Codependency and being able to accept help

[LilyITV]

Codependency is apparently my first, middle and last name.  I am in a little bit of a financial bind with my credit cards and I have the option to either try and go it alone, or ask my husband for help.  This has been going on for some time and comes down to bad budgeting on my part.  He is the one who is the financially literate one in our relationship and he would be willing to help me.  We got married a little later in life and kept our own separate finances but shared expenses. 

But the thought of having to share with him the extent of the problem is more than I can bear.  I feel like such a loser and can't stand the thought of him pitching out to help me out of a hole I created.   I feel this way even though when he was the one building his business and came to me for help, I gladly helped him in any way I could. 

I know it is the right thing for me to do to share it with him regardless, but I am so ashamed and afraid and don't want to feel dependent and out of control.  The bigger it gets the more ashamed I am but I know I need to get help before it becomes something that is beyond help.

How do I even begin to broach this topic with him?

[Boy22]

Hey LilyITV, my preference is to tackle one issue at a time. Getting him to your therapist is what I would see as the bigger obstacle. And I am obstinate, I always tackle the bigger obstacle first because after that the rest seem like peanuts.

[LilyITV]

That does make sense.  I do have a therapy appointment today so we can revisit this.  Sometimes I wish I could go to therapy daily. I'm feeling so overwhelmed...

[Kizzie]

I feel like such a loser and can't stand the thought of him pitching out to help me out of a hole I created.   I feel this way even though when he was the one building his business and came to me for help, I gladly helped him in any way I could. 

FWIW Lily, maybe if you think of your H and you being interdependent rather than codependent?   

If he is financially literate he could help you in other ways besides lending/giving you money. Perhaps a loan with a mutually agreed upon repayment plan would feel more comfortable emotionally? Working on a budget with his help might also feel less threatening/triggering? 

[LilyITV]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply both here and in the other thread Kizzie!

I really like the idea of interdependency.  It is such new territory for mew though.  I have been reading online about codependent relationships and it all seems to be geared toward couples where both are codependent.  Before I met my husband, I was with a guy for 10 years where I gave and gave and gave and he took and took and took.   When I was a child, my parents would provide for me, but it came at a high price.  I was not able to be my own person and was told what to buy, how to live, etc.  So when I turned 18 I left home and rarely asked for money.  I felt once I left the house, I could finally live my own life and financial dependence.  Getting help feels like going back to live with parents in my mind. 

Those are such great ideas about how I can ask for help from my husband.  Still terrifying, but at least I can make my mouth make those requests.  I don't think I could bring myself to ask for $1000.  Can barely type that...

[radical]

I don't know if this will be helpful to you, but I've found a site called irrelationship.com useful in understanding my difficulty with reciprococity in relationships and why I find it so hard to 'accept' from others.

[LilyITV]

Thanks so much for that link radiacal!  I think I could spend all day on that site, lol. 

[LilyITV]

Update:  I talked with my therapist about explaining my condition to my husband and about my reluctance to seek help.  It was a really good session and she gave me some really good tips and a website to start the discussion with my husband.  On asking for help, she reassured me that it is really difficult and not to beat myself over it.  Like Kizzie, she also suggested I start small and that I don't have to lay everything out on the table all at once. 

She also reminded me of advice she had given me in other sessions that I need to start thinking of myself as "other people".  When "other people' ask for help, I don't think badly of them and I don't judge them.  When "other people" ask for help, I bend over backward to help them and don't like to tell no.  The same things applies when telling "other people" no.  I always am afraid of being hated for saying no.

On my fear of being controlled when asking for help, she pointed out that if I feel there are strings attached to the help, I don't have to accept it.  Basically I need to realize that I am adult now and that I have choices. 

I felt much better when talking to her, although I think we are going to have to revisit these points again and again before they stick with me.  I am terrified even at taking the baby steps.  I might just focus on getting my husband to understand my condition better first before I start asking for help. 

[Boy22]

I felt much better when talking to her, although I think we are going to have to revisit these points again and again before they stick with me.

That rings lots of bells to me, its a refrain my T and I have
T: "Did I tell you about ...."
Me: "Probably, but say it again."

[Kizzie]

So glad to hear your session with your T went well Lily, just talking about your fears openly is a HUGE step imo so bravo and     

One step at a time