standing in his life was.  very anxiety-producing, very unsettling.  i'll even experience that here, altho there is no rational reason to do so.  you all have been so very good at letting me know what i mean to you.

i wonder if it's a manifestation of being at the very upper limit of the autism spectrum.  i'm quite sure that's where the alexithymia comes from, and that, alone, has caused me to not just feel different, but be different than most people.  all of this stuff together can be really difficult to navigate.  there are so many factors to consider.

as the mr. once said when i told him all this - your life has been tainted from before you were born.  you have nothing that you have enjoyed without something diminishing it to some degree (or words to that extent).  he had asked me if i've ever had happy times, which i have, but i always still had that floaty sense about me, just floating thru life, being confused most of the time.

anyway, writing all this, i'm tired all over again.  i'm glad i'm living with my d, but i honestly don't know what i would do if she died.  won't even go into that now.  still, it's back there, niggling at my mind.  can't afford to stay here, nothing saved to move.  best not to think about it consciously as much as possible.

with that happy note, i'll leave for now.  all the time, more things keep coming up to be analyzed before they can be put to rest.  i'm really tired of it.  wish i could be superficial for the remainder of my life at times.  this just gets so wearing.

[Hope67]

then there are the thoughts that i may be an alien (my hub has actually asked me that several times throughout our marriage) and/or a witch cuz of my sensitivities and being able to sense/feel things.   again, as lately as the mr., and he hasn't even known me that long.

Hi SanMagic - firstly I wanted to send you a loving hug  - I found what you wrote here particularly interesting because my sister (whom I am currently estranged from believes that she is an 'alien' and also a 'witch' - and I can completely understand why she might think those things, and why other people might think those things about her - although I like to think there could be aliens, and witches around, I don't believe there are currently - at least in the form of humans - and yet I do relate to how we could be mistaken for people with great sensitivities - I said to my sister that I used to want to be a witch when I was a small child - because of watching those TV programmes about 'Cool Witches' etc and you know - she didn't want me to have any of the special powers she has - she wanted those to be for herself.  This told me how much she needed those things to feel special.

I realise these things aren't how you are expressing this - but I just wanted to remark on this - by sharing what was said between me and my sister - and I felt in my head that I can see how much you would be regarded as being special and almost un-earthly - as your kindness comes across, and maybe people aren't used to that.  They therefore imbue you with special powers and qualities.

You spoke of wanting to be yourself - and I think you're a lovely 'earthly presence' - that is what comes across to me - I'm glad you're on this earth and that you have touched the lives of the people you interact with.

I apologise if I'm over-reaching here - and saying too much, but the thing is that you said a lot here that I related to - even to the extent of my own partner joking with me the other night that maybe I was a 'robot' - or some kind of artificial intelligence kind of synth - I do wonder what people think when they project things onto other people in that way.  Does it say something about the person saying it, or the person it is said about?  I suspect there are elements of both.

Sending you a hug, and hoping that you are able to get the rest you need.   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweetie,
I just wanted you to know that I read every word of what you wrote.

Can I just say... that we... as humans, seek companionship?  I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about.  Seeking the companionship of others is natural.  Also... I may add here... that companionship doesn't necessarily mean having someone take care of you either.  Do you think 6 year old you wanted future husbands on the playground for financial security

As far as being an alien or witch... I also have a comment on that ha ha!  I have had people say that I'm oddly perceptive for most of my life.  I've even had people say I'm a sensitive empath.  So I looked it up.  Results: I am not a sensitive empath.  BUT!!! I am considered a highly sensitive individual.  My senses are dialed up in a sense.  Upon reading around on the forum I found that this is a defense mechanism that many of us in this forum have developed unknowingly.  We developed a sensitivity to our surroundings and then emotions of others so that we could have a tiny heads up if abuse was coming. 

Hopefully I didn't ramble too long on your journal.    love you dearest