Overspending

[LilyITV]

It seems there is a link between overspending and trauma.  I have huge issues with overspending that I am just starting to tackle.   The whole issue of money and finances seems to bring on huge EFs. 

What is it with overspending?  Is it a form of dissociation?  Has anyone successfully overcome it? 

[Ellis]

Hey Lily,

I think I have the same issue. The only reasoning for it I can think of is that I'm trying to make up for all the years where I didn't have anything, didn't have money, didn't have food. And now that I have money, I can't stop buying things. If I want it, I get it. And it's gotten me into strife a few times. It just feels so good to finally have... Things.
Unfortunately I don't have much advice to give as I too am trying to fix this issue. But you're not alone.

Regards,
Ellis.

[LilyITV]

Maybe it is just as simple as that because it's how I feel too.  I love being able to have what I want when I want.  It feels good in that moment even if it means problems later on.

[LilyITV]

I called a non-profit debt counseling service.  They have counselors there and talked with me in-depth about my troubles and how I ended up in the situation I'm in.  I feel not quite as alone now, because the counselors seemed to really understand the fears and negative thinking that go into overspending and lack of budgeting.

I think for me my overspending is definitely linked to my childhood.  My parents were always just scraping by and so whenever we'd get something, my father stressed that we always have to get the absolute cheapest thing possible.  I felt I couldn't ask for stuff ever because I knew the answer would be no and my father would make me bad for even asking. 

I think in some ways I am stuck emotionally as that child, but now I have money.  Everything was always dictated to me and I never learned how to control my money.  So I am mentally a child who now has a lot of money and never has been taught how to be disciplined with it, or to learn that I can have the things I want if I plan for them in the right ways.   

The financial plan we worked out with the agency is mindblowing to me.  We figured out that I have more than enough to meet my financial needs and to save money and to have a decent amount to blow just on me.  In my mind, I am struggling and scraping by and one disaster away from getting my house foreclosed on, but the reality is so much different.  It's weird to me because even though I don't suffer from hallucinations or anything, my grip on reality seems to be rather tenuous. 

[Ellis]

I think for me my overspending is definitely linked to my childhood.  My parents were always just scraping by and so whenever we'd get something, my father stressed that we always have to get the absolute cheapest thing possible.  I felt I couldn't ask for stuff ever because I knew the answer would be no and my father would make me bad for even asking. 

I think in some ways I am stuck emotionally as that child, but now I have money.  Everything was always dictated to me and I never learned how to control my money.  So I am mentally a child who now has a lot of money and never has been taught how to be disciplined with it, or to learn that I can have the things I want if I plan for them in the right ways.   

Hey Lily,

You took the words right out of my mouth with these paragraphs. Though my parents had a habit of splurging on things for their own use like buying a huge TV even though I barely had any food to eat. So now that I'm on my own I'm doing my own sort of splurging. And whilst it feels good at the time, it's just leading to financial problems and it becomes quite stressful!

But I'm really glad to hear that you've got some wonderful advice from that agency. I really commend you for your strength and motivation to reach out! I hope this will help you and your finances for the future to come.

Regards,
Ellis.

[sanmagic7]

hi,

if i might weigh in here, often times doing something to excess, no matter what it is, is exactly what the two of you are talking about - trying to fill an unfillable hole that came out of childhood experiences.  it can also include distracting oneself from the pain connected to that hole.

therapy can help.  so can re-parenting that inner child to be able to grow and see money/finances realistically.  i think seeing that financial counselor was a great step to that end.  you're learning an adult way to see your money/finances and how it fits in realistically with your life, bills, etc.

well done.  a great step to healing, and filling that hole with a realistic look at money and spending, which is what you've been lacking.  it might take time, but i believe you're absolutely on the right track.  sending love and hugs.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi lily for me  overspending was an addiction and so like any addiction i was using it to avoid feelings, avoid feeling lonely and a way to feel i was getting something good and connected.
Thing is it was always temporary and so the drive would continue . it was really never about that things i would buy as the shine would wear off quick.
I went to a 12 step fellowship and i haven't accrued any debt since . my spending is so manageable today .
For me its more about buying something because i need it or i know what i have for a treat and can keep it in the boundaries. 12 step programmes deal with the reasons underneath the addiction as well as practical suggestions

[Boatsetsailrose]

Oh and i started to have savings for the first time in my life aged 40 !

[LilyITV]

sanmagic, that is exactly what it feels like, filling an unfillable hole.  When I spend money, even on stuff that is not really a splurge, I feel powerful and in control.  Sometimes I get a charge out of things as trivial as buying a brand-name cereal instead of generic even though I can't tell the difference between the two.  It's really sad now that I'm having to face reality that my habits have now put me in a position where I have less power over what I can do with my money.  So I'm trying to focus on the fact that budgeting, saving, and living within my means are ways that I can truly be in control.  Making financially responsible decisions will give me the financial security I want and the ability to get more of everything.  I look at other who can go on fancy vacations or you have a large savings account and I want to be one of those people. 

Boatsetsailrose, I am so happy to read that you overcame your addiction.  I am 44, so sometimes I think, gosh, I have spent my whole life managing money this way, can I really change at this point??  I didn't realize there were 12 step programs for overspending.  I guess being in a situation where all my credit cards are maxed out is rock bottom for me. 

I'm just starting out and it's really scary for me.  I've been working hard to control my tendency to catastrophize everything and have been repeating my affirmations over and over.  I've been waking up feeling very anxious, but so far I've been able to get it under control by the time I get to work.  Then I feel good and feel anxious at bedtime.  The first three months of my debt management plan my budget is very, very tight with no room for error.  If I can make it eight months, I should be able to breathe.   I keep trying to remember things are not always going to be like this.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Debtors Anonymous | Meetings, Support Groups, & Programs
https://debtorsanonymous.org

[Boatsetsailrose]

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://www.spenders.org/abstinence.html&ved=2ahUKEwjmhLm34Y7fAhWKzaQKHTruBroQFjAGegQIBhAB&usg=AOvVaw0S8Opi0OzsM-n9sfeL_9qx

[LilyITV]

Thanks so much for that info Boatsetsailrose!  I read through the 12 steps and there were so many I need to repeat to myself.  The one, "I need to open my bills every day" in particular stands out to me because I had gotten into the habit of not checking my balances or opening my bills in the mail.  It's embarrassing because I never knew I was close to the limit on most of my cards until they were declined.  Another embarassment is that I have racked up over $3000 in "courtesy pay" fees from my bank in the past year because I couldn't bring myself to check my balances.

I wonder if there is an online group.  The Dave Ramsey type sites are not helpful for me because they seem filled with judgmental people who make me feel so ashamed.   

I'm thinking back to the feelings I feel when I spend, and I'm realizing there is just a void.  Not even emptiness.  I guess this is part of me dissociating my way through life. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi lily
Yes Skype and phone meetings here is the link
https://debtorsanonymous.org/getting_started/index.php/find/phone_meeting

I use phone meetings for another fellowship (as a women can only do so many live recoveries .
I find them v good and have gotten phone contacts to call when struggling and a sponsor can be found this way too .
Not sure what country u are in ? I'm UK and so use keep calling. Com for overseas and its v reasonable ..
If u have any questions re accessing just pm me if u would like

[LilyITV]

Those phone meetings are awesome and there are so many!  As I get more financially healthy, I am really going to need some help staying accountable.  I went to the store to get some Christmas ornaments and had limited myself to $25.  It was soooo hard for me to resist making other purchases.  If I had had my credit cards, I probably would have spent well over $100 and on junk I really would not have needed or even used.  I really need to move to a cash only basis for shopping trips.   

[Boatsetsailrose]

That's great u finding the phone meetings good lily ...
Something that helped me was the suggestion of carrying a notebook around and writing down all spends inc cards . at the end of the day looking over it ...
It really helped me