ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

it really does, sceal.  honestly, it makes all the difference when i can get out and be actually in the midst of it.  well, you know that for yourself, right?  it's the best!

still tired, still worn out.  my d is finally feeling better, which is good, but i crashed again and am just working on recovering from the stress of it.  it would be nice to feel good for more than a few days at a time, tho.  unfortunately, when i do have a couple of days, i do all the things that have been waiting for me, and sometimes that's too much again.  dagnabit!!!  someday, maybe, i'll figure out the equation for this balancing act.  that would be nice!

[sanmagic7]

it's our one year anniversary of being in this house.  i want to find a house blessing/cleansing prayer and sage it.  we've had so much stress and tension while living here this past year, i just want to clear it all out and leave it bright and shiny for the year to come.  we so love living here, want to stay here always.  don't know yet how that will happen, but i have faith.

finally feeling better, and that feels good.  yesterday, on our way to a different food bank, my anxiety skyrocketed.  i thought it was because it would be a new place, new procedure, new people, so i left it at that for a bit.  later, i realized that with virtually all the stress and tension gone (i actually had a couple of very relaxed days this week) my body/mind was feeling disturbed for the lack of it.  i think i was somehow manufacturing anxiety because i don't quite know how to function smoothly without it!

it was quite the revelation.  i talked to my d about it, she thought it was a reasonable response to the fact that we've gone thru some rough stuff this past year, even lately, and have left some even rougher stuff behind once we moved here.  i went into my t mode and thought that if a client had brought this to me, that, yeah, i would have suggested it.  so, after i got home, i saged myself, said a little negativity release prayer, and felt pretty good the rest of the evening.

i also slept good last nite and feel pretty good this morning.  while i don't expect my life to be stress-free (i'm kind of waiting for the third person to die - these deaths always seem to come in three's), i am hoping that my body can begin to start letting go of a lot of what it's been holding onto for me.  that would be nice.  so, i'm still in healing mode, but this new twist gave me something to think about.  it feels right.

[Not Alone]

Glad you had some relaxed days and are learning how to allow yourself to feel a lack of stress. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the support, notalone.  i appreciate it.  love and  to you.  i hope you're doing well.

[Blueberry]

Sounds as if you're coping well with what's coming up! Also good on you for the realisations about anxiety-manufacturing.  Now I remember the word I was looking for - you sound empowered! You're coming up with ideas like saging, doing it, feeling a result and then telling us. Way to go!

[sanmagic7]

blueberry!  thank you so much - you touched my heart! 

i really like that phrase you used - anxiety-manufacturing.   that hits the nail on the head for me. 

i didn't feel it at the time, but maybe you're right, maybe this is how empowerment looks.  you know, i just got sick and tired of going in circles, not being able to get help anywhere else, so i guess i took to giving myself help.  i've looked for shamanistic healing for years, and none was forthcoming (medical docs, as you well know, have been less than helpful - it's hard for them to look outside the box at times, at the whole person and their history) so i pulled on some specific memories, especially of attending native american spiritual ceremonies.

it's seeming to do the trick.  i feel spiritual at this moment - i finished saging myself and the house - and i can feel my body struggling w/ being comfortable right now, getting rid of the negativity, the stress that's been built up in our home since we've moved in.  funny how that works.  anxiety-manufacturing - it's exactly what this feels like.  i guess now i just need to give myself time to get used to it, let myself be with it.   i could really feel it, tho, while i was walking around each room.

while i was reading about the smudging technique, it also talked about how it can rid the area of negativity, but also can open up the space - especially if you work at home, which my d does - to allow fresh ideas and more beneficial results in.  i liked that idea.  i would imagine that anything in the department of creativity would be enhanced. 

i'm also going to put a circle of sea salt around the outside of our house.  that's supposed to be helpful in keeping negativity out, not allowing it to enter.  i would love for peace and calm to reside here from now on.

thanks again, blueberry, for your vote of support.  you don't know what it meant to me.  love and hugs to you.  i hope you find your own way to empowerment.  it really does feel lovely - not at all aggressive, just grounded and light at the same time. 

[Sceal]

Can't believe that the last year has gone so fast! You've lived in the new house a year already!? Wow.

I always wondered about sage, it seems very ritualistic and spiritualistic. I was raised in a non-religious and non-spiritual home. Not that my parents would have been bothered if I chose either, they didn't baptize me or my sibling because they wanted to give us the choice. I thought that was nice, I apprechiated that. However, I am curious about spiritualism. Or some of it, although whenever I try to learn about it I get overwhelmed by people who wants to stuff it down my throat, or people who are just waaay over the top about it - in a way that too me seems fake and unauthentic. And that's a little sad, because I'd like to learn more. Perhaps I've looked in all the wrong places

But finding ways to get rid of negativity, burning up those energies and removing the toxic waste (be it emotional, mental, spiritual or actual, physical toxic waste from factories and what not) sounds like something we could all benefit from! I hope this works for you! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

i know what you mean about getting stuff crammed down your throat - not a fan of that, either.  this sageing thing i picked up from attending native american ceremonies and powwows.  they just did their thing, like they've been doing it forever, and simply invite people to join them, participate or not, w/ no pressure.

altho it's not my culture, the sageing has been something that's appealed to me, and i've used it before.  now that our house is done, i can actually feel it being 'cleaner'.  i've also been doing it on myself more regularly as a way, especially when i'm processing something, to release the negative by-products, let them go with the smoke.  i was raised religiously, but i never felt a sense of spirituality in all those years.  it wasn't until i attended my first AA meeting and they talked of a higher power that i understood and was able to feel what spirituality meant.

since then, that's the path i've chosen, and i've created my own belief system along the way.  it works for me.  i can't begin to haphazard a guess as to what might work for anyone else.  if you ever have questions, pm me, ok?   

thanks for your well wishes, sweet sceal.  i appreciate them and all your thoughts.  love and hugs to you.

[sanmagic7]

hard crash, just spent the past few hours crying.  i was telling someone about grieving what was taken from her, feeling bad for herself about what she's lost, and i think that triggered me.  i also realized that, as much as i've been feeling relaxed lately, it's really subjective.  i read recently about how pain does not allow relaxation of the body or brain, for that matter.

i don't know, it all hit me and i feel terrible at the moment.  terrible pain in my chest, did a guided relaxation which didn't help, went for the xanax.  i'm coming down right now from the spasm, but man o man, what a terrible feeling.  at my age, and just knowing about all this for just the past 5 yrs., i really don't think . . .it's too hard to write.  i'll get thru it, but it makes me wary of feeling good again if it's only going to end up like this.

[Sceal]

Hey San, I might PM you in the future. Right now, I don't have the head for more new information.
There's no native americans where I live, so I couldn't go to them. But also, I'd be terrified. I'm so afraid of stepping on some toes.

I read this article today... And reading what you wrote about today, it made me think of you. There was a small study done about PTSD sufferrers and chronic inflammation in the body.  It's been known for a while that with depression and such illnesses the bodys immune system goes into high gear, but usually it'll clear out once the depression is out. What they found in the research about PTSD and chronic low-grade inflammation is that after a person with PTSD has gone through their therapy and they feel better mentally their immune system goes into highwire and the inflammation actually increases - despite the patient feeling mentally better. It's such a small study so it doesn't have anything definitive, but it is an interessting thing never the less. And interessting enough for the researchers to continue to study this.

My point is, maybe right now your immune system is a bit broken down and your body isn't relaxing because it's fighting a low-grade inflammation, that it's not "just" the mind? If you catch my drift.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i believe you are absolutely on the money.  i've been battling inflammatory responses to stress for over 40 yrs.  in fact, i believe it is an underlying factor in the 'stress flue' i recently mentioned.  this was how, in fact, i found out about being pregnant w/ my first d - i'd been feeling like i had the beginnings of the 'flu' for over a month, couldn't feel better, finally went to the doc and he checked - sure enough, i was pregnant.  so, it seems that any kind of stressor, no matter what form, produces inflammation that causes flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feeling generally crappy, lethargy, burning eyes - like the flu is right around the corner.  that's never the reality, tho.

i've been taking ibuprofen for over half my life to combat these symptoms - i don't think a day goes by that i'm not taking some.  plus, the chronic pain i experience compounds any mental/emotional stress i might be feeling - and it doesn't take much to produce that.  last time i saw my doc, who is a nurse practitioner (i like them better than regular m.d.'s), she told me i was completely worn out.  i simply have no resources left for battling this stuff.  it's been too much for too long.

i'll be 72 this year - i don't think i have enough time left to actually heal anymore, which was part of what got me very down today, too.  i've usually been able to hold off on thinking about that, but it hit me consciously today.  i don't believe anymore that there is any true hope for a full recovery for me.  that means that i put up with the pain as best i can, put one foot in front of the other, do what i'm able (like my sageing, my brainspotting, and my grieving - i don't think i can get away from that.  there's been too much loss in my lifetime - and just be part of this forum, surround myself with you and everyone else who has shown me such kindness and caring, and have faith.   and rely on the occasional xanax to get me thru these particularly tough days.

i truly thank you sceal for you time and attention.  you have shown me to be one of my greatest supporters, and for that i'm grateful.  i believe what you said about battling the low grade inflammation - i'm convinced it is always there, sometimes worse than others.  i will just take advantage of my better days, and live thru my worse days.  i just want to help my d out until she can stand on her own two feet financially.  she's my do-over, and i am glad for the chance to be the mom i couldn't be in the past.  sometimes, tho, it takes a lot out of me.still, she is good about letting me rest, has no judgments, and is very patient and kind w/ me. 

i'm also grateful that i have a place here where i can let some of this stuff out, and get feedback that lets me know it's not all in my head, that i'm not crazy or faking it.  that's been a trial over the years, too.  so, thanks again.  love you, doll.

[Tee]

Don't give up San you may not make it your perfect place but I hope you can make to a better one.  I have to hope that there's better for us all out what's the point?  Hugs!

[sanmagic7]

tee, thank you for your words of encouragement.  very sweet of you.  i don't think i'm giving up, just being realistic.  i'm too old, came to this after too many years of damage - my body doesn't have time anymore to fully heal, if it even could.  my brain has been damaged from before birth, and altho i've made a lot of progress, and have had a great life, have accomplished a lot of things, it's just too stressful to do anything like that anymore.  this past year has shown me how very low my tolerance toward any kind of stress really is.

it's just the way it is.  all of you who have come to this realization of c-ptsd while you're so much younger, i have every hope and faith that you will make it through, that you will get better.  i don't have any doubt about that.  there are already several people over the past few years who have reported that they no longer meet the diagnosis of c-ptsd - that's the greatest news ever!

so, thank you, tee - i truly appreciate your hope.  i'm convinced it really will be better for most all of you.  i'm speaking of myself only, and this realization, being able to voice it, hit me hard today.  i don't mean to bring anyone else down.  it's just my age - things don't heal the same in your 70's as they do earlier.  so many of you do have the time to make the changes, to do the work, to see life thru a different lens and create a different perspective.  i won't stop fighting, i have more better days than in the past.  *, there was a time i was too sick to do the dishes!  that's not so anymore.  so, yeah, i've gotten better, and it has been worth it. 

the point is, as others have said, is that even tho we get thrown down, we continue to pick ourselves up one more time.  i'll keep picking myself up - it's what i do - it just keeps getting a bit more difficult now than it used to, the realizations are more difficult to digest and process, and the pain doesn't go away anymore.  living better thru science is the best i can do, and i fight that every day, too.  sometimes i wish i could just stay stoned and not care, but i've been there, done that, it's not the solution. 

so, i'll keep coming here when i'm able, and absorb all the goodness you give me.  that helps.

[Blueberry]

   

[Blueberry]

i simply have no resources left for battling this stuff.  it's been too much for too long.

Wish I could send you some, but I mostly have too little energy myself.

i'll be 72 this year - i don't think i have enough time left to actually heal anymore, which was part of what got me very down today, too.  i've usually been able to hold off on thinking about that, but it hit me consciously today.  i don't believe anymore that there is any true hope for a full recovery for me.  that means that i put up with the pain as best i can, put one foot in front of the other, do what i'm able (like my sageing, my brainspotting, and my grieving - i don't think i can get away from that.  there's been too much loss in my lifetime - and just be part of this forum, surround myself with you and everyone else who has shown me such kindness and caring, and have faith.   and rely on the occasional xanax to get me thru these particularly tough days.

I'm a couple of decades younger than you, but I do feel that way sometimes too. I feel it worst when I'm in an EF though. In my EF, I think these are realistic thoughts. Outside the EF they  hardly cross my mind.

I also think that younger mbrs on the forum who get into trauma-informed T have a better chance of healing properly than some of us older ones who did decades of T which may now have turned out to be partially counterproductive, because not trauma-informed. Atm my T is helping me disband some of those incorrect ideas that were given to me in non trauma-informed T. 

i'm also grateful that i have a place here where i can let some of this stuff out, and get feedback that lets me know it's not all in my head, that i'm not crazy or faking it.  that's been a trial over the years, too. 

Yes, yes and yes to all of this too.