From wonderful self drive to self doubt

[Laura90]

Hi,

So I've had particularly rough couple of weeks. But I have reflected, pushed and tried different things to see what helps with my the emotions, depression, dissociation. And I felt a real great driving force of knowing my self and what I want to do.

I signed up to a personal trainer which starts tomorrow because exercise is the only thing which helps me get back in my body and helps my mood. And I thought having structure and schedule would help with poor motivation. I thought about going to uni again too, my last two attempts I got ill and ended up in psychiatric hospital.

At the weekend it felt different, I felt stronger. At a place to do these things again.

But now coming away from a psychotherapy appointment I feel crippled by self doubt. Thinking to myself; get real Laura, there will be so many triggers. Too much overload for the brain. You're kidding yourself and not accepting your limitations.

I feel like I want to cancel the PT ing even though I've paid upfront. I don't know who I am sitting writing this or what my motives are for the stuff I do. I feel so awfully broken and lost eight now.

I don't know what part of me to trust. My determination, my doubt, my tears, my history and heightened trigger responses.

Who am I?

What do you guys do when you're in such an emotional crossroads?

[Wattlebird]

Hi Laura, I'm sorry your having a bad time, I'm not sure of any sure fire method to overrule those critical voices but if you've paid upfront I would tell myself just to go once and give it a go, if it doesn't work out at least you gave it a chance, now the hard part is silence those negative voices, good luck, I hate that horrid feeling of being pulled in different directions not knowing which way to turn.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're going thru such a tough time right now. I don't have any insight for you but I just wanted you to know that you've been heard. Here's a safe and gentle if you want it.

[LilyITV]

I am new to this, but the big thing for me is to recognize that I'm in an emotional flashback.  Then I go back and reread Pete Walker's tips for handling them.

Although I know you feel really bad and hopeless right now, it seems like you have already taken a lot of good steps to riding out this flashback.  You have identified how you are feeling and you have reached out for help.  Once this flashback passes, what's left is going to be your determination and all the hard work you've done to overcome your trauma.  The idea to schedule a physical therapy appointment was a really good one too. 

It seems that you're looking at yourself as a really lost and broken person, but I see someone who is fighting and making a lot of progress. 

I hope you start feeling better and more empowered soon!!   

[Blueberry]

Hi Laura,

Therapy does us good, no question, but therapy appointments can send us reeling, so basically into an EF for a day or two or even longer. That may be where your self-doubt is coming from. Inner Critic on the rampage.

Before your T appointment, when you signed up for the PT some part of you knew it would be a good thing for you. That part of you is probably still correct. Maybe you can contact that part of you in some way?

I know what you're describing, or similar anyway. I have these plans and take some huge step and then pull the brakes on hard, rinse and repeat. I try and think of the simplest step I can take to put me on the road to following through with the plans anyway.

However you decide, whatever you manage tomorrow, I'm standing by you. I often don't manage to follow through. I'm getting better at forgiving myself for this and simply accepting it as the best I could do. Safe  if that helps you too.

[Laura90]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.

Being in an emotional flashback, wow I had never considered that.

Blueberry, I'm very similar, I often duck out of things last minute through fear when planning it, I feel fairly confident and determined. but I think the most important thing is to be easy on ourselves. That should come first before planning again how to tackle a certain aim.

Thanks again everyone