At Every Turn

Started by Phoebes, November 16, 2018, 02:28:20 PM

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Phoebes

This symptom is so real. It's strange, because on one hand, I have a few long term close friends who I can pick right up with like we never left off, and I am grateful for that. But I rarely see these. One the other hand, MOST relationships at some point encounter trouble that I find very hard to navigate.

I've recently realized that at junctures in the relationship that has been distant, I could have been a better communicator. It usually goes something like this: Everything seems fine. Friend does or says something that hurts. I back away and wait for their contact or apology, or both, it never happens. Weeks or years later I'm asked why I've never called.

Sometimes it's that I choose friends who resonate like my Nm. Other times it's that I misunderstand. It occurs to me that even though I'm not ok with the distance, sometimes it goes on for years and hurts the other person. Wow. I am a mess. I'm also very alone because of this. Many friends I once had a strong connection to are very distant now, although I wonder if it's because I chose their vibe and consequent slights because that was my vibe.

There is ONE in particular right now that I feel compelled to talk to about this He recently came back in my life. I think I may have misunderstood something he posted after spending time with him. (Although he never called either). Is it weird to say can we talk?

I always feel weird, inappropriate, like the other person would be bothered or not want to. Like what I have to say would make things worse. This is another problem I have with maintaining relationships. I don't feel on a deep level I matter to anyone.

It's interesting after all these years of frustration to realize this is a symptom of the way I was treated by Nparents. It makes sense now.


Phoebes

I always feel weird, inappropriate, like the other person would be bothered or not want to. Like what I have to say would make things worse. This is another problem I have with maintaining relationships. I don't feel on a deep level I matter to anyone.

I'm responding to my own comment. lol.. This is a MAJOR and perhaps THE most major reason I struggle. I feel like, and maybe its based on some experience, that if I talk to someone about an incident, or my feelings, that TOO much spills out, because it IS all related to the C-PTSD. No one gets that. It's too heavy, and then I feel horrible I "overdid it" with talking to them.

I've learned that resisting the urge to talk to someone when I feel the "compulsion" is a GOOD thing and prevents all of these anxious feelings afterward. But then, I still have the feelings. And then I feel isolated because I feel alone in this extreme level of concern over something the other person probably has a different take on.. I feel too intense, yet like it's my fault. How do you express apologies without it being so intense? Are apologies even warranted?

LilyITV

Hey girl it's almost like we share a brain on this one.  Exact same thought process.

It seems you have a lot of awareness of why your friendships tend to drift and your reluctance to share.  Yes, it is so hard for us to believe that we matter.

One thing I notice in your posts (because I do it too) is that you seem to focus on what the other person is thinking.  My therapist keeps telling me to just focus on *my* feelings.  The other person can take care of themselves.  You shouldn't worry about coming off as too intense, or whether you should apologize.  Maybe the other person is not thinking you need to apologize.  Maybe they sympathize with your intense feelings.  Whatever the case, it's not your job to control their feelings.  If they are offended, trust that they will do what they feel is appropriate for them.

Also, could it be that you are catastrophizing the whole situation?  I know I spend a lot of my time stressed out about personal encounters and on the occasions I do take action to resolve the problem, 95% of the time it turns out I've made a mountain out of a molehill. 

This part of your post also leaps out at me.
QuoteI've learned that resisting the urge to talk to someone when I feel the "compulsion" is a GOOD thing and prevents all of these anxious feelings afterward. But then, I still have the feelings.

I am not certain it is such a good thing that you resist the urge to talk to prevent feeling anxiety.   I am pretty avoidant too, and running away from unpleasant feelings works in the moment but it prevents us from having good experiences as well.  Would the anxiety be an EF???  My therapist keeps telling me that I need to learn to manage the feelings of anxiety and that if I wait for the perfect time when I don't feel anxious to bring up unpleasant topics...well that time will probably never come. 


Phoebes

Thanks so much, Lily. It's nice to know there are some who understand this. When I therapize myself, I reach some of the same conclusions..It's not that I feel like they would feel things, it's more like I feel like they would banish me. I know, it's strange.

I DO think it's based on EF, because as a child and even as an adult, I was never, and I do mean NE-VER allowed to voice a feeling. I was never asked about my feelings, and if I started sharing, even as a very young child, but throughout, I was immediately shut down, berated, and literally told I don't get to say how I feel. After grieving some memories and realizations even lately, one big one was this. That I was not allowed feeling.

**TW-PA**





Beyond, that I HAVE been banished, berated, slapped, whipped, ripped to shreds verbally many many times through childhood. When I was sharing my feelings as anyone would, most would be comforted or reciprocated by a mother, but mine would lash out and berate me. My feelings would often turn from despair to huge adrenaline surges, to extreme shame and humiliation.

As an adult, for example, if I mentioned I was upset a boyfriend broke up with me to my Nm, she would fly into a wild rage on her face and say in a mean tone, "YOU need to learn how to LOVE." or "HUH. YOU don't even know what LOVE IS." And the like. I don't know why this triggered her so much. Probably she didn't want to take responsibility for why I would be so shameful as to be broken up with. How embarrassing for her.

But I digress. I think I have a visceral and very anxious response to the thought of sharing my deepest feelings. I know intellectually other people aren't like that. But here I've attracted some real losers, so surely it's on my face or in my vibration I'm not worthy. So I'm not worthy of understanding or empathy. (I know that's not logical, but how I feel going into wondering if I should share my feelings, however intense, with someone.)

LilyITV

Yes, feelings were pretty much nonexistent in my household as a child.  I don't remember being exactly punished for expressing a feeling because I never realized that expressing feelings was an option.  If I was feeling down or confused about something, it just never would have occurred to me to ask either of my parents for help.  My father was big on control and the rule number one for children was to be obedient. 

The last part of your post is so sad when you're talking about feeling like you're not worthy of empathy  and feeling like there's something about you that attracts abusive people.  I'm sure you recognize on an intellectual level that this is not true.  I'd seen questionnaires for depression and other conditions and one of the symptoms would be listed as "Feeling different from other people. "  I don't think I ever really understood what that meant until I learned about C-PTSD. 

I think we are vicitmized because abusers recognize that there is something different about us.  I think they are open to abusing everyone, but they are only able to prey on us because our abusers trained us to think that we couldn't fight back.