[Rainagain]

New realisation today.

In order to get a pay off when I left my abusive workplace I signed a settlement agreement.

This agreement prevents easy recourse to the law to get proper compensation.

Today I found that there is guidance on what restrictions a government department can include in a settlement agreement.

My agreement does not follow the guidance, it is very restrictive, it protects my old managers very well, even from criminal charges.

I had a barrister look it over before signing, he said nothing about this aspect, he probably didn't know the public sector cannot use the same heavy tactics as the private sector, except in my case.

Feeling utterly betrayed, again.

I have been totally done over, and 'my' barrister allowed it.

My only recourse in law is a difficult one, it looks like at best I will only get 1/3 to 1/2 of the compensation that is achievable, and that is not a reasonable amount anyway.

I'm ashamed that I did my best for the employer and got all of this abuse in return.

Its outrageous, really vile. To be deliberately harmed by people with power, to be badly harmed for no real reason other than they could.

Makes me feel dreadful.

[radical]

I'm really sorry Rainagain.
This is appalling
I wish I had something more to offer than these words. 
Sending caring thoughts

[Rainagain]

Thanks radical,
Its just demonic the way I was treated... I still find it shocks me to find more evidence of wrongdoing, even after years have passed.

Part of recovery is probably acceptance of what has happened, that's the bit I still struggle with, it makes no sense really, just malevolence.

Doesn't fit with any world view outside of a film.

[BeHea1thy]

Hello Rainagain,

I am so sorry that you are caught in the legal system's clutches. I experienced a similar situation when I brought a lawsuit against my employer. It is soul crushing. There are no easy answers, and no speedy courses of action.

I can say one thing which I have learned from it; as much as it hurts, process it as your energy and feelings allow. This kind of thing can't be put off until later. I made the mistake of thinking I could turn away from it. Not true. It's going to be the hardest thing you've done, but work through the pain daily. Think of any and all things which can bring up relief, hope and encouragement. Accept help and above all, be kind and compassionate to yourself.

 

[Rainagain]

Hi behea1thy,

I'm possibly over processing it, just my nature.

I suppose the settlement agreement just hurts at the moment as I now see it clearly, its a final kick in the pants from the people who had acted badly towards me.

I'm not suitable for treatment apparently as my trauma is ongoing, going through all of the evidence just makes the betrayal more clear to me.

Maybe that is the process, I have to fully explore the evil I was subjected to before I can try to accept it, I'm at an early stage, sort of pre recovery, maybe.

My old life is gone. My personality is different, even my IQ seems lower.

So, if I can explore the dark place I'm in fully maybe I can find a new life using my new persona, the old me is gone and clearly wasn't fitted for the situation I found myself in.

It seems like a huge task, but needs doing I guess.

Start small and work at it, about all I can manage.

Accepting help is interesting for me, I see others as actual live threat or current non threat with potential to become a threat, I don't feel helped or expect it, I'm just assessing the harm others can cause me and its likelihood.

Even being isolated doesn't preclude my having to keep tabs on lots of threats, the world is just so full of dangers, at least to me.

[Contessa]

So sorry that you have to be dragged through this again and again RA.

I can identify with the life, personality and IQ aspect. All of your precious energy is being used to fight these guys and not look after yourself.

I don't know what else to say, but just wish this would end so you can move forward.

[Rainagain]

Thanks contessa.

You really do get it, humbling.

Thank you

[Rainagain]

And on we go

More legal hassle and more difficult realisations coming along steadily.

I'm getting to see background documents and talking to people who know things I didn't at the relevant times.

Turns out my suspicions at the time were pretty much accurate.

I spent so much energy trying not to overreact that I might have been too passive, I wasn't sure what was going on but my darkest suspicions at the time seem to have been correct.

Its quite hard to face what other people have deliberately done, I think my lost time episodes and memory blanks are about not having to look at what went on in one go. Also I don't have the concentration to properly see what it all means, or the attention span.

I think its all protective, it has a function, sort of.

[Three Roses]

I agree, rainagain. Our minds and brains protect us.