ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Wattlebird]

Glad you had a nice Christmas with your d hope the new year is good to you, thanks for all the love and support you have given me this year, it means a lot to me, at first I was suspicious of everyone being so nice to me here, I'm glad I'm not anymore, thanks San 

[sanmagic7]

hey, wb,

i'm just glad that you have been able to accept the caring and support offered you.   i know it takes consistency over time to be able to trust.  i have found that here as well.  i hope your new year is full of hope, peace and light.  you deserve it.

i had a therapeutic breakthru the other day (have just been too worn out to write about it).  yeah, it was 'buffy' related, but i'll take my therapy where i can get it. 

i watched an episode where someone was able to hang on during a very rough time because he'd heard the words 'i believe in you.'  my first reaction was one of sadness for myself cuz i didn't remember having heard those words myself.  they made such a difference to him while he was going thru terrible trials and torture.  gave him the strength to resist manipulations and the courage to do what's right, rather than what was easy in order for the pain to stop.

much of those scenes that have love, caring, kindness, and tenderness immediately send me back to the place of 'i've never had that', and i feel terribly sorry for myself.  plus, since i didn't know about or could express such things for me, i'd never thought about saying it to or feeling it for myself.  crapola, i wasn't aware of any 'self' in the first place.  i just kept going, did what i wanted, and accomplished all kinds of things.

i was feeling pretty down about this, not having heard anyone tell me they believed in me.  then, as is my wont lately, i watched the episode again.  i've read a bit about this series, and there is a lot that is metaphorical contained within.  so, the second time i heard him say 'she believes in me', it struck me, hard and emphatically - this is a metaphor for me. 

in other words, 'she' could become 'i', and that's suddenly what i knew i had been missing.   maybe i didn't have a 'she' in my life, but i've always had me.  and i saw the light, and it was plain as day - i'm the one, in the end, who has to believe in me.  i'm the one who has to be proud of me.  i'm the one who has to have faith in me.

the clouds cleared away, and i felt a sense of strength and sureness the likes of which i've never felt before, ever.  all my life i've been seeking approval from others, beginning with my dad, trying to prove that i'm worth being loved, doing for others to show my importance in this life and gain acceptance.  i couldn't do enough, couldn't be enough, never believed i was enough. 

all my relationships till now bore this out.  no clear boundaries, tolerating the intolerable, patience when i needed to have spoken up and declared something was wrong.  never enough, i never felt i was succeeding in this goal.  since i was a very young girl. 

and now, cuz of a tv show about battling against evil, it all came clear.  'she' had to be me.  i was the one who i've needed to hear this from, that i believe in myself.  it felt strong, yet peaceful.  unlike anything before. 

the tears came, of course, but they felt cleansing.  washing away a lot of slime and much that had clung to me for so long.  i missed a lot of things from my relationships - so many loving things thru 3 marriages, countless friendships, even my eldest d, and a string of therapists.  they are now firmly in the past, where they belong. 

i don't know if this will last, but it's here, now, and i'll take that.  even a few days of feeling like this is better than all the years of not.  i need to be my own best friend, my own best relationship.  i'm giving it a shot, at least as much as i am able.  it's a quiet kind of feeling, tho - not exciting, not jumping up and down or celebrating kind of feeling.  just inward, true, real.  strong. 

[Three Roses]

i don't know if this will last, but it's here, now, and i'll take that.  even a few days of feeling like this is better than all the years of not.  i need to be my own best friend, my own best relationship.  i'm giving it a shot, at least as much as i am able.  it's a quiet kind of feeling, tho - not exciting, not jumping up and down or celebrating kind of feeling.  just inward, true, real.  strong.

Love it! ❤️💪

[Wattlebird]

 

[Sceal]

Sounds beautiful. I think we all could need this realisation deep inside.
If it stops lasting, maybe you can re-watch that episode of Buffy as a reminder?

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3r - and i love you for saying that.  can't tell what that middle thing is, tho, between the heart and the applause.  i don't even know if it's called an emoji - i'm quite illiterate when it comes to these things.  sorry.  i'm sure it's something lovely, tho.

wb, you brought a big smile out - couldn't help it.  thank you for such great support.

sceal, truthfully, i do, too.  i hope everyone can find it someday.  there's so much we didn't get from others, stuff that we've needed, and i believe now that most of it we can give to ourselves, most of it we need from ourselves.  we'll never get the past back, but we can be our own best friends from here on in - with all that being a best friend entails.

actually, i watched that episode 3-4 times.  it's vivid in my mind right now, but i definitely would watch it again if i need a 'pick-me-up'.  great idea.  thanks.

feeling better today.  my ear is still kind of wonky, and i'm doing h2o2 once a day to keep it from getting infected - that's my greatest fear.  we're still battling critters, so that's been wearing both of us out as well.  hopefully, we're on the back end of that.  my d is the thermometer - if she can go a week w/o getting bit (they stay away from me), we'll cut back vacuuming to every 3 days instead of every day.

still, my shoulders are very sore from the physicality of it.  and my forearms are beginning to look like popeye's from the dang spraying.  my belly seems to have bloated up, too, from the stress of it all.  and we had to drop $ 200 at the vet the other day for more meds for the cat.  ugh!  this has been a nightmare.

so looking forward to a flea-free new year.

[Deep Blue]

Fleas fleas go away! I banish you from the house! 👉

I'm laughing at your Popeye arms though.  I have 1 popeye arm from sports too 

[sanmagic7]

love your banishment spell, db.  made me laugh.  we're on day 6 of no new bites, so we'll see what happens tomorrow.  it would be great to ease up on this a little.  my d has been exhausted, couldn't understand why, so i reminded her that this has been so stressful!!! 

popeye arms, indeed!  sisters of the traveling forearms - lol!

[Three Roses]

can't tell what that middle thing is, tho, between the heart and the applause.

It's an arm, flexing 

[sanmagic7]

ohhhhh!   sorry, couldn't tell, but i get it.  as soon as i saw what you wrote, a big smile came to my face as well as a chuckle.  that's perfect.  thank you, my dear.  i really do feel strong in a way i hadn't before.  it's good.

[Deep Blue]

Ha ha! I laughed out loud! Sisters of the traveling forearms

I love that you pointed out the stress to your daughter.  When we are in the thick of it it's hard to see it.  Good job with that! I wonder how that was for her?  Shoe on other foot? You pointing out emotions to her? 

[sanmagic7]

actually, db, she's used to it.  i've been pointing out her stress levels for many, many years.  she was an overacheiver for way too long, thought that down time meant she was being lazy or something.  i'd try to explain that down time was healing time, that her system needed to heal, but she wouldn't buy it.  she would crash out and get sick instead.

finally, she's come around, sees it differently now.  and, i'm so glad of that.  i know what that's like - until i crashed and burned, which is why i moved to mexico.  i was dying.  i'm glad she's realizing this stuff differently now, will hear my words as concern instead of some new-age philosophy or what not.  it does my heart good.  still, as you say, sometimes it's still difficult to recognize it when we're in the middle of it.

tired today - this stuff catches up to me, especially the physical stuff like vacuuming.  (why is that word spelled that way?  sometimes the english language drives me nuts, and it's my native tongue).   just can't do what i used to.  today is a laid-back day, i think.  it's raining - sounds so pretty - so i don't know if we'll even walk, unless it stops later.

just babbling.  i'm so glad to be here, so glad for all of  you.  still feeling good and strong.  not feeling sorry for myself - not at the moment, and i didn't think that would ever go away.  just goes to show, we don't really know what's around the next corner.  today is a good day.  love you all.

[Blueberry]

... vacuuming.  (why is that word spelled that way?  sometimes the english language drives me nuts, and it's my native tongue).   

I don't suppose the answer to this is top on your list of priorities or anything but anyway: English spelling is very much based on etymology / history of words rather than how the words sound. "vacuum" is the Latin word for empty when referring to neuter words. The stem is "vacu", the ending "-um" for neuter. In some languages like my semi-native one, u is actually pronounced 2 times. In English we're rather lazy about pronunciation so we just pronounce 1 time and scratch our heads about the spelling    Though American English has simplified some spelling! 

I'm glad you're feeling good and strong, and that you took the day as a laid-back one. 

[Deep Blue]

Ha ha! I love that Blueberry!

There is this movie in the States called My Big Fat Greek Wedding. In it, the dad is always saying that the origin of every word is Greek.  It's a really good movie.  Thanks for making me smile 

[Sceal]

Or you could also just call it hoovering. There atleast you pronouce both oo's and it's pretty straightforward spelling!