I'm Sorry

[bazou]

Haven't been here in a while. My marriage just imploded last week and we are now in the process of separating. We had an argument the other day. I got triggered and my rage just got out of control. I wrote this at 3am as I couldn't sleep and was so upset about what had happened.

I'M SORRY

Tonight I realized so many things.
My pain was excruciating. And yeah, i'm talking about my pain again,
Because it was the most agonizing thing
I had felt in a very long time.
Not because of the hurt you caused me,
But because for the first time,
I realized how much pain I've caused you.
Tonight,
As the anger and the words left my mouth and hit the air...
I wanted to take them back...
As I looked at our son on the couch
Knowing I had totally disregarded his presence
Before yelling words
I knew I would instantly regret...
When you took him and went upstairs...
There it was. So heavy on you as you walked away...
I could see it so clearly
As if you were carrying a mountain.
I've promised myself so many times
I would NEVER do this to anyone,
And yet, here it is.
I am so incredibly sorry...
I cannot express to you the shame, guilt and pain I feel
For hurting you so deeply...
This rage inside of me is one of my darkest demons
That I fight
Every. Single. Day.
When things get dark and cold, and I feel unsafe...
It comes out to play.
I watch it take over me, and I momentarily loose control...
Until yet again,
These words I will regret hit the air.
I am not proud of this, I carry so much shame inside of me.
I hate it, it makes me hate myself.
No... I am angry
At you Mom... you did this to me.
It is not who I am inside, my true self.
I want to scream it so loud.
It is just yet another
Parasite I still need to shed.
And I will. Oh I will.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

[Three Roses]

  I'm sorry your family is going through this. There is hope. Don't give up on yourself. We'll be here if you want to talk more. Please update us, I'll be watching for your post.

[Deep Blue]

I agree with Three Roses,
We are willing to listen if you can share.  Take care as best you can

[sanmagic7]

i'm here, too.  your words spoke volumes.  i'm sorry you're going thru this.  sending love and a gentle, caring hug.