A slight progress but still unsure whether this will bear fruit

[integrity]

Hello everyone
Sorry this is a bit waffly.
I haven't been around for a while. I recently started going to adult children of alcoholics meetings. I have been to one full one and one where only two of us rocked up and we had no key so we just chatted for ten minutes and left. But I think it's positive.
Anyhow, things seem to be coming up for me again recently and so I tried something today that was progress but not as much as I wanted. But still progress.

To explain, I have read a lot of times that what you can do to help trauma is imagine yourself back in the trauma but this time you respond to it in a way that is somehow empowering. I have even done something like it in therapy where somebody came and rescued me. But I have one really major trauma which I could never think of a way of being empowered in it. It was when my mum tried to commit suicide when I was a child, I and my siblings were all there. I ran away and then I don't remember anything else from that day. I go back there sometimes and it's easier than it used to be, but I've never really healed and I couldn't fathom the idea of little me doing anything in that situation that could have helped.
Anyway today I decided I needed to try again so I went back there. I tried to imagine myself walking back towards the car where she was doing it instead of running. I felt a lot of resistance towards this but I did it, and I imagined a good mother figure asking my mother what she was doing, telling me that my mother was going to go to the hospital to get some help from the psychologist and that I would be staying with her (the good mother figure) for a while. Then I imagined her holding me and telling me I was safe and that she wouldn't leave me.

I felt like this worked OK but my emotions definitely shut off a little bit when I did this, also my imagined scene went black when I went back to the car so I sort of just had to imagine it conceptually. Maybe I still can't quite face it, even in my imagination. I always have to run away.

But, at least today I tried and that is something.

Love to you all

[Kizzie]

So brave of you in the face of something that is just so painful and frightening Integrity. Honestly that's such progress imo and done with care and compassion for younger you.     

Cheers to you for the gains you have made    A little bit at a time is great self-care 

[Three Roses]

I agree, that's huge progress! Well done, you!

I have found the adult child meetings, literature, etc of great help and benefit. The concept of codependency was at least partially responsible for putting me on the road to healing, years ago. 👍

[integrity]

Thank you for the replies, Kizzie and Three Roses. I don't know why but it brought tears just to have your encouragement, support and understanding. It is good to be reassured that little steps are still steps!

Three Roses I'm glad you have found adult child meetings helpful! I'm hoping I will too

[Three Roses]

If you haven't read "Codependent No More" you should def free it a look. 👍

[Kizzie]

Glad we have been helpful Integrity     

Just wanted to mention that there are a number of books related to being an ACoA on our "Books" page here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/books-1/. 

[integrity]

oh, wow - thanks for the book recommendations and that link. there is so much there and it all looks amazing!

[LilyITV]

Integrity, that was such a moving account!  I can just imagine how healing it was to face that memory again.  It must be good to bring a bit of closure to such a painful memory. 

[milk]

Thank you for sharing your story with 'going back.' It was inspiring to read about you being where you are — and being ok with that. I am going through a similar growth spurt.