Chapter 2

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Kizzie

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Chapter 2
« on: June 28, 2016, 11:58:51 PM »
Moving on to a new chapter  :heythere:

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Thumper

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Re: Chapter 2
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2016, 12:18:19 AM »
Thank you Kizzie.   :cheer:

Chapter 2   Levels of Recovering

“I was motivated to write this book in large part because of the many times I sank into new levels of self-contempt when the latest panacea therapy did not cure me.” 
 
Thank you, thank you and thank you. 

If you are following along I had a covert narc for a mom and a sweet, very book smart enabling father.  One of his sayings that makes me want to sit down and just sob is, “There is no such word as can’t!”  He would even say things later like “If there is a will there is a way!” Both still make me want to fold up into a little ball and whimper to him the truth as I saw it…I had no more will. 

It is so strange but I really was so good at just about everything I tried.  My mother was as I found out about ten years old “kinda stupid” and she could not for the life of her figure out how to read the instructions on a simple pattern.  She got all flustered and started to cry.  So I did it for her.  So many things she could not figure out, I did it yet I felt this way.  I really did. 

When our kids were little they were so very different little souls.  I would try this and then that and then that to reach into them and help them learn to solve problems creatively.  I always wanted them to learn and figure it out and they earned the credit.  Many times the hard way too!  What was different in the way I treated them and the way I treated myself with my covert narc mom’s help of course?  The answer is we, my kids and I tried everything until we figured it out in my and my narc mom’s case at the first sign of trouble we found fault with me!  Perhaps it was easier for her or when I was a mom I loved more completely I don’t know but I did, I simply moved on to the next thing that might work without all the BLAME.  I felt something was wrong with me when there really was not so instead of keeping at it I caved.  I am going to learn to do it the right way or at least the way I taught my kids.   

Thumper  :heythere:
Going hiking this weekend.  Be safe and have fun everyone.   :thumbup:
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« Last Edit: Today at 01:36:46 PM by Thumper »

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Kizzie

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Re: Chapter 2
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2016, 06:26:57 PM »
 My cNM is the queen of similar sayings  :dramaqueen:  At best it was/is a superficial attempt to sound wise and at worst dismissive, invalidating and abdicates any responsibility, just like your F  (e.g., I don't have the power to do anything about this; you must make changes in order to be happy, just try harder   :blahblahblah:). 

So what is a child to feel when speaking their truth in a genuine and heartfelt way (M is abusive) and their parent responds in this way?  Whimpering and rolling up into a ball captures that feeling of abandonment all too well Thumper - tough feelings to have to remember.  But that's our way out of EFs and depression and anxiety imo - speaking our truth hard as that may be and finally being heard, validated and supported.

I hear you, I understand what that must have been like, and I'm sorry you went through that.  Happy hiking Thumper  :hug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Chapter 2
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2016, 06:51:02 PM »
I hope it's ok for me to jump in here  :wave:

"An especially tragic developmental arrest that afflicts many survivors is the loss of their willpower and self motivation." (p 23 chap 2)

Wow, this is so me! Altho it's an annoying trait, at least I can feel validated through Walker's statement that this is not a personality flaw but a result of the damage done; and so, not permanent. I am comforted.

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Thumper

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Re: Chapter 2
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2016, 08:19:09 PM »
I have not picked up the book in more than a week but I have been letting it percolate.  I have been closing my eyes at night and trying to remember what if felt like to be me and how much harder ilife was not having the support I needed as a child. 

When I was hiking I tried to remember hiking with my family and why if feels so good now but I hated it then.  I spent my childhood at our swim and tennis club.  I was at swimming practice before sunrise in the summer and was often floating peacefully staring at the stars at 10pm when it closed yet climbing Virginia mountains killed me.  My legs ached.  To the delight of my mother my not very athletic father blew past me.  I was winded and grabbing small tree trunks because I did not want to slip.  When I finally made it to the prized look out rock, I was afraid it was unsafe.  We were forced to go every year for several years.  I hated it.

Now, I mostly I go at my own pace and if I am with someone who wants to hike faster or who is irritating, I just stay keep my distance and keep it my hike.  I can breath and I enjoy the peace.   It does not come naturally for me as I think it does for some lucky people.  I noticed my first response is to try to keep up and push myself.  But years ago because I really could not keep up with my kids and did not want them to grow up to be jerks I routinely called them out for being mean and taunting me.  I was not really standing up for myself (as I should have been) as much as I was making sure they were not mean and ugly people.  Something happened... I began to enjoy hiking, biking and even learned to snowboard when they did.  It was not perfect but it was just enough to let me find a small place to heal. 

When I was hiking the other day without my kids I began to think about what was different in my and my kids childhood.  My boys are big.  They like their father played tackle football for a good ten years however when they decided to compete for a military scholarship they discovered the run was way harder for them than many others.  The oldest child quietly, like his father as he put it pushed threw the wall.  The middle child decided he wanted to do "Crossfit" after finishing his successful high school football career.  He was shocked, little guys were "kicking his butt".  He came home each day in pain.  He threw up on a regular basis.  His coach did not delight in his struggle.  He instead coached him, told him what to do and eat after giving it all he had.  It was fun to watch him grow so much.  As a child I received little support or encouragement.  I remember my mom and dad laughing at me because I was afraid of falling of the granite rock.  I refused to go to the edge.  My legs, I thought were just not cut out for hiking so I avoided it for many years. 

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Thumper

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Re: Chapter 2
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2016, 10:14:24 PM »
I hope it's ok for me to jump in here  :wave:

"An especially tragic developmental arrest that afflicts many survivors is the loss of their willpower and self motivation." (p 23 chap 2)

Wow, this is so me! Altho it's an annoying trait, at least I can feel validated through Walker's statement that this is not a personality flaw but a result of the damage done; and so, not permanent. I am comforted.

I have been thinking about what you said Three Roses . Maybe it was just a way of coping because well I could not do it.  Just simply could not do it.  My failure may seem annoying to others or to me even when I am frustrated and I begin to believe I lost the willpower or self motivation but I am alive to live another day.  Now, from the Grace of God with perspective, I am going to take the time to ask myself if I really want to do something,  do I really want to do it and what if I really want to do it should I do to get the skills or strength to do it.  Learning was  was supposed to be about me but is was not but now I am going stop being irritated with myself or even my parents and try.  Just for the love of the game and because I want to. 

Thumper :heythere:

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Three Roses

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Re: Chapter 2
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2016, 10:29:26 PM »
Just started reading this book over again yesterday, so I'm continuing on with this thread. If anyone also wants to post regarding anything in chapter 2, or makecomments, please feel free to do so here if you'd like.

I have come across the bit again, where Pete W says, "An especially tragic developmental arrest that afflicts many survivors is the loss of their willpower and self-motivation." In an earlier post I said that this is an annoying trait (I meant to myself, I don't believe anyone else knows how little I have). But this goes way beyond just annoying - for me, it's crippling. No motivation whatsoever. Unless I really want to do something, I'm probably not going to do it. This makes self-care difficult, things like eating right and getting enough exercise are more than difficult, since I don't want to do either. If forced to do something I don't want to, I'm usually triggered into an EF and exhibit one of my main 4F types (freeze-fight).

He follows his statement: "... even when he manages to identify a goal of his own choosing, he may struggle to follow through with extended and concentrated effort. Remedying this developmental arrest is essential because many new psychological studies now show that persistence - even more than intelligence or innate talent - is the key psychological characteristic necessary for finding fulfillment in life.
   "I have worked with many survivors stranded in this form of adult helplessness. Those you recover from it typically do so by engaging extensively in the angering work of grieving that is discussed throughout this book. The ability to invoke willpower seems to be allied to your ability to healthily express your anger."
« Last Edit: August 21, 2016, 10:36:20 PM by Three Roses »

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Blueberry

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Re: Chapter 2
« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2019, 12:50:35 PM »
"An especially tragic developmental arrest that afflicts many survivors is the loss of their willpower and self motivation." (p 23 chap 2)

Wow, this is so me! ... at least I can feel validated through Walker's statement that this is not a personality flaw but a result of the damage done;

This statement on loss of will power and self-motivation has leapt out of the page straight at me a few times. It's so me too, 3R! It's an old thread, maybe you're further along with it 3R. I hope so.

Even more tragic is when those who damaged you into this state then harangued you for not having will-power or self-motivation, as happened in my FOO and I suspect in others.

Anyway, I'm back dipping into "Surviving to Thriving" as well as Pete's other book, "The Tao of Fully Feeling".