Issues with Over/Under Eating - Part 3

[Tee]

Well for what it's worth and feel free to totally disregard.  But I just got done with a human disease class.  And one of the most interesting things I found in that class was the part on obesity, dieting and diabetes.  The thing I found interesting is the five points to a healthy life style not over drinking, not smoking, exercising, eating health, and good sleep. That a person doing all of these no matter their weight have about the same life expectancy.  And a person who is obese even doing one of these healthy life style choices is only slightly lower life expectancy to an average weight person not living a healthy life style. And from there the increasing healthy life style choices makes the life expectancy get closer and closer together no matter the weight.

The other thing they said is dieting doesn't work out body's have an internal thermostat that it tries to keep us within 10 to 15 pounds of.  So even if we diet and lose weight as soon as we stop that's why we put the weight back on homeostasis.

So give yourself a break. Make good choices when you can. That will go a long way.

[Rainstorm11]

Tee,

I understand what you are saying and appreciate your sharing what you learned. The good news is I have low cholesterol, not diabetes, a healthy heart...
I do understand being overweight has many effects on the body. I also want to say that over-eating, dieting et c. are not necessarily an eating disorder but that I am diagnosed with binge eating disorder as recognized psychologically.
It Is very complex. I appreciate the encouragement. I have a lot of therapeutic work to go through.
Being overweight also carries a lot of stigma and restricts activities at times. But, again it's complex, a recognized eating disorder. I don't want to binge. I need help to recover which I am seeking.

[Tee]

  one step at a time wanting to make a change and seeking help sounds like healthy life choices to me.  Give yourself some grace when when you slip and keep trying. We are here to help support you.

[Blueberry]

I am trying to get better but don't care about my size.

I am trying to get better but don't care about my size. Other people impose their views. I try not to listen but get triggered.

It actually took me a long time to begin to not care about my size. I cared much more before I was really overweight. I'm better healed emotionally now than I was then so that's the difference in my case. I agree with what you wrote to Tee, that being overweight carries a lot of stigma. I can't write any more atm but standing with you.

[Tee]

Please just disregard like I said to begin with I can delete it if you want was just trying say there is scientific backing that heathy life style is more important than weight, and that's more what we can affect.

[Bach]

I wish I could stop caring about my size.  I wanted to say that I don't care about it as much as I used to, but I'm not sure that's true.  I've accepted that whether I am bigger or smaller won't really make any difference in my life, that I am a perfectly acceptable size with regard to my physical health and visual appearance and that losing weight won't solve any of my problems.  I have worked hard and with some success to establish the ability to make food choices based on meaningful factors such as whether they will provide healthy nourishment for my body or self-affirming pleasure and satisfaction for my senses rather than whether they will "make me fat", but even so, I still want to lose weight.  I still get a thrill if my weight decreases, and still have a weight that I panic if I go above, and I still have some deep-seated inescapable notion that losing another X-number of pounds would somehow benefit me even though I can't for the life of me define how.  I can't seem to shake any of that.

[Kizzie]

So I decided since our house hasn't sold yet I will go back to the EMDR therapist who helped me shift out of being so triggered by Trump's NPD. I'm still doing well on that front and considering how consumed I was, the EMDR seems to have been the right approach.

I have some fears and beliefs about needing to eat at night that are stuck and maybe EMDR can help shift them to where adult me has more say/control versus the teen part.     The T is great, easy to talk to and I feel comfortable with her so it's a good fit. I'm a little apprehensive about residual anxiety like I had last time, but it did fade so I'm willing to deal with it if I end up being able to reduce the drive to overeat.

Unfortunately she can't see me until September but when I do go I'll post about how it goes here.

[Bach]

I wonder whether I could benefit from EMDR. I've only ever done traditional talk therapy.

[Blueberry]

You might Bach, but best check over here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=106.0 where there are discussions about EMDR so that the Eating Issues thread doesn't get derailed.

[Rainstorm11]

Tee,
No reason to do that at all.

Everyone,
I am sorry for our struggles. It's very hard. I have had EMDR before. I never knew it benefits eating disorders. That's great info. It took me near 30 years of my life before I felt ok in my body thin, medium or overweight. I Believed holding on to hatred of my body was fueling the disorders. So I decided to try and be ok no matter what.

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to pop in and say I'm not sure if EMDR does/will help with overeating, it's  something I want to try b/c it helped me with another trauma related issue I was really struggling with. I told the T what I was interested in working on this time and she didn't say anything about it not helping so I assume she has used it before to deal with eating issues or at least thinks it could be helpful.

I was stuck in reacting to Trump's NPD and now recognize I am stuck in overeating to sooth & comfort, both due to trauma so I'm hoping it can help me to shift out of that.  I'll know more once I try it and am happy to post once I get going much like I did when I was working on the whole Trump NPD reactivity issue. 

I think the point for those of us with CPTSD is to get at and process the trauma driving our behaviour using whatever therapeutic/self-help approach works (i.e., use therapy to alleviate the trauma to alleviate the behaviour).  In this case It's EMDR but there may be other approaches that work too 

[Blueberry]

I tried to look at my eating issues again today. I had a huge craving for a type of cheese I saw. My feeling is that if I had got the cheese, I would've eaten it all up at once instead of even putting it in the fridge. A bit later I got a small piece of another type of cheese and I haven't eaten that up but again it's kind of 'white-knuckled' abstinence.

When I tried to be mindful and tried to feel my emotions here, it's mostly a big blank. ...

I think I need some more help from my T on this.

Apparently I needed the healing retreat and - as usual - simply time.

I had a fairly healthy evening meal. Not just fairly healthy, my meal was tasty. It had different textures, flavours and colours to it. I was inspired by the food on the retreat. Because one thing I bought turned out slightly different from expected, I even talked to some unidentified Inners about it so they could see why I had chosen this particular item  in the shop. The Inners seemed to accept and understand.

When I got up to leave the table, I was hit with a craving for a flavoured and sweetened coffee I often drink after a meal. I went from thinking "Yes, why not?" to "How about tea instead?" to "What about getting my paper Journal, sitting down again and try to feel into this, as my T suggested." So I did that.

Who was craving? Why? What could function instead of the craving?
Who? drew a blank and I decided that it's not so important to know that atm.
Why? brought one partial answer: habit. But it was clear that is not the whole answer.
What could function? One of my therapy stuffed animals. In fact I got two and looked for a third one. (I used to regularly hold dialogues with my therapy stuffed animals. It was a bit as if they were/are holders of my Inner Wisdom and healthy impulses.)

So I had a separate dialogue with each and they didn't know Who and Why, but both knew what could function instead of the craving: Hold a dialogue with each of them! And one of them had the impulse to disappear under my chin, which I carried out. Thanks to lots of work on awareness with my outpatient T, I know not to attribute the suggestions of and impulses from my two stuffed animals to loneliness. Might be the first thing most people would think of, but it's not necessarily correct. I assume it's still too early for me and my healing journey to feel further into the responses or even glimpse the responses where I'm still drawing a blank. The right time will come though. 

It's like Kizzie wrote above: "... the point for those of us with CPTSD is to get at and process the trauma driving our behaviour using whatever therapeutic/self-help approach works." These are tools I haven't used for a long time.  I did use those two stuffed animals briefly in the retreat. I used to use them all the time in retreats and these days they get to go too, although I don't often resonate with them anymore. But this time I did, and now with my eating disorder too. 

[Jazzy]

Sounds like the retreat was helpful, that's awesome! Also sounds like you made a great meal, and enjoyed it. That's awesome too!

I always thought a sweet coffee after a good meal was a pretty common thing. I wouldn't have thought of any of this you went through. Its nice to hear you reconnected with your stuffed animals. Keep up the good work. Take care!

[Blueberry]

Thanks Jazzy

I didn't drink any sweet coffee at the retreat, though it was available. There too I first thought "Why not? Almost everybody else is drinking it!" But then I thought to myself that just because everybody else is, doesn't mean it's the right decision for me. Also it was one thing in the array of food and drink that I was willing to forego. I know from 2 inpatient stays years ago that fasting from a particular item or behaviour can bring up what the function of the item/behaviour is for yourself.

So it's just one item and I'm continuing with fasting from it at home. Today I put the sweetened coffee away: out of sight, out of mind. I have had cravings for it but I'm in the midst of deciding for the path of awareness, as I write this in fact. Although I don't know the function yet, I do know what I can do about it and about completely different behaviour: converse with my therapy stuffed animals. In fact I conversed with them this morning about reading before getting up or just get up and out of bed. So far leaving off the sweetened coffee has been mighty beneficial

[Not Alone]

conversing with your therapy stuffed animals----super creative!