Nightmares and stuff

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graffitighost

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Nightmares and stuff
« on: October 23, 2018, 05:36:36 PM »
I think leaving my dad behind has triggered something again. I've been thinking a lot about what happened with him, and my mom, and wondering how much is fault. I've been wondering why I snapped the way I did with them. I know anger is a thing with CPTSD, I just don't understand any of it and no matter where I look I just can't find the answers I'm looking for. I'm wondering how much is my fault, and if I'm not the person I think I am. I feel so out of place and different from everyone around me

Last night I had a nightmare about my sister. She's the one person in this world I trust the most, and who I'm living with currently. I had a nightmare that she put her hands on me. I had another dream this week that I met my mom and told her I was going to college, and I didn't realize until after I woke up and thought about it for a while that the way I told her was extremely manipulative. I was angry and upset when I told her I was going to college, and I wanted her to be sorry. When she got defensive I insisted that "all I said was I'm going to college". I haven't spoken with my mom since I found out she'd found a way to look at my instagram and saw her face on the people who viewed my highlights. I messaged her in anger and blocked her account again.

I'm terrified I'm actually manipulative and gross like my mom and dad. I really don't want to be. I try to admit things and speak openly, and not be the same person I used to be. But I'll always be scared. And I don't know how much was my fault. I think I might've broken out in hives last night just from stress

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sanmagic7

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Re: Nightmares and stuff
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2018, 10:41:31 AM »
gg, this family stuff is always difficult.  we care so much about and for them, yet we know, too, that we have to care for ourselves first.  going nc with my oldest d was the hardest thing in my life, and there isn't a day that goes by when i don't think of her.

still, the abuse was there, and i was the only one able to address it in our relationship.  of course we don't want to be like them, which is what makes us so very unlike them.  but, self-care is our biggest defense, and it's up to us to do that for ourselves, cuz no one else can (or will.)

i hope your nightmares subside, and soon.  making these adjustments in our lives and relationships can play havoc with our minds, and too often it's when we're asleep that our subconscious is able to express itself in ways that aren't always understandable to us.  sorry about the hives - i've been there, too, at a particularly stressful time in my life.  awful.

i do believe things will smooth out for you eventually.  hang tough, ok?  sending love and a safe, comforting hug to you if you're ok with that.