Issues with Over/Under Eating - Part 3

[Kizzie]

This thread is an open one in which you can about any issues you would like to that deal with over/under eating without being concerned about hijacking the thread.  See also Part 1 and Part 2.

[Blueberry]

If I don't get up, I tend not to eat or drink. This evening I finally ate something. I bought myself a salad and some other less nutritious food which I can just eat without preparing. But at least I ate the salad and finally had a mug of hot water instead of tea. Hot water is actually reasonably healthy. Not drinking for a day isn't healthy. I had headache off and on all night - dehydrated body.

Sometimes it's good for me to be honest somewhere about what I'm doing to myself.

[Elphanigh]

Sending lots of hugs and encouragement  I hope you can get more hydrated and be kind to yourself while you work on this.

I have had similar happens today. Although I did get up and hour early to go to the polls before work (election day). I found myself too anxious and just self critical to eat much today. I got some of my favorite coffee and a blueberry muffin and could hardly touch either this morning. I tried for several hours before giving up about noon. Have since had a bit of coffee and some left over pasta while I was on break at work. Took a while to get much down but it happened. I am going to try to eat some soup before I go to group tonight. My body still just feels sick but is so unsteady from a lack of proper calories the last two days.

Thank you for being honest and open Blueberry. I am glad this space exists

[Blueberry]

I tried to look at my eating issues again today. I had a huge craving for a type of cheese I saw. My feeling is that if I had got the cheese, I would've eaten it all up at once instead of even putting it in the fridge. A bit later I got a small piece of another type of cheese and I haven't eaten that up but again it's kind of 'white-knuckled' abstinence.

When I tried to be mindful and tried to feel my emotions here, it's mostly a big blank. I tried some Screen Processing, even though that's probably not the type of topic for which this method is much good. Some emotion did come, but it's of the hysterical IC type that tends to overwhelm me to feel into.

I think I need some more help from my T on this. However first I'll be on a yoga retreat for a couple of weeks, where the meals are super healthy but also tasty. Maybe I'll manage to feel into my issues there a bit better. Or maybe not.

[LilyITV]

First time on this thread!  I have been a yo-yo dieter my whole adult life and I never considered before that my  eating issues might be C-PTSD related.  Of course, my pop still makes it his job to monitor my weight and what I eat.  He is one of those that believes he is entitled to tell me when I am gaining weight and when I need to lose.  It's like he thinks I don't notice that I've gained weight and that I don't know that being too overweight can be unhealthy.  :/

When I am not following a diet, I use food to fill the void that is inside me.  It feels like I am not really alive until I eat food.  Eating gives me something to look forward too.  I never thought of myself as an emotional eater before, because when I'm really upset I tend not to eat.   

When I am on a diet, I am super regimented and tend to exercise a lot.  I lose weight quickly, and the thrill of seeing the weight come off replaces the joy I get when I eat delicious, unhealthy food.    I get positive attention from my father and others, and that produces a kind of high too.

It seems there is never a happy medium for me.  Is this a C-PTSD thing or is this just an everybody thing?   

[Libby183]

I wonder, LilyITV, whether, when  people have CPTSD, everything happens with that framework.  My feelings about food are different to yours and yet both seem equally CPTSD related.

My mother wanted me to be overweight because she was. She took my not being overweight as an insult to her. She convinced me that I was overweight. My stbx has always eaten to excess and I found this very difficult to cope with. I really think that he suffered from emotional neglect from his parents, no abuse, and he has turned to food for comfort. Also, therapy showed me how attachment and food are so intertwined in so many and varied forms.

I think that as we realise all of these aspects of ourselves, we can start to deal with them. But you're right, I think, it's that happy medium that is so elusive. People who haven't been traumatised are, I think, more likely to hit upon that.

All the best.

Libby.

[Kizzie]

I think that as we realise all of these aspects of ourselves, we can start to deal with them. But you're right, I think, it's that happy medium that is so elusive. People who haven't been traumatised are, I think, more likely to hit upon that.

  I think it's the degree to which we struggle with over/under-eating that relates to trauma and having CPTSD.  I have tried a lot of different things to get on top of overeating but without much success.  I finally came to the conclusion recently that until I deal with the trauma that's driving this issue, I will not find that comfortable place where I am more in charge of my eating/not eating.

[LilyITV]

Libby183, that is horrible that your mom was jealous of you for not being overweight.  You so often hear of parents being critical of their children for being overweight but not the other way around.

It really is interesting how past trauma can affect your eating habits.  I notice that my dad has the same weight loss patterns I do.   

[Blueberry]

  Of course, my pop still makes it his job to monitor my weight and what I eat.  He is one of those that believes he is entitled to tell me when I am gaining weight and when I need to lose.  It's like he thinks I don't notice that I've gained weight and that I don't know that being too overweight can be unhealthy.  :/

My F was like this too! He can't be anymore because I've reduced contact to such an extent he doesn't see me ever. I know VLC or NC aren't the right solution for everybody. Just saying, similar fathers in this respect.

__________________________

I've just made a couple of forward steps in healing. On Sunday, I still felt hungry after my very late lunch, though I couldn't actually have been. And because I had to leave the house to cycle up to the farm before it went dark, I didn't have time to eat anything else. So I did EFT "I love and accept myself even though I'm craving food" and the feeling of hunger disappeared.  Gone!!  

When I get back home from the farm on Mondays, I almost always have food-cravings. I was actually dreading discovering I would have to give up farm work to stop this craving. This evening when I got back from the farm, I had no craving! I unpacked my bags, put farm food away, and then made myself some vegetable soup. I did make myself a kind of dessert with preserved fruit and something like cottage cheese from the farm too, but it was a totally normal portion. I ate relatively slowly and noticed what I was eating. I didn't just shovel it all down the hatch so to speak. So, no food craving and much more mindful eating

The non craving could be connected to the EFT from Sunday or it could conceivably be connected to being dropped off at home rather than cycling since the latter is more effort, but I think it's more likely EFT or just my general forward movement atm.

[Blueberry]

Feels like a long time since I've been mindful about eating. My T set me the task of being mindful about food-shopping a good while ago, and more particularly of feeling into my emotions e.g. right outside the shop or inside the shop. I tried a few times and couldn't feel anything. So avoidance of whole issue I presume.

I had a different realisation yesterday. I'm not personally that unhappy about my weight or size. The downside is more my lack of physical condition meaning that I'm slower walking or cycling around and that it's more effort e.g. to walk uphill than when I was thinner and weighed less. Yet I'm ashamed of being overweight. This shame isn't mine. Recently I tripped over my own feet and landed hard on my face, one of my knees got a bit bashed in the process, and I'm still limping a bit. I didn't trip up because I'm fat, I tripped up because my feet are generally a bit problematic. I could be doing regular physio exercises to stabilise and strengthen my feet. But I'm not. Am I ashamed of that? Do I feel guilty about it? Of course not. It's not one of the things that was drilled into me time again in my childhood. In fact quite the opposite, looking after yourself properly was considered a bit 'wet', as if you were mollycoddling yourself.

M announced in a movie theatre in the early 80's that I wasn't yet fat, but "soon would be", a prophecy that I never forgot. I wouldn't consider putting on weight in the past 5-6 years or even 10 years as "soon", but it took me about that long to realise that I wasn't actually fat. Now I am.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u for the  thread..
I have had prevalent issues with binge earing since being a child and over the last years it became v bad.
I now follow a 12 step recovery programme for food addicts and have 1 year of complete abstinence. I've worked on some deep seated emotions via the step work, my sponser and others and feel in a much better place.
Here is a link for anyone who has issues with food and may like support..

[Boatsetsailrose]

https://www.foodaddicts.org/

[Blueberry]

What struck me about your post was the relationship between physical instability and eating/weight issues. When I was emaciated due to undiagnosed depression, I lost all core strength. It took years to even partially regain. When I stopped psychiatric meds and gained weight, instability, weakness and imbalance still stalked me.

I was kind of interested to read this, but in my case it really is the case that my feet have always been problematic and now my lower legs and ankles are too, which throws my balance off.

[Kizzie]

Tks for the link Boats, I'm just about to go away but will look at the material when I have a moment.  I'm familiar with the AA 12 step program and wasn't a fan b/c it doesn't get at the underlying trauma that leads to the addiction and places sole responsibility on the addict. Taking responsibility for our lives is not a bad thing but placing responsibility on others who hurt us is equally or more important when it comes to being abused/neglected imo.

Anyway, is this similar? How did it help you? 

[Boatsetsailrose]

I got sober via AA first and then went to Fa.. I do both fellowships now.
My experience is that through working the steps and continuing to do so I have worked on the resentment towards my m and have grown in ways I hadn't before including detaching, protecting myself, not self seeking in m, being honest about how I feel and the rage. With my alcohol recovery I didn't get the above as I was still using food. Fa for me offers such good emotional development via close daily support from others.
I view my m now as an unwell women and have a degree of compassion for her and her life whilst still keeping nc. I actually feel now like I could handle seeing her and maintain strong boundaries to keep myself safe ( not a relationship though).
I don't hold my m responsible as much. She was /is mentally unwell.. I guess that come with healing..
12 step recovery doesn't give me everything and I have outside trauma support...