Compassion fatigue

[Rainagain]

Something I have noticed over the years, and again today.

Friends aren't really interested in my psychiatric problems.

When people ask how you are doing its not a question, its just mouth noise.

I know this, but still get caught out by taking  it as an actual enquiry.

Oh well

[radical]

It might be compassion fatigue.

Something that really struck me when I was disabled and in pain waiting for surgery, was how kind people were.  I don't think I received so many warm smiles from strangers in all the previous years put together.  People offered to help, though I seldom needed any. At first I was confused, but kindness came to feel normal.

I think this is a natural human response  at its best, to seeing another in pain and struggling.  I can't describe how warm those gestures of acknowledgment, inclusion, and caring, made me feel.  I suggested to my T that maybe the best thing we could do for people who are in psychological pain would be to issue them with a stick.  (I don't know if they'd need to adopt a strange  crab-like walk to go with it). Maybe it would mean that the distress that showed in their faces and bodies would be interpreted by others in a way that made it seem understandable and safe to respond to.

[Libby183]

I can't speak for friends - I have never had any friends with compassion!  But I think that my husband has reached the point of compassion fatigue.  It seems to be a choice of pretending to be OK and not being true to myself,  or saying I'm not OK and alienating him, which means... Silence! Not much of a choice overall.

[Rainagain]

Radical

Your idea of carrying a stick made me smile.

I look tense and possibly dangerous most of the time, add a stick and good lord, people would avoid me even more than they do now.

Libby, its hard to fake well being. But if that's what it takes to get along then so be it. Maybe that's what therapy is for, if you want compassion and understanding you have to pay.

I don't really worry about the lack of understanding of others, I just wish I could remember that 'how are you'? Is not an actual question.

[Blueberry]

I look tense and possibly dangerous most of the time, add a stick and good lord, people would avoid me even more than they do now.

How about a friendly looking stick?    Certain images do make people smile automatically. Like dogs wagging their tails.

I think most people here on OOTS care, though there might be cases of compassion fatigue here too. So that's something, even if we're not around in your daily life.

[Laura90]

Hi Rainagain, I can relate to this. I used to have a best friend who would open up the conversation with 'how are you' but thereafter would go on a vent about her problems which I would always listen to, but in fairness were smaller compared to my life of struggle. In the end I actually reflected on what I get out of the friendship and do i see her as a friend? I realised i didn't, I started to not being honest, I didn't like her judgements etc. So in the end I stopped contact. It felt very empowering despite the early phase I had a lot of guilt and self hate.

Would having time to just to think what you value in friends and whether your friends are that, be helpful?

I know it's difficult though. I only really have 1 friend I genuine with, and 2 others i see, so understand its difficukt when trying to avoid isolation.

Do you find mentalising helpful? When you really want what how are you question to be felt, mentalise it from someone who has meaning to you? I'm going to reveal my geekiness and I mentalise Dumbledore from Harry Potter!!

Take care, we are all here.

[woodsgnome]

I often make it a point not to go along with the social convention of rushing by the 'how are you' sorts of robotic greetings. I have an outlier sense of humour, I guess, and like to throw an unusual twist into ho-hum everyday small talk (keep in mind I have an extremely limited social life). Reactions range from surprise to shock, but it's just my way of noting that in conversation it's actually okay to really converse. If it seems different to some -- it is.

Following my yen for individual quirks, I'm handicapped and need to walk with a 'stick'. One spring after breaking yet another snow shovel blade, I kept the top handle and wooden shaft and adapted it as my walking cane. To my surprise, it became an instant conversation piece. I'm already a strange bird, I suppose, but people seem to like it when they see practical creativity.

Circling back to the 'how are you' nicety, I know of someone who runs a podcast known as Terrible, Thanks for Asking. It came about after both her husband and father died within a short time span, among other extreme events in her life. And of course those sorts of 'how are you' greetings irritated her. The podcast itself has grown to include a wide variety of topics (grief, rage, anger, general mental health, etc.), including that other necessary part of true compassion -- humour.




   

[Rainagain]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Terrible,thanks for asking - is pretty epic.

I'm getting a stick, and trying bartitsu.