Realizing I'm Angry **TW-PA**

[Phoebes]

I've been a bit too rambly here, so I'll try to be brief. This kept me awake most of the night so maybe a quick write will move it along..

So, yes, we had a physically abusive childhood, of course with a blend of emotional and verbal to solidify the ideas of control. My GC younger brother claims he doesn't remember anything at all.  And semi-scoldingly mentions often how I remember "too much" and he's "glad he doesn't." So he WANTS to stay in denial.

So when he had kids he decided to read a book on parenting. The one he read and went with was one that advises using a kitchen utensil to "spank" all of the "bad" behavior out of the kids. Multiple times a day he would take his very young child aside and whack him twice with the utensil, or would pull down his pants and whack him a few times on the leg. I URGED him not to use this method and he said I didn't have my own kids and that the book says if you don't immediately correct it will not stick. I said maybe not but I know what getting hit with objects did to me in the short and long run. He said yeah but that was different. This was methodical so the kid would associate the utensil with the pain and therefore the behavior, and would not think it was the parent doing it.  I was so triggered and so upset by this. CPS was called regarding a sexual allegation, and the police said without proof nothing could be done. (Is this even true?) Of course the child did not say anything.

Well, finally a FRIEND noticed about the spanking and said something, and the utensil constant spanking stopped. In fact, any form of correction, teaching or discipline stopped. Fast forward several years and another kid (who was also spanked) and we have two highly narcissistic, outbursting, tantrum throwing, demanding, highly manipulative, no boundary or respect having kids with all sorts of issues obviously. Was it the early spanking? Is the lack of boundaries of the parents, the divorce, the neuroses and OCD by the mom, the constant scaredy-cat attitude toward life?

Who knows, but after trying to spend a weekend with the kids, I feel very angry. These kids should have been happy relaxed kids, and now I feel they were ruined by people who "want" to remain in denial. And I feel horrible I didn't just call the police instead of try to talk them out of the book myself. Honestly at the time I didn't know what I know now, but I knew enough to feel it was very wrong. I almost feel like it was a deflection from the other types of abuse going on.

[Boy22]

I'm not quite clear who you are angry with Phoebes?

I suspect it is your harsh inner critic chastising you and making you feel angry at yourself. Trust me, you've already beaten yourself up enough.

Getting angry with the other adults wont be productive.

I have a similar family in my extended family and I just feel sad about and sorry for the children. These ones were getting some help until the mothers misplaced mistrust saw her cut them off from this.

[Blueberry]

I'd be really angry too, Phoebes. It sounds somewhat familiar too. My siblings are both pretty much in denial. The CPA in our FOO wasn't as violent as what you're describing, but it was there. One of my siblings used to fly off the handle towards one of his children, idk if he still does. I was told in no uncertain terms to mind my own business when trying to warn my siblings about our M and the damage she wrought on me. Siblings just do not want to know. And yeah, I remember "too much" as well. It's also time to "grow up and put the past behind (me)". Also the siblings will protect their own children far better than I ever could. (Only if their parents are not in denial about what M does). Sad as it is, there's often very little we can do to try and protect younger FOO children from what we know is abuse.

I hope that it has helped you a bit to write this here, Phoebes. 

[Phoebes]

Thanks you guys. I guess it has. The thing is, if a student at school says they are being whacked with a utensil on the daily, I would be obligated to report to CPS.

Boy, I'm angry that my GCb ruined the kids. It just wasn't necessary. It was redneck and uneducated to not learn from our own experience. These kids are beautiful, loving, smart kids who now have every neuroses in the book.

And I'm mad that by healing and realizing things and trying, I'm the outcast person in the family.

[Blueberry]

I understand and empathise with your anger here too. Just validating, I know I can't otherwise help.

[Boy22]

Thanks you guys. I guess it has. The thing is, if a student at school says they are being whacked with a utensil on the daily, I would be obligated to report to CPS.

Boy, I'm angry that my GCb ruined the kids. It just wasn't necessary. It was redneck and uneducated to not learn from our own experience. These kids are beautiful, loving, smart kids who now have every neuroses in the book.

And I'm mad that by healing and realizing things and trying, I'm the outcast person in the family.

Good reasons to be angry.

[Phoebes]

Thank you blueberry and boy, for listening..it really DOES help..I know I can't fix this, so I'm going to try to take deep breaths and just enjoy the time I can spend with them. I've been through these times of unrest about this, and I guess when I spend time and see the behaviors escalating, I get frustrated..