Maybe going inpatient for my eating disorder, deciding

[Dee]

Two weeks ago I was subtly threatened that if I continue to lose wight I need to go into the hospital.  So I did the okay, okay, I'll do better.  I think for a week I did.  Then I went back last week and the threats changed to a more supportive discussion.  I said I did better last week and she said she doesn't want it better for a week she wants better all the time.  She also said that the place I am currently being treated cannot give me what I need.  They don't treat eating disorders.  So I am considering it.

I think my real problem is drinking.  I have lost some weight, but I am not horribly underweight, slightly.  Yet, I drink usually close to a 4 glasses of wine in the evening.  I know I am drinking most of my calories.  If I stop drinking my weight would drop significantly.  Still, I don't feel thin enough to go.  I don't want to be the person that doesn't belong.  I know my weight isn't critical at all.  I am barely underweight, not alarmingly so.  I know I've lost weight this month but for a short two weeks I cut back on drinking and that was when it dropped.   

As I write this the decision seems clear.  But, I don't want to go, and if I do go I don't want to feel out of place.  I was in a trauma unit for two months early last year.  Going in and out of the hospital is no way to live, but neither is the way I am.  There is also a part of me that is mad.  I wish I didn't have these struggles.  I look at people who don't have these problems and I know the difference is trauma.  So I'm mad, mad because of what happened continues to impact my life.

[Blueberry]

I've been inpatient fairly often. There used to come a point when I realised I'd be better off in than out. Supporting you however you decide.

I understand your anger too.

[Three Roses]

Supporting you, whatever you decide. It's your life and your body.

You said,

I don't feel thin enough to go.  I don't want to be the person that doesn't belong. 

But it seems to me it's less of a number issue (weight) and more of a health issue. But then I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder so please forgive me if I'm off base.

[sanmagic7]

sweet dee,

if you want to chat, please pm me.  it sounds like there's more  going on here than meets the eye.  i'm with the rest, tho - i totally support whatever decision you make.  i also get your anger - i feel it, too.   sending love and a hug full of clarity to you.

[Kizzie]

Sending along my support for whatever you decide Dee     

[Deep Blue]

Sending my support as well Dee.   

[Dee]

Thanks everyone.

I am told the number is insignificant.  That is isn't about a number.  It is about being healthy and out of the prison.  The focus I have on the number is an indicator of the problem.  The idea that I think I am too big to go is also an indicator.

I think I have decided to go, at least for the moment (until I change my mind again).  I am totally approved right now, I could go tomorrow.  My insurance has approved it and the facility.  If I wait more than 14 days I have to do the approval all over again.  I don't think that it is a big deal though and I am not critical.  I have a friend that is suppose to be coming the 17th to the 28th.  I don't want to disappoint her.  I know money is tight and she bought plane tickets.  I am also suppose to see my son for 3 days at Christmas.

[radical]

Sending love, Dee.

[Dee]

I just wanted to give you an update.  I am going inpatient on the 5th.  It is a 45-60 day program.  I am hoping that this helps with long term change and success. 

[Blueberry]

All the best Dee!

[Deep Blue]

Take care Dee 

[Three Roses]

I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines. 

[Hope67]

Wishing you all the best, Dee. 
Hope 

[Dee]

Thank you all for the support and well wishes!

[sanmagic7]

with you all the way, dee.  love and hugs.