Self employment with fragile mental health.

[thetruth]

Super post Rainagain. It means an awful lot to me, every bit as much as Libby's in the other thread (under 'Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication').

At this point I would just like to once again thank K for the existence of this forum. The support and validation available within these pages from many other users, like yourself Rainagain, is of immeasurable value. It is without doubt hugely informing, and therefore restorative, to those in unprecedented psychological trouble.

When your closest friends and family, not to mention your life long GP, refuse to employ the necessary energy to listen to and comprehend your predicament, that is a pretty defeated place to find yourself. If it wasnt for this forum and the way it has allowed me to connect with other down trodden people, Im not sure how I would have coped with the pain manifesting in my mind.

Thanks to everyone. More on your post later Rainagain.

[thetruth]

I'm so sorry you went thru that. 

Here's another quote I happened across recently (I love quotes! They help me see things in new ways) -

Some things you must always be unable to bear. Some things you must never stop refusing to bear. Injustice and outrage and dishonor and shame. No matter how young you are or how old you have got. Not for kudos and not for cash: your picture in the paper nor money in the back either. Just refuse to bear them. —William Faulkner, Intruder in the Dust

Hi Three Roses,

Thanks for posting this quote. It helps me be clear on the fact that I did the right thing in standing up for myself before my abusive boss found his extra gears of abusiveness, which ultimately resulted in trauma.

Something has become pretty clear to me after helpful posts from other site users in recent days.

My abusive boss believed that I was fair game for his most unacceptable oppression because he knew I was someone who had issues with depression. As far as he was concerned this meant he could be as ignorant as he liked with me and that would be acceptable. This was low intelligence, mental health discrimination in its purest form.

When I protested I was revenged in ways so varied, complex and devious that the stress caused became traumatising.

After 4.5 years of a descent into mental ill health as a direct product of this discrimination, my own life long GP used the fact that I was a person who had a history of depressive episodes as sufficient reason to disregard all suggestions by me that I had been harassed or treated unfairly in my place of work.

This too was mental health discrimination in its purest form, executed by a respected NHS GP whom I invited into the situation in a desperate hope for a fair outcome to my experience of workplace harassment . He shafted me for fear that I might expect him to vouch for me in a legal battle. I only wanted him to tell the truth about my stress so that I would be protected from an imminent unfair dismissal.

This development plunged me from one level of trauma to a deeper level. I believe that what I have been living for the past 8 years or so bears a very close resemblance to the causes and the effects of Cptsd.

It has just dawned on me these last couple of days that behind the bullying in the first place, and then the disgusting betrayal by a healthcare professional, was discrimination because I had had mental health issues in the past.

Many times after the horrors of the abuse and the redundancy I have thought that my doctor knew full well that he could do and say whatever he wanted in relation to my situation because even if I had killed myself over this, he could maintain a clear conscience by saying my depression finally got the better of me. He always had that to keep him right.

Three Roses, discrimination is behind all of my trouble and I tried to not bear it at the time, but I didnt have the power that others had and in the end that was the difference. Discrimination and abuse of power to misrepresent that discrimination as over sensitivity on my part.

You know, even my closest family members have opted for the 'over sensitivity on my part' option because it means they can excuse the deeds of my employer and my doctor as being above board. People like convenience. People do not like complicated stuff and they will often choose the easy way to explain something away if there is an easy way available to use. I had 4.5 years of records of unfair treatment in the workplace, dates and quotes. My mother shredded it behind my back because she didnt like the conflict and she thought destroying the evidence would help magic it all away. This is what you are up against. The whole thing is so ugly that people close to you will go to bizarre lengths to wish it away.

[Rainagain]

I think you have gotten things in the correct setting, that sounds very like my experience, its how I have seen people behave.

My employer was a national outfit, but managers basically rallied round to put me in my place and support each other.

There were some who knew better, but they were in the minority so stayed silent.

My naivety was based around having too much trust in them. I believed they would do their job, as I had done mine.

But they seized a chance to ruin me instead. Very hard to accept that people would basically veer right off the road to deliberately run me down, but that is what they chose to do, because I was vulnerable and they thought I couldn't hurt them back whatever they did.

My case is now lodged with court, I have such great evidence, they didn't even bother to be careful or conceal what they were doing. I think they wanted to be pretty obvious so I would suffer more.

And they were pretty stupid people, I know that in their world they had all the power so didn't consider I could take them to court where my barrister is as good as theirs.

I warned them at the time but they ignored that, like everything else I said.

Another thing I don't understand is taking an opportunity to do wrong just because you believe you can do wrong without punishment, what sort of person does that? How can a group of people unite to do that? That's the evil I have to accept and come to terms with.

But I'm getting there, it can be done, I hope.

[thetruth]

"To get unstuck you need some sort of input, only having an internal feedback loop doesn't seem to lead anywhere but down.

He mentions naïveté too, I was naïve, I wasn't strong enough when my troubles began and this led to all sorts of evil later. I hadn't realised I was in a situation that could be totally life changing so didn't rise to the initial challenge like I would (hopefully) have done if I'd realised the danger.

I trusted others to do the right thing, that was wrong of me. And naïve."

Hi Rainagain,

I just wanted to say that there are so many aspects of your own experience that I can relate to. We have faced some similar sounding scenarios.

When I reflect back on the 5 years since redundancy I can see there has been a self perpetuating loop of negative rumination which I have picked myself up from umpteen times, thinking I had put the problems to bed once and for all. After they refuse to be put to bed for the 20th time in 3 years you start to realise the trouble you are in and hope fades. Fear rises and you become lost in a reality underpinned by pain and anger, and possibly an obsession with justice and validation. Wellness and being ok in yourself are inaccessible, forgotten experiences. Worst of all, no one can understand what are are coping with.

I am grateful for every word you typed in that post the other day, your 2nd last one in this thread. It all resonates with me.

At this stage I have made a couple of life changes and I am viewing these changes as yet more attempts to arrest the internal feedback loop with new inputs. Its not that life changes were not already tried without the desired result, but now is a new time and I think I am beginning to feel real emotional movement. Even thinking that is powerful and healing on its own.

Could this be the reversal that the woman in the youtube video refers to when she says the trauma has to be reversed?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo

I think my reversing of trauma back to a better place is underway and I want to help it along with positive lifestyle decisions. Not ingesting alcohol is one such strategy and it is hugely beneficial.

I know my mental well being is still fragile and I know how easily triggered I am. The ways I am being triggered are more and more varied as time passes so I am not out of the woods yet. I am however learning to enjoy music again and I think I am learning how to enjoy who I am as a person...... I think.

I will get back to watching JP, I couldn't agree more, his talks are rich in good messages, incisive messages. I like how he helps you cut to the chase with the efficient delivery of the important messages about how to approach life right.

There are so many things I could say in relation to what you've said but I cant hit them all.

I hope you are seeing some bits of healing taking place in your reality?

[thetruth]

"Another thing I don't understand is taking an opportunity to do wrong just because you believe you can do wrong without punishment, what sort of person does that? How can a group of people unite to do that? That's the evil I have to accept and come to terms with."

Rainagain,

I really hope you are finding a reduction in the power of this affliction. Through all my ruminations and stress I have found there are very specific moments which come along, sometimes quite unexpectedly, when the full realisation/comprehension of exactly what was done to you crystallizes in your mind. These are awful moments. Im pretty sure you will be having them?

I had one yesterday while in the back of my friends car chatting to my friends mother. While she was talking I had the crystallized thought of the extent of the injustice that was waged against me--- the depth of the lying that they had to stoop to to defame me and protect the bully.

Im pretty familiar with these moments now. After they occur you cant help but think.....'if only you other 3 (that are in the car with me) had any idea what is going on in my head!' They simply cannot know and they dont want to know. The fallout Im describing is a highly personal experience.

For me this is where the evil you speak of reveals itself in its purest form. These moments are among the most painful.

Im running short of time here.... chat later. I hope you have a good day.