Letter to my Parts

[Hope67]

Letter to My Parts 14th November 2018

Dear Parts,

I have started to re-read the book entitled 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' - and I was able to read Chapter 1 again today – and one of you was wailing and distraught at several times during my reading of that Chapter – and some of you weren't happy at the thought that I would be trying to  summarise my reflections on this Chapter in the Forum – so much so that when I tried to start a new Topic – you said things like
You can't do that – there's already a section – an earlier edition of the book – who do you think you are?  You can't do that.  Who cares what you write anyway.  You can't do it.  You'll mess it up.  Don't do it.

I got flashbacks too – to the time when I woke in the night to find I had completely shredded a nightie – and honestly, if I had tried to do that – in daylight and with immense strength, I don't think I could have done it.  Literally that nightie was shredded – and would have taken immense force to do that.  How did I do that? 

Which part of you did that in the night?  Why do you remind me of that flashback now?  Are you trying to tell me that I shouldn't poke around in my memories and feelings and thoughts – allow the part of you that is constantly rubbing out my memories to continue?  I appreciate that you are trying to protect me, but I honestly think I can cope with things – I have been strong – I have got through many things – both in childhood and during adult life too. 

I worked for decades in a very stressful job – I managed to cope – even though there were times when I had to take anti-depressants and I had to take some time off work too – to recover – to try to keep going. 

I realise that I ended up taking on too many difficult issues – and I ended up trying to sort other professionals issues out – and that just took too much energy – I know I've avoided talking about my work and my working life – because I feel immense shame for the fact I couldn't keep going in the end, and my work ethic was extinguished, along with my ability to work. 

Then I was left with coming to terms with feelings that I recognised from past times – I realise that parts of me are frozen, at different ages – and I realise some things that were going on around those times – thanks to having contacted my sister and also done some detailed searching in various places and sources to get information – I feel like I was a detective of sorts – and gradually I've been piecing things together, and fragments are able to be positioned in some kind of order – whereas before they were more free-floating and disordered.  There's been a gradual re-processing of sorts – but I'm not sure at what level, and to what depth.

I've read so many self-help books over the years – and more recently found an affiliation with the concept of dissociation and wounded/fragmented parts – it sits comfortably at some levels – and at others it is deeply disturbing.  But I realise that's the conflict between parts – and that does make sense. 

As I've read each book, I've also felt 'attached' to the writers' - especially to Janina Fisher – her book was so amazing.  Many of her words and suggestions have stuck in my mind – and I have been trying to attend to every communication from inner parts – and I was trying to do regular Meditation groups – but then my focus slipped and I was distracted by tasks in current life – but I see from the 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' book (by Steele, Boon & Van der Hart) that they advocate continuing with real-life tasks – as a central thing. 
I felt quite over-whelmed at times, and still do – I recognise that I seem to have a tendency to 'read about' things and then somehow avoid doing the experiential side of things – so that means I am kept in an intellectual kind of processing and not in the 'feeling' side of things.  I need to feel things – I need to experience things, and I need to go out of my comfort zone to do that – I think so.

If I was to think of a word to describe how I feel currently – I would choose the word 'frozen' - because I feel stuck or frozen in time – it's like I have things I'd like to achieve and do, but there is a great sense that I might fail, that I can't do those things – and that I am incapable of doing them. 

This is not based on evidence, as I know that I can do things, if I apply myself – I have been successful in things I've wanted to do in the past, and I've been high achieving in terms of my professional life and career.  But now – I am no longer working, and I feel frozen in a limbo.

I'm going to thaw myself out – and break free to experience some things.  I just need to work out how to do it. 

Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi hope, I can totally sympathise with you and I too feel frozen sometimes especially when those horrible flashbacks re surface, I literally feel my body freeze and my brain telling me that I've imagined certain things or just made it up (I believe that regularly) but I think because I'm so disassociated from myself that when I do remember it's as if I'm watching someone else. I too have spent years reading self help books and can totally relate to most of what is being said in them. They are helpful but again I feel like I read too much into things then I put myself in the situations and make myself feel worse. The nhs are strongly recommending Cbt for ptsd now, I've just had a course with them and have to say I didn't find it helpful at all, but I do like nlp which is more about changing the things we say and accepting how we feel, I never like to 'feel' and this has been a big problem for me all my life but again I think disassociation is the reason why again! I too don't work because of the cptsd but it has left me feeling like I don't really have a purpose and I'm stuck in time.. frustrating to say the least, but I really understand what you're saying and how you're feeling.

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue - thank you so much for your reply - I appreciate it so much.  I read it before I went to sleep last night, and you know, it really helped to know that someone understands these feelings.  You know, I am surprised to hear that the NHS are strongly recommending CBT for PTSD now - my T that I saw for a while did use some of those techniques, and gave me some work sheets to use - and I have to say, that I didn't find them all that helpful. 

I very much hope that we can move this on - in terms of finding a purpose and moving through time - I do think there are ways forward - and I'm glad that you find NLP helpful - I haven't really read much about that, but it sounds a bit like Acceptance & Commitment therapy - in terms of focusing on the feelings and not distracting from them.  I don't know that much about that therapy either, I'm just going by what I read yesterday in my Dissociation book - it was mentioned there.

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much!  I appreciate your lovely reply.   

Hope