Back to school?? No thanks.

[sam145]

Content warnings: School, failure, medication, someone else's suicide attempt, family issues, etc. Let me know of any others.



I went to college for 6 years. I had some good experiences and bad experiences, but mostly it just felt like the next logical step in my plan of life. I went to school til I was 18, I applied for colleges, I went to the one that accepted me, I showed up, and I tried not to screw it up.

I ended up screwing it up. Remember how I said I went for 6 years? It's not because I was going for a graduate degree. It's because I kept failing and having to retake classes. By my 5th year, I was VERY depressed and finally made myself go to the counseling department at my college. Talk therapy still didn't work for me, but I got prescribed antidepressants, which worked wonders. My energy was back up, and I was feeling better about myself. I was still struggling in school though. In the fall of my 6th year, I looked into psychiatric testing because I suspected I had ADHD and/or autism. I tested positive for both, and my entire life started to replay in my head, making sense of all my struggles, strengths, and surprises in life. Sometime in the middle of all of this, my dad started going through his second divorce and attempted suicide. I tried to be there for him, but I'd been dealing with my own suicidal thoughts for a long time and was pretty triggered by the whole thing. His ex-wife also decided to text me during this time to tell me what a horrible influence she thinks I am on her son. And then when my dad found a new girlfriend, the ex-wife tried to put words in my mouth for her own agenda.

Without untangling all the reasons this messed me up, I'll just say that it REALLY messed me up. I got caught in the middle of family drama that I had no interest in, and I was trying to work on myself with all this new information about how my brain works. (Also, American politics in 2016. Enough said.) I didn't have the time or energy for school. I just... 

I got VERY close to graduation. But I failed basically everything I was taking in the spring of 2017. I was so burnt out and felt like I was already failing horribly because of how long it took me to get this close to graduation. I was also realizing that I had never learned how to actually learn things in a classroom setting. I had just done my best to remember information quickly, do what I was told, and not get in trouble. I was a people pleaser, and when I stopped being able to please people with my academic achievements (around middle school or high school?) I stopped being motivated to even try, and I struggled to get passing grades. So I didn't graduate, and I didn't go back in the fall.

In the past year and a half, I've tried to pick myself back up and figure out "Where do I go from here?". I haven't answered that question yet, but I got an email from my college yesterday asking the same thing. They linked me to a page on ReUp Education's site with a few boxes to fill out. I felt somewhat at ease seeing the options that reflected my uncertainty about the whole situation. "I'm not sure when or if I wish to return", "Unknown academic standing", etc. But there's one box where I have to write my own answer rather than picking a pre-made option:

"Tell us a little about what caused you to leave school and why you're interesting in returning."

Man that's a loaded question. I can't even say for sure why I left. Because my family was constantly putting too much pressure on me? Because I was just racking up more debt and failing harder every year? Because I just couldn't handle everything life threw at me in 2016 on top of all the underlying issues I had? Because I never really wanted to go in the first place but I didn't have any other options?? And DO I want to return?? Probably not, but it feels like the responsible thing to do?

So yeah basically I read that question and tried to answer it and had a breakdown instead and ended up writing about the whole thing here because I'm a mess just thinking about it. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice here, but it feels good to at least let it all out.

[Boy22]

It feels good to at least let it all out.

Yes, here is a good place to do that. And that change in your feelings can give a new view on what is troubling you.

[Three Roses]

Hi Sam, nice to see you here again! 

[sanmagic7]

 

hope you find a perspective that clears things up for you.  thanks for sharing.

[sam145]

Thanks for reading and replying, everyone. It's always good to know I'm not alone. 

[LilyITV]

  Seeking help and support is a huge first step to figuring things out and getting your life on track.