When you don't feel like a person...

[Jazzy]

I'm wondering if anyone could share some advice or resources on this topic?

To explain a bit more:

As a child I was always taught that I was very different than every one else, and I should not associate with others if I could help it. The was reinforced by being kept mostly isolated from society (I wasn't allowed to go to school etc.).  Sometimes I used to pretend I was a robot, or some other type of machine ... which seemed like what I was supposed to be.

These days, I know that I am a person like everyone else, but I still don't seem to believe it. For example, when I think about people in any sort of general sense, I don't consider myself included in the category of "people", and I need to talk myself in to accepting that I fit in that category. It is still really uncomfortable to think of myself "as a person", but I'm hoping that it will be helpful if I can sort this out.

So, hopefully someone has something.

Thanks
Jazzy

--

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I don't seem to be very good at that.

[Rainbow2]

hello , i am sorry to hear of this. i am not so sure that i have the answer to this one, all i can say is that it sounds to me that you grew up feeling you were not like other people, and made to feel different .. perhaps you grew up feeling like you had '' no human feelings''... maybe you felt '' numb '' empty '' or '' lacking in feeling '' i know that i grew up feeling this way a lot of the time, empty , not enough emotions feeling like nothing and like i was a nobody

i am sorry if i can not offer anymore advice ..

i can only say that sometimes i feel like a head on a body ( dp symptoms ) sometimes i feel like i have a hole inside of myself and sometimes i walk around feeling like a shell and i used to in the past..

maybe convincing yourself that you are '' different '' keeps you apart from people, maybe this is a self defense mechanism and maybe this keeps you from feeling apart from people

sorry that i can not be of anymore help, this is just my random thoughts

take care

[Three Roses]

There are a couple of things that occur to me, that you may be experiencing.

Derealisation - This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though the world around them is not real, that they are in a dreamlike state and detached from their feelings . This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).

Depersonalization – This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though they are not real, that they are disconnected from themselves, and are somewhat distant or detached from what is happening to them. This maladaptive strategy is used to when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).

From this site's glossary, http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/

[Jazzy]

Yeah, thanks guys.

It's just so hard dealing with things when childhood was so bad/wrong and there is no foundation to build on. All the stuff that was done/taught to me is the stuff that is bad for you...

Anyway, I'll look in to those things some more. I've looked at them briefly before but I've only considered them applying in a bad episode kind of thing. I thought maybe it was more involved when it is a taught/learned behaviour as well as a defense mechanism. Maybe I just need to think about it differently though. I'm not sure how to word it, but I guess I'm looking for a way to make myself really believe that I am a person like everybody else. It just goes against everything I've been taught.

[Rainagain]

My feeling is that our experiences are so outside normal experience that we feel outsider in some way.

I don't connect well with people any more, I react differently to them, their concerns don't matter to me etc.

Maybe we are outliers away from the middle of things, that's how I see myself.

[LilyITV]

My therapist has been trying to discuss this topic with me over and over and now that I'm reading this post it is finally clicking with me.  A lot of times in therapy, I will talk about "other people" and how easy it is for "other people" to ask for help, be vulnerable, be social, etc. and she'll frequently stop me and remind me that I am also a "people". 

I haven't been conscious of it up to know, but now I realize that for many years, I have not counted myself as a member of the human race. For me, I feel like the rules that apply to "other people" don't apply to me.  I guess I feel defective in some way or that I am just very different from "normal" people. It's very hard for me to put into words. 

I also grew up extremely isolated and my father had a deep distrust of, and sometimes even hatred, of "other people". 

Rainagain, your post really resonated with me too.  I always feel like an outsider and further that I will never be in the "in" crowd. 

It seems my therapist's approach is just to keep reminding me that I am a person.  I don't have to learn to be a person--I already am.  She always validates my feelings and lets me know that they are normal. 

So, Jazzy, it seems you are very far ahead of the curve in that you recognize these feelings in yourself.  I don't know, maybe it's just  a matter of catching ourselves every time we start exempting ourselves from the human race and over time we'll get out of the habit??

[Three Roses]

I read this today on Facebook and it really resonated with me. The Facebook group that shared this is called "Beauty After Bruises" - (bolding is mine)

Alterations in self-perception

Complex PTSD survivors undergo dramatic changes in terms of how they see themselves. If they were very young when their trauma began, they may have always had an unstable and negative self-view. This struggle with self-perception may take the form of overwhelming shame and guilt, a sense of helplessness, feeling stigmatized, and even as if they are completely different from other humans - as if they are "other".

[Jazzy]

Thank you all for sharing. I really appreciate the replies. You all have done a good job detailing what this feels like, and it is nice to know I'm not alone in it.

I think about/work on this stuff every single day, so I'm glad it isn't all for nothing. Maybe I'm lucky too, because last summer/fall I had a few months in which I felt a lot more "normal". I wish I understood what makes the difference.

I guess we just need to keep working at it.

[goblinchild]

I just logged on feeling this exact same way. It's nice to have good company, I guess.