ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
So sorry to hear you're still under the weather, and I hope that your doctor will get in touch asap. 

to you, SanMagic.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[Wattlebird]

Im sorry u are still under the weather
Hope u get better soon

I've been missing you 

[Blueberry]

  to you san. Hope your doc calls and you get better soon.

[sanmagic7]

hope, 3r, wb, and blueberry, thank you all so much.

went back to the doc yesterday.  she believes i am so very run down that i have nothing to fight off illness with, or at least very little.  she addressed the fibromyalgia, said that any chronic pain condition is continually putting my system in distress, is, basically stressing me out 24/7, which is compromising my immune system.  she's the first one to speak directly to the fibromyagia.

she said she can't believe someone would give me such a diagnosis and not offer some sort of relief.  she also is concerned about my horrendous non-sleep patterns.  so, i've been given zymbalta for anxiety, depression,and pain, and xanax to use nightly as a sleep aid.  we'll see how that goes. 

by the by, this was a nurse practitioner rather than an m.d.  i've had experience with one of these before and it was fantastic.  she mentioned that n.p.'s are more holistic in scope than regular doctors.  from past experience, and even with her, i totally agree.  i now have hope that something pos. will come out of this.

thank you all for your well wishes.  you're the best.  still feeling crappy, but maybe it will turn around soon.  here's hoping.

[Three Roses]

Joining you in hoping you're in the home stretch!

I watched a really cool movie yesterday about energy work or energy healing. It was called "The Healing Field", from 2016 and directed by Penny Price. Several methods were discussed. I was really interested in Qigong, and sound therapy.

Although we watched it on Prime, it looks like the full documentary is also on YouTube -
https://youtu.be/PeGq55AjLoQ

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3r.  i'll probably look that up, altho i've tried tai chi and qugong and they don't work at all with my own energy.  very distressing and disruptive to me.  i know, tho, that they're very helpful to a lot of people.  i appreciate you thinking of me.  i've never heard of sound work, so i'll take a look.  you're a sweetheart, you know that?  trust the magic.

[Three Roses]

trust the magic

[Andyman73]

Hi San. I've missed you terribly. 

[Elphanigh]

Sending you lots of love and healing energy 

Np's are generally really amazing and I am so glad she seems to be addressing root problems rather than just the affects. Hopefully that will help you finally get to feeling better.

[Sceal]

Feel better soon! 

[Hope67]

  to you SanMagic, hope you're ok. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you people are the best! 

3r, that reminder is so very close to my heart, as you well know.

andy, brother of my heart, you are sir hugs-a-lot, the warmest knight of the round table by far.

el, you're absolutely correct.  np's go where md's fear to tread because they're healers.  they don't want people to continue to suffer, which means they work to put themselves out of business.  just like the best t's, am i right?   

sceal, thank you for being there for me.

hope, i love that gathering-in hug.  makes me feel safe and nurtured.

today i am feeling better, finally.  i don't know if the med for the fibromyalgia is doing anything extra, but the xanax for sleeping is helping.  dang, it feels so good to sleep, even if it's not for a full nite yet.  i'm hoping to achieve that eventually, but i'm lucky in that i can nap during the day, make up for the hours i don't get at nite. 

i think what helped the most at the doc's was that she listened, heard me, and, as el said, went for what might be at the root of it all.  i told her that when i get sick like this,, i get scared that this time i won't be able to pull myself out of it, and she reassured me that i would.  it sounded a bit hollow at the time, but the attention she paid to me  reassured me that she was going to look outside the box to try to fix what was underneath.

just that much attention, not being dismissed, being taken seriously is what really made the difference.  i'm to see her in 3 weeks.  right now, i feel much more like my regular self, except that i still don't have a lot of energy or stamina.  that may be backlash from being sick, that i'm still recovering.

what i noticed while i've been away is that i felt like i had less hmmm, i don't know what the word is.  i've had a hard time reading what people are writing about (i'm feeling ashamed to even say this) cuz there is so much pain that people are going thru.  it's like i can't take it.

my life has also changed a lot from a year ago.  since i started here, i've had pretty much the entire day to myself.  in mex., my hub was working 12 hrs/day, and since i've been in the states, living at that other house, it was also just me.  now, living with my d, everything is different.  she has a lot of anxiety issues, and needs to talk and touch base with me a lot, so much of the time i had to myself is gone now.

it also means that my energy is being used on her.  my focus is her right now.  i don't know how much i can participate here for the while.  it would be too much, at least for now.  when i'm able, i'll check in, but i noticed since i moved in with her that i've really only had energy for a few journals.  i hate to be saying this.  i want to delete all this.  i feel guilty about not being the same as i was re: this forum.  you've all done so much for me.

my heart is pounding right now.  it's difficult for me to give this up, even a little.  the break from here was good for me, but it also made me realize a few things.  dang, i hate this.  but i love all of you.  i'll be around, i just don't know when or how much.  i'm in the process of editing my d's next book, too, so that takes a lot of energy.  i guess i just don't have as much as i want to be able to do everything i want to do.   my abilities feel like they are dwindling, and that's kind of scary.  my age is showing.      

[Wattlebird]

Ow San
Don't be down on yourself for needing time and space, you can't help others if you don't look after yourself, I'm glad you're feeling better today, 
I miss you here but totally understand and want you to feel 100% 
   

[Three Roses]

I've been feeling the same overwhelm, San. But our focus needs to be on us and our own recovery. I find myself not reading too many very lengthy posts, I just can't. It's not that I don't want to - I just can't. My reading comprehension flies out the window, I dissociate, get sleepy -  it's best if I focus on my own healing first. It's OK to put ourselves first, contrary to what we've been taught.

Maybe later when I get thru this and get more healing I'll be able to focus more on others. For now I'll do what I can, when I can, but I am putting myself first and I believe each one of us should do the same. Not to be self centered, but like putting our own oxygen mask on first, so we will be able to help others.

Much love and admiration to you, my sister.