I really need some help right now. Triggered and no where else to turn.

[LilyITV]

Things had been going along swimmingly for me, but now I've hit a bump.  It started at my last therapy session yesterday and things are still spiraling.  I feel like such a mess.  My therapist had suggested I bring my husband in as a way to show support and help him understand what I'm going through since I had mentioned that he really wanted to be supportive but wasn't sure how.  In the moment, I said I didn't want that.  In my mind, I thought it would turn into a session where they talked about everything wrong with me and my husband complaining about me and my emotional availability.  Overall at the session I felt I was being pushed a little beyond my limits and discouraged almost to the point of regretting I started therapy in the first place.  We talked about how I have no friends I can lean on for support other than my husband and even with him it is hard for me to be vulnerable.

After I had a chance to think about it and calm down, I decided to ask my husband whether he wanted to come to therapy with me as my therapist suggested.  To my horror, instead of feeling pleased that I was trying to include him in my recovery, he seemed very hurt.  He feels like he should be the one I run to when I need help and seemed to be hurt that I can talk about things in therapy but not with him.  He seems beyond frustrated that he can't be my knight in shining armor.  So already I'm feeling discouraged and feeling like crawling in my shell.

Then this morning, I try again to get close to him and get support.  He has a lot of things going on at work, so even though I could tell he was trying not to be impatient with me, he brusquely brushed me off and rushed on to work.

This brought on in me a full on ugly cry and this afternoon I am still crying over it.   The cliff notes version of my childhood is that my father was controlling , emotionally neglectful, used harsh physical discipline and was sometimes emotionally abusive.  My mom suffered from mental illness brought on from years of childhood sexual abuse and sometimes couldn't give me the emotional support I needed.  Still, I was very emotionally attached to her until 9 years old, when she completely abandoned me emotionally.  She tried to pick up the pieces and reconnect by the time I was about 12, but the damage was done. 

When my husband brushed me off,, I tried to recognize the feelings that were triggered and it brought me back to that time in my life when my mom abandoned me.  I have learned that when having an EF it helps to reach out for emotional support but I have no one to turn to at the moment and I don't know what to do?  I would really appreciate a kind word right now because I feel so overwhelmed with sadness.

[Hope67]

Hi LilyITV,
Just wanted to say that I read what you wrote here, and I want to offer you a supportive and kind word - because it's so tough when you feel overwhelmed with sadness - sometimes when I feel over-whelmed and if there's no one around to comfort me, then I tell myself 'This too will pass' - I don't know if that might help you - but I just wanted to say that, and I also sometimes put my own arms around myself - like a physical hug of comfort - and it does feel comforting - might be worth trying - but I would also like to send you a virtual hug of gentle support, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Laura90]

Hi LilyITV, I've read your post.

I'm so feeling for you in this crippling pain you're experiencing right now.

Youre right, you need emotional support, a kind listening ear, a hug, anything while helps your pain and suffering feel validating.

Unfortunately the people we need for this can sometimes be useless at being around or able to do that when we most need it. And that sounds like it's left you in an alone type place which is triggering and immensely painful.

Can you mentalise in your mind what you would most want? Visualise it, feel it, be it, let it soothe you?

What woukd you want your husband or any person, real or not real to say, look or hold you if anything? Or an animal, someone that inspires you? Let them see your pain and gently soothe you.

I know it's never the same as happening for real but this skill might just help reduce the intensity of the overwhelming emotions you're in.

Again I'm so sorry you're experiencing this right now. I totally understand it too and it's just unbearable isn't it?

Please take care. You deserve it.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now! Would it be okay to offer you a safe, gentle hug? Here it is if you need one. 

I'm sorry your bf had his feelings hurt, but that's not your fault. His feelings are his to take care of.

[woodsgnome]

I'm sorry to hear of this troubling twist in your life.  Here's something from me:

 

I know it's probably not enough, so please add this:



and know that one is from your precious inner self.

Nothing ever seems adequate, but I hope you can connect to feeling that your inner self and those of us on here fully support you. Most of all, be kind to yourself knowing you're doing the best you know how; even if that 'best' can feel like * at the moment.

[LilyITV]

I just want to thank you all so much for the support.  The advice and hugs really did help.  That is what I really would have wanted--someone who could just hug me, reassure me and let me know everything would be okay.  Someone who would be there for me when I needed them and someone I wouldn't have to worry about bailing on me when I'm at my worst. 

And yes I did give myself a hug! 

Unfortunately now I have lost a whole day over this and I have a deadline at work I have to complete before tomroow.  .  I wish I had the luxury of just crawling into bed right now, but now I have to pull an all nighter.   This is just a day where I just want to whimper "Poor me!"