Decision Not To Go :(

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Phoebes

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Decision Not To Go :(
« on: October 20, 2018, 05:07:14 PM »
I've been away a while. My computer is basically telling me this different font on this website might mean hackers are watching in and gathering info, so I've been paranoid to log in. I've also really missed this community..I've felt very alone, so I decided it's worth the risk.

Well, I was going to go to a long lost old friend's event tonight..I told her I'd go on their FB invite.

But then, I noticed another mutual friend responded he was going two days ago. Ever since then I've had a couple of anxiety attacks about it, I'm not wanting to go. I'm beating myself up because I had wanted to go to reconnect with this other friend who invited me.

The issue with ex-friend #2- I've gone through phases of really missing and wanting this friendship. But then I remember that THREE times before we have had falling outs, where it was always that he covertly and overtly put me down, talked down to me, treated me less than, and then spun it around on me. Now that I am healing from Nm N-abuse, I make the correlation here. There was some good things about our friendship before, but it has turned into a control thing, an N-dynamic. Maybe my fault? Maybe not? I'm just too tired to engage with that person.

So, now I'm thinking I'm not going. But that makes me feel crappy. Should I just suck it up and go? Should I listen to my intuition and not go? It seems like that leaves me alone a lot lately.

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Kizzie

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2018, 06:33:27 PM »
 I guess what matters here is whether or not you can manage the triggering versus whether you should be able to manage it. I have let people with NPD chase me out of classes, jobs, etc., and I'd like to say I regretted it but looking back I was so triggered by them it probably was the kindest thing I could do for myself.  FWIW if the person has NPD I doubt anything is your fault. NPD makes it nearly impossible to have a healthy relationship IME.

Maybe you could tell your friend you can't go and invite her out for lunch or something else social?

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Phoebes

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2018, 06:56:55 PM »
Thanks, Kizzie! I could possibly do that. There will be tons of people there, and it's not like my absence will make a huge difference I don't think. My skin has been crawling all day at the thought of this unwanted and uninvited "reunion" with this other person.

This is one of those things where everyone thinks he's cool and wonderful, he comes off as so "spiritual" and charismatic, yet eventually he comes around to put-downs, covert slights, even aggressive comments..then, when you take up for yourself or question, he says you are being too sensitive and making something about you when it wasn't. (?) He it my dog's face, and said he needs to give me a lesson in dog training. Then when I didn't immediately respond to his aggressive attempts at reeling me back in, he said HE doesn't hold grudges. Why is it that abusers say you're holding a grudge when you're not, you just don't want to be around them. LOL.

I think I'm definitely justified after several things like this in finally staying away this time, but this mutual friend is a problem in keeping them around long term potentially. (My brother is seriously dating her- that's a whole other story.)




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Deep Blue

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2018, 11:31:32 PM »
If it was me, I wouldn’t go to the party.  It’s not worth the mental health risk IMO. 

Someone on the forum once told me that the vilest predators are often attracted to the brightest lights.  This party sounds like a possible hunting ground so I’d stay clear.

I agree with Kizzie that maybe reach out to the friend you do want to see and offer to grab lunch or coffee or something.

Best wishes

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Kizzie

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2018, 05:14:21 PM »
Yup, he sounds like a person it's best to avoid or at least distance yourself from as much as possible.   :yes:

If you go out with your friend I hope you have a lovely time  :hug:

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LilyITV

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2018, 05:37:47 PM »
Glad you found a good solution to this dilemma!  It's really tough when you begin to doubt yourself and your intuition.  I do this all the time and it gets me stuck in anaylsis paralysis. 

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Kizzie

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2018, 04:54:13 PM »
How did things turn out Phoebes?

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Phoebes

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2018, 06:29:23 PM »
Well, I didn't go. I felt kinda bad about it..but then, the old friend, seeing I wasn't there reached out to me and wants to get together..I have cautiously accepted, but it hasn't happened yet..eek.

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Kizzie

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2018, 08:53:26 PM »
Sounds like your friend IS a friend you can count on and be safe with?  :Idunno:   

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Phoebes

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2018, 10:47:03 PM »
We shall see. I'll give it a chance..the last time we had a major falling out was still pre-my knowing anything about myself related to C-PTSD. I know I kind of ghosted her in a way, but she was also unapologetically condescending (again). I probably could have handled it better..she seems like she's gotten life figured out where I have done the opposite. Maybe I need to be around more people like her? We shall see if the condescension is still there. I feel like this takes some courage..it used to seem like the end of the world if something happened with a friend, but now, I more feel like I can say something and choose. I'm starting to feel like I count, too (didn't realize before I didn't, but now I realize I didn't.)

Thanks for reaching out about this! I really appreciate the support.  :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2018, 06:46:21 PM »
Quote
she seems like she's gotten life figured out where I have done the opposite

I don't know Phoebes, it sounds to me like you are doing a pretty darn good job of figuring things out   :yes: 

 :hug:

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Phoebes

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Re: Decision Not To Go :(
« Reply #11 on: November 01, 2018, 01:46:49 AM »
Thank you! I really appreciate the validation. Just to be clear, I am meaning friend #2 from above-the one I felt like avoiding!