Early SA, anyone else?

[Elphanigh]

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in this board in a while but I do read most of what goes on in here. I more recently had another set of memories come up from when I was like 2-3, not exactly sure but much younger than my memories that are clearer from when I was 5 or 6. I am struggling to accept that there was SA that early in my life, I knew there was some verbal, emotional abuse going on and me witnessing some PA but something about getting memories of SA from back then is overwhelming.

Has anyone else dealt with trying to accept something that early in life? As much as I hope no one has I can't imagine this is isolated, sadly. Anyways any words of wisdom or things that helped you would be great. I am searching for anything that might help me wrap my mind around the new information.   

[Blueberry]

Yes very early SA. I know how my M reacts around small children. I used to even have memories of when I was very very small and there was inappropriate touching. But it's more I know her strange comments and I know that as a young adult before I knew of cptsd or even had been in any help other than short-term counselling at college, when these strange remarks came up, I froze. 

Except to say I believe you, I don't know what I can say that might help you.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, the words "I believe you" help so much more than you can know. I am having a hard time believing myself so it means the world. I am sorry for all the comments and inappropriate touching that happened when you were small. No one should have to go through that.

*trigger warning*

This one has to do with my uncle and him showing me then making me touch him in a few very inappropriate ways. I can't even begin to fathom putting more words to it than that.

*end trigger*

It feels real, and looks like any other memory I have ever had of my abuse. It feels like other repressed memories I have had but it comes with a different much younger version of myself that I don't know how to handle or accept yet. It changes the narrative I had for myself and I can't as an adult accept it yet. Partially because I don't believe it yet.. so thank you for believing me. 

[Three Roses]

Yes, I have some very early memories, like pre-walking age, but like BB I can't think of anything else to say. 

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses, it's okay you don't have words. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone, that is healing in its own way. 

[woodsgnome]

***TRIGGER WARNING/VERY EARLY SA***

Quote Elphanigh: "Has anyone else dealt with trying to accept something [SA] that early in life?"

Yes, it's my first memory of life.  I know I was in a crib and that the m and perhaps someone else (a much older sibling?) was the perpetrator. It's always been seared into memory; a couple of times I tried different means (e.g. reputable shamanic 'soul regression/retrieval' and hypnosis, etc.), sort of in a self-denial effort to come up with an alternative to what I remembered. These alternative tools (the practitioners were not prepped as to why I wanted the process done) were very accurate and only pointed right back to the memory as being entirely valid. This rather figures given that most of my early years after that incident followed an abusive pattern, not exclusively SA but it was right up there.

That's the skinny, I guess--SA was there from extremely early. How I dealt with it? That's a significant part of my entire life's journey ever since. There were times I prayed for amnesia, etc., ad infinitum. Enough said, I think. I just hope your own (or anyone else's) discoveries in this regard) don't allow those long-ago violations disrupt your present state of being. 

A shallow consideration, but I try to cling hold to the idea that what's past has passed, like wisps of smoke I burn in a daily meditation; although, in my case anyway, the memory is so strong it resists being blanked out. My daily recovery mantra is accept (in-breath) and release (out-breath)...accept/release. If I can stay with it, this little ritual helps ease the tense armouring I experience around this.

[Eyessoblue]

Yes, this is my first memory too, and a lot more have appeared throughout my early life that I've been trying to figure out and deal with. Have you had any EMDR? This has really helped me to find out about what actually happened and yes it's not been nice but I have been able to process it and move on without it affecting me now.

[Elphanigh]

Woodsgnome, thank you for sharing your experience. That is a lot of work that went into that memory. This memory does fit into the pattern of the rest of my abuse, it just has caught me off guard I guess. It did disrupt my life this week, but I am getting my footing again so it should stop doing that. Although I do still kind of wish I could forget it.

Eyessoblue, I have done a lot of EMDR and it is probably part of why this memory came up for me. I am still utilizing emdr in therapy along with some ego state work. It means I have gotten back some other memories as well. I am hoping my session Monday will help me with this as well. I am glad it helped you move on

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I want to also say 'Yes, me too' - although it was difficult for me to come into this thread and 'say that' - even though I've written about it in different parts of 'OOTS' - I think it's down to parts of me still wanting to minimise it, and think it hasn't happened to me, but I think it has.  I have fragmented memories, and more of them are coming 'into conscious mind' - and I feel like I can say "Early SA" - "Yes, I think so."
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hope, it means a lot you came here to say 'me too". That is huge, and I am sorry you went through it too but glad we aren't alone. Sending safe hugs 

[LearningToLive]

Yes though I didn't know the age until I was discussing the abuse with my mother (it was her father who did it) and she said the house I was in at the time, I was age 2. So yikes. And a babysitter, I was able to figure out my age at the time based on the fact that we were watching Jaws on tv (me, my bro and sitter). I was able to research to determine what year it came out on tv, and then determine my age at the time (3). It's sad, and it hurts to realize that it started so very young. But unfortunately for me, it lasted for years so the age I was when it started does not affect me as much as knowing it lasted for years and no one helped me or protected me. That is what upsets me the most now. The neglect, the fact that no one protected me from it, the fact that my mother continued bringing me around the man she knew had touched her daughter (as he had also abused her and all her siblings). It's just messed up. 

[brightlight]

LearningToLive - I'm so sorry you went through this and I understand your feelings of not being protected. I think that's what makes the emotions so strong, no one protecting you.

Sending 

[LKC]

Elphanigh, Thank you for sharing this and you are definitely not alone. I have very little memories from childhood until middle school. In 2017-2018 I began having fragmented memories of very early SA by a person/family member that was supposed to take care of me. It was completely overwhelming and a feeling that words really can't describe. I wanted to deny it and also still struggle with fear that I am wrong... my brain is making something up... BUT what helps me stay honest with myself and validate myself is the feeling when I started remembering and the fact that it made many more things in my life make sense. It was like  the missing piece of the puzzle.

It helps to talk about it with safe people and a therapist you feel safe with. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for your response LKC. I have not come back to this thread in quite a long time. I am grateful to say I have done a lot of processing of what came up at that time and do feel much more at peace with it. Being open and honest with my therapist and a few safe people did really do what I needed to accept those memories as part of my story. 

[LKC]

That is wonderful and encouraging to hear!