Issues with Over/Under Eating - Part 3

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear both programs helped you Boats We each have to choose what works for us and it sounds like you have made connections with others dealing with both issues and can now view your M as unwell.  The latter was a huge step for me although getting there was a bit different  than your journey.  In the end it's such an important realization to arrive at no matter the path.   

[Bach]

I've been doing very well for the past week with keeping my eating under control, not acting out by skipping meals or overeating, but today I'm wobbling and I fear that I'm going to go off on a binge.  I can tell by the way that nothing tastes good but I can't stop thinking about food, and I'm absolutely dying to go out and get some ice cream.  I'm even thinking that it might be prudent to just go eat some ice cream right now, instead of trying to hold it off and ending up torturing my stomach with what will end up being uncomfortable and unhealthy quantities of "healthy" foods.  I don't know, though.  Sometimes the binge is going to get me no matter what I do.  I'm not sure what to do and suddenly I'm losing all the composure I have so painstakingly maintained since high summer started.

[Blueberry]

Sending  Bach. Back when I went to 12 Steps group including an open meeting of AA (for people from other 12 step groups) I did think in terms of 24 hours and the knowledge that there was going to be a meeting on the evening of the day I wanted to eat would be enough to prevent me from bingeing. So you could try and see if it helps. Beyond the FA that Boatsetsailrose mentioned there's also OA, Overeaters Anon.

I am no longer helped by 12 Steps. Needs change during recovery.
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Sunflower78 explained stimming (physical moves done to calm oneself) to me on another thread, chewing gum is a type of stimming. I had some ideas on that that I want to write here.

It's interesting about chewing gum being a type of stimming! Maybe my over-eating is a type of stimming, at least partially? I don't chew gum, ever. I wasn't allowed as a child and somehow that taboo has stuck. I chewed (and ate) lots of other things though e.g. I sat in school sucking on, chewing and eating erasers, pencils, even pens. I don't do that anymore. I don't want to return to it or to move onto chewing gum instead, but might help me with a different approach to not eating? I can try it out, e.g. yawning or massaging my jaw or even doing some of my pre-singing exercises when I have the desire to eat. Pre-singing exercises help relax head including face and jaws. So think on that and try it out!! (I say to myself).

[Bach]

I'm scared that I'm going to eat some more tonight.  I ate some hoarded crunchy snacks earlier.  I managed to stop before I ate the whole bag, so it wasn't a disaster, but I also ate some nuts and some dark chocolate.  I should be okay and not have it affect my sleep if I don't eat anything else tonight, but if I eat any more tonight it will cause me problems tomorrow even if I sleep okay. 

Earlier this evening, I came back to this thread and read some of it.  I experimented with what Blueberry was saying about stimming, but after a few minutes I panicked and got the snack.  Which, ironically enough, probably means that it has the potential to help and that I might want to try it again at another time.  For right now, writing this is calming the fear somewhat.  I might be okay. 

There are so many things I wish I could write about.  So many things I've been thinking and learning as I put the puzzle together.  It's so hard, though.  I guess I'm trying to make food my substitute problem so I don't have to try to go any further into this unfamiliar territory of coping methods that might actually heal me rather than perpetuate my damage.  One of the things I most want to write about is where all these maladaptive food behaviours came from, but of course, that's also going to be one of the hardest.  Not now.  Not now.  I don't have to do that OR eat any more tonight.

[Blueberry]

  I ate some hoarded crunchy snacks earlier.  I managed to stop before I ate the whole bag

You stopped before eating whole bag!

  One of the things I most want to write about is where all these maladaptive food behaviours came from...Not now.  Not now.  I don't have to do that OR eat any more tonight.

Yes, exactly.  on seeing at least 3 possible solutions for that moment. Trying to do too much at one go can be pretty triggering. Giving oneself a break before moving onto more explorations of why/where can be useful, necessary even.

[Kizzie]

I experimented with what Blueberry was saying about stimming, but after a few minutes I panicked and got the snack.

This is exactly the feeling I have Bach - panic (and also defiance if I'm being honest). I can eat healthy all day without much issue and then in the evening it's like a different part of me rises up/takes over. It's a trauma response I know - scared, lonely kid getting comfort the only way she knew how - sneaking treats into her bedroom at night to sooth herself. 

I used to smoke and drink a lot (as an adult  ), but quit both so it's not a question of willpower. Why can't I manage my eating then?

I started on weight watchers with my H about 6 months ago and did fairly well until it was a few weeks before we flew out for my son's convocation and I knew I would see my NPD M.  The eating at night started again in spades and wham I am gaining weight back and then some. I am ashamed and frustrated and don't know what to do except go back to therapy and process the trauma that is fueling this.   

Anyway Bach your post encouraged me to post about something I've wanted to talk about but have been avoiding so tks    I hope this helps you to post about what drives your eating at some point when you're comfortable doing so. 

[Blueberry]

I experimented with what Blueberry was saying about stimming, but after a few minutes I panicked and got the snack.  Which, ironically enough, probably means that it has the potential to help and that I might want to try it again at another time.  For right now, writing this is calming the fear somewhat.  I might be okay. 

I think the bit I underlined is a few steps forward in its own right. ime healing isn't over in one big step e.g. eating problems over for ever after one realisation

fwiw I'm not sure that what I am doing is stimming. Another mbr pmmed me about stimming being something autistic people do to calm themselves but it's not recognised as a method among those who work with autistic people. In fact they try to reduce use of stimming by autistic people.  I'm certainly not autistic! When I move my body and stretch and so on, I'm acting on the impulses my body gives me. Sometimes I move very slowly because the impulses come slowly. I'm "drawing on the wisdom of my own body" to quote from here https://www.sensorimotorpsychotherapy.org/home/index.html and processing on some deep level while I'm about it. The book title "The Body Keeps the Score" is very apt. I'm not carrying out some repetitive movement to calm myself the way I do with my form of sh, and I'm not dissociating. In fact it's quite mindful.

I can do too much of this type of processing in one go and then I relapse, not always into eating though.

[Not Alone]

My eating is out of control. 

[Bach]

My eating is out of control. 

Oh, I'm sorry you're going through that, notalone.  I know how bad that feels. I'm currently fighting for control and am not quite losing but not quite winning either.

Gentle hugs 

[Tee]

  hugs to you both.  Take care to yourself the best you can and give yourself Grace!  It'll be ok.

[Blueberry]

My eating is pretty much out of control the past 24 hours. It often is when I'm doing my harder and more triggering line of professional work.

I have had a realisation or two and that is GOOD. One is: my eating disorder is getting worse. It is also no longer working as a crutch. It hasn't been for a couple of weeks or even months (?). What brought it home to me yesterday was that I picked out a number of less healthy food items and while paying for them noticed that I 'should have' bought x and y instead of z and q, but also realised if I had done that some parts of me would have missed the z and q when I got home and unpacked my shopping. I know about quantity not being enough to get me over a tough spot, but now it's type of food too.

Of course it's all only of short-term use, if at all. But when it gets to the point where it's not of any short-term use, then that's a pretty crucial sign of Time To Work on Finding Healthier Long-Term Solutions. For the moment that probably mostly involves attempting to feel before I even enter the grocery store, as my T suggested a while ago. I have tried a few times. Mostly I feel nothing, meaning I'm dissociated. T also suggested I could try and imagine what I could be feeling. That's easier because it feels less dangerous. There doesn't have to be a 'perfect answer' otherwise FOO will scorn and ridicule, or worse. Of course they're not actually around to do so, but I do know I have to break these tough things into baby steps. I've only just realised this aspect of FOO's scorn, criticism etc rn. 

It would probably feel safer to attempt to feel when I'm at home (either before going food shopping or just before starting to eat or while eating) rather than outside among other people, which is undoubtedly why I dissociate at grocery store. So look Blueberry, there are all those possibilities to stop or interrupt the food binge! I don't have so many possibilities with SH because there are no tools to buy or look for. But eating - oh, yes, there are a number of steps involved before getting my fix and I could stop at any of them. I have done so in the past, sometimes. So it is possible.

Another tool I could be using is the 12 Step 'Just for 24 hours' mantra. Or even 'just one hour'. I live in a place where there is no Sunday shopping so that was my excuse to rush off yesterday evening to buy some sweet stuff before it was 'too late'. Instead of giving myself time to attempt to feel into what was going on and maybe doing some EFT instead. As I have discovered a few times in therapy, I can sit with feelings or unhealthy impulses for a little while and just observe. They evolve quite quickly or just pass. They don't get worse and worse. The fact that I'm in the 'safe space' of my T's office where T would help me deal with any boomerangs from the past is undoubtedly a helping factor but it would be beneficial to practise more and more at home till it becomes second nature.

(Most other 12 Step program components no longer work for me, so please no suggestions about that. Thanks.)

[Tee]

Hugs you can do it! Baby steps!

[Kizzie]

   notalone, BB and Bach

I don't know quite what to do either BB but  I agree it's so "Time To Work on Finding Healthier Long-Term Solutions."

When I was dealing with quitting smoking and drinking I felt like I was in control, with eating I don't really (and that is scary frankly).  One thing I have noticed in listening to what is going on is a sense of  defiance as though my teen wants what she wants, consequences be dammed. As I mentioned in my other post I started noticing it more and more as it got closer to seeing my M at my S's convocation at the end of May. I was seeing/hearing her in my mind's eye being critical and judgemental in her covert but oh so clear way.  So, the same as you BB - a past of parental scorn and criticism.  My teen eating what she wants feels like she is 'flipping the bird' in part.   

Feeling what's happening is a step forward, and talking about it is another. It is how I have made progress in the past five years so onward as they say.  I will say that posting about this before led to that panicked feeling (like "Oh no my secret is out. Now I'll have to give up that comfort and I'm not sure I can deal with the loss), but I'm not feeling that right now  

[Tee]

Yeah for progress Kizzie

[Rainstorm11]

*****Trigger Warning eating disorders*****


I only recently realized my eating disorders were are related to trauma. I had talked to several others who also had anorexia then bulimia and later binge eating disorder. Now I tend to either miss meals and restrict or binge. I have over-ate most of my life.
I get triggered easily by doctors and people commenting on my weight. I feel various ways about my weight and one is acceptance. My therapist supposedly specialized in eating disorders although therapy and self-help haven't worked neither journaling et c.
I am trying to get better but don't care about my size. Other people impose their views. I try not to listen but get triggered.