Cooki Journal - Changing Direction *Possible Trigger Warning*

[Cookido]

Before reading I want to point out that I am not sure what the difference is between emotion and feeling and I might have gotten it wrong in my text. I thought they were synonyms till I looked it up. The difference in definitions confused me so I decided to just keep my text as it is.

Today I told myself what no other person have been able to understand that I need to hear. I told myself that it's okay to take a break; it's okay to lower my ambitions and it's okay to lower the demands that I have on myself. What that means in practice is that it's okay for me to quit my education.

I guess it makes sense that only I know what I need to hear, especially when I have been so incapable of opening up to others. How are people supposed to understand that I cannot regain motivation to complete my study, when the origin of my lack of motivation roots back to unwillingness to live?  With this realisation, I also understand what I need to do in order to regain control over my life, my emotions and mental well-being. The issue is not that I want to die, it is that I do not want to live. Therefore, I need to find a place where I enjoy living in. I am done living for others.

I remember when my therapist told me to think of how my parents or my sibling would feel if I commited suicide. That I should think of them, their feelings and reaction in order to keep myself from harming myself. I remember thinking that it made no sense to me, not logically or emotionally. How is guilt supposed to motivate me into living? You are telling me the only reason I should keep on living is for the feelings of others? Guilt-tripped into living, what a motivator. Guilt has already been the primary emotional state during my entire life. Guilt has never been a motivational emotion for me. It has surpressed me, disabled me and stupefied me.

Wanting to live is an emotional state. I have memories of a feeling where the thought of living felt easy, enjoyable and possible. I felt it in my body. I remember the feeling as warm, energetic and light (I even thought there was a possibility I would lift from the ground and float). I don't know if the experience is relatable. But a feeling like this is rare for me. Most of my life has been depression or numbness. Knowing there are other feelings or other emotional states, and that I am able to experience them, are motivational. I just havn't lived in a way that let me feel, happy, I guess?

I wrote this text because I had an urge to share what I view as an accomplishment and step forward in recovery to a community who understands the difficulties living with emotional confusion. When I told myself that it's okay to quit my education I started crying because I felt relief. I have accepted my situation, understand what I need to do in order to move forward and I feel motivated to focus and take charge of my recovery process, as for today at least. I also felt like it's important to save my reflection, because I might need to go back and remind myself to allow relief.

[sanmagic7]

dear cookido,

so glad you were able to realize all this for yourself, and i back you up in wanting to take back control of your life all the way.  i can totally relate to that feeling.  i've also had times where i made a decision that brought me to tears for the same reason you describe.  it is relief and it is liberating.

living for others constantly is a drag - it dragged me down farther and farther.  it was only when i began living in ways that benifitted my life that i finally felt a sense of freedom.

what a huge decision you made.  that took a lot of guts, courage, and fierce willingness to take on life on your own terms.  sending love and a hug full of sustenance to keep you going on your individual path.

[milk]

Cookido, I dont know what to say — your reflection beautifully expresses where you are. A step forward, yes! And for keeping it around to remind you later to enjoy the relief you gave yourself. (You know your ‘self’ and you are loving it!) I get this. Many times, that ‘emotional confusion’ distorts the choice I made to live on my own terms. The distortion is not real but ‘choosing me’ and how I ‘sight’ it, becomes my way through. Your choice of words and tone resonate with me.

I especially enjoyed your visual of lifting from the ground and floating! I do relate. I was a flyer in my youth, too. When I remember what made me happy back then, it brings me present. Saying to myself, ‘What is happening right now? What am I doing to make the life I imagine?’  Recognizing that your lifestyle limits your ability to know more states of emotion is amazing! It means you are changing. Your writing is open, mindful, and willing to explore. May the energy of these emotional states sustain you, while you venture into becoming who you are.

Cookido, I would like to write more but I have to go. Emotional writing takes me longer to do (I feel so much; I struggle to put it to words)  but its so worth the wait. I will get back to you with more —- your inquiry about a motivation to live, hit me in the right spot. Thank you.







  They are standing

[Cookido]

sanmagic7 thank you, your words are always so warm and supportive. I'm looking forward to exploring this new sense of freedom. It's strengthenigh for me to hear that you have been able to live on your own terms. It gives me hope that I will be able to do the same.

milk thank you so much for your comments. I'm glad I was able to express myself in a way that is relatable, because it helps knowing that my thoughts and feelings are shared with others. I liked how you pointed out that all this is part of me finding myself, or my identity. I don't think many people who are close to me would understand or relate to my post here, and therefore this community and you sharing your own experience and thoughts are very meaningful to me. Even though you are far away, and a text on an internet forum, it still puts me in a state of not feeling or being alone. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

[Cookido]

Today is a fuzzy mess of side effects from the antidepressants that I've started taking two days ago. I am generally against taking medicine that, in my point of view, covers up symptoms before treating them. I have this idea that I should be able to function and get better without the help of substances, especially when they have an effect on my thoughts, feelings and behavior.

Last time I used antidepressants I noticed a huge change in my persona. I became extrovert, socialized with people, had energy to study and work, give time to hobbies and relationships. However, I cannot remember feeling anything. I remember being active, but it was also dull. I was going on auto-pilot. When I stopped with the medicine I also ended the new relationships I had started, I quit work and basically went back to what I was before. Either the medicine made me a better version of myself or it made me another person. I am not sure. I have lived with mental illness for as long as I can remember and therefore I strongly integrate it with my identity and personality.

Most of my life has been finding out who I am as a person. I ponder, really, not ever coming to any conclusions. As a child my thoughts mainly concerned more shallow personality traits such as gender (am I really a girl if I don't wear make-up or enjoy discussing boys?) or appearance. Today I feel secure, both gender and appearance wise (even though childish thoughts about my  blemish skin makes me wanna dig a hole, hide in it and never to be seen again). As of today, my thoughts mainly surround how I am being percieved by others and how I percieve myself.

Is it possible to have a complete opposite view of oneself from what others have of you? The eye sees everything but itself. But who's view of me is the correct one, my own or others? I have gathered some of the words that have been used to describe me from various people in my life. These are the ones that I remember strongly and that has stuck with me. They are subjective, sometimes they have been said in the heat of the moment, others are more repeated over time. Some mean more to me than others.

Sweet, intelligent, nice, cold - my ex and closest friend
Non judgemental, open-minded - friend
Hard worker, strong-willed - coworker
Angry, intelligent - therapist
Funny, sweet, intelligent, down to earth - new partner
Selfish, respectless, stubborn - mom
Creative, stubborn, one with integrity - dad
Sloppy - brother

I realise when watching this that even though most of them are positive, it's my mother and fathers words that I most strongly feel describes how I view myself. It's frustrating that I can't seem to cut loose from their upbringing.

This last part gave me a lot of thinking to do. I can't really sort it out enough to put it in text yet, but I feel as if this writing gave me some insight. Maybe I'll continue the subject later.

[Three Roses]

I think we know ourselves best. Sometimes it's harder to see our strengths and positive characteristics so it's nice to have them emphasized by the people who know and care about us.

I've been thinking of this today because of another post, I think our family members are the people who have the hardest time seeing us objectively. Maybe it's because they feel they have somehow invested in us? Idk. I guess I just really believe that if someone sees me negatively or criticizes me without cause, it has more to do with the weakness they see in themselves and want to deny or ignore. It isn't necessarily accurate. Just my two cents. 💜

[Boy22]

The eye sees everything but itself.

This is a true thing.

Much more difficult than that is finding the true others who are willing to share with you in an uncritical way.

Without them you are left in the quagmire of bovine faeces. Turn whatever way you wish it is all BS.

[milk]

**Cookido, I just realized this is a journal and I have started a discussion that would be best moved to a thread outside your journal. I apologize for my negligence. Could we move this post to a new thread?

—-

The eyes see everything but itself.

There are other senses. When I read this, I thought about it and realized I know myself through touch, feeling in the body. Sight gives me reference, its surface oriented, the deeper knowledge comes from touch/feeling — its the movement within a space.

If a person knows one’s self through all the senses, what does one find out? How does one assign validity to the knowledge? Perhaps, the variations one chooses, develops attunement to one’s authentic nature.

The quagmire of bovine faeces.

If one knows one’s self while walking through the bovine faeces, it will be humility that leads the way, still yet, not the best place to dine. True, others who show one the direction in an uncritical way are rare.

[milk]

Cookido (a pleasing aesthetic) you are most welcome for the comments. The closeness you feel is mutual.

I am returning to your thoughts about your parents and I am thinking about how parents perceive their children as they grow. This is of particular interest to me. I remember clearly the day I saw my mother’s projected view of me (distorted) when I was in my first somewhat (working through our guises) healthy relationship in my early thirties. I saw the parent not wanting me to make a mistake and taking away from my learning experience, I saw the woman (parent) hurting when she thought of her own love relationship, I saw myself growing, by acting on what I needed and asking this of my partner. It felt weird to recognize all these facets; it was a liberating weird.

This experience gave me practice in compassion for myself and others — to me, this meant letting things be as they are (recognizing what is out of my control), with me moving forward in a liberating weird way.  The heaviness of worry lifted; I now prefer a light weighted existence, I get it when I can.

[Cookido]

Three Roses, thank you for your reply and reflections. I think you are probably right about people projecting their own insecurities on others. What you wrote about how people close to us emphazise our strenghts resonates with me because it's something I can believe in, or it makes sense to me. I'm not sure how to explain my thoughts regarding this but it's positive and I'm glad you shared.

Boy22, I am not sure how to understand your reply if I'm being honest. I interpret it as quite negative or hopeless, or at least the last sentence "Turn whatever way you wish it is all BS.".

milk, I don't mind that you started the discussion here, it doesn't bother me. I will keep writing my journal. Also, I'm not sure how to move the thread, or I don't feel like trying either haha. Regarding what you wrote about our parents and how they percieve us. I have been thinking more of how I percieve my parents. I realised quite early on how human they are, that they are not all knowing or perfect. I used to idolize them as a child, but slowly I came to recognize their imperfections. I still call them mom and dad, but I have come to view them more as friends than parents. I think this is a mutual feeling. ((After this I started to spin off into another direction than answering you and I realised that the next part is more fitting for my journal than a reply to you. Therefore I split the text from here on out. But anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts milk, they produce a lot of reflections from my side.))

I am unable to recall any feelings of unconditional love from them as parents would have for their children. I think this is what has always been missing in my life. That hole that has always existed in me, cold, dark and deep. The feeling inside is very real, so real I wouldn't be surprised if I looked down and saw the hole on my chest. I try to fill it with love from friends or partners, but the hurtful truth is that it cannot be filled. I am marked for life with the knowledge of not ever have been truly loved by the people who gave birth to me and raised me. I realise this might sound depressing, but I am able to write about it because I have somewhat accepted this truth. I have always wondered what that hole is, why I sometimes feel it stronger and other times barely at all. Usually I denied its existance but I realise now that it is just as real as my thoughts and feelings are.

[sanmagic7]

good for you, cooki, of embracing your reality, even if it isn't pleasant.  i've done similar things along the way, and for me it's actually always helped me move forward.  i hope it helps you as well.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[milk]

 [/quote]

I realise this might sound depressing, but I am able to write about it because I have somewhat accepted this truth. I have always wondered what that hole is, why I sometimes feel it stronger and other times barely at all. Usually I denied its existance but I realise now that it is just as real as my thoughts and feelings are.

Cookido After reading your last post a few days ago, it hit a little close to home - so I took the time away so I could reply to you in a meaningful way.

‘I have always wondered what that hole was’ I sense a bit of dark humor - hehehe. I get it. The humor and the hole. (I just recalled a relevant short story** see below) Not that I know what its like to be where you are but I have wondered about how I could recreate that unconditional love feeling. I, too, can not recall feeling unconditional love as a toddler and on through the teen years by my birth parents. Although my parent talked about it and gave me examples of it (he was an ethics professor) as if he knew I didn’t feel it but wanted to give me what he could to help me to recognize it —- accepting the truth about it, does make it bareable to share.

I do believe that unconditional love can come from anyone (including one’s self) that is willing to go there  —- and that ‘anyone’ will change over the years. I write this because it has happened to me — my experience is a bit different than yours but similar in a cold dark way, with a little love to push it along: the coldness felt like I was in pieces and parts of me kept falling off, sometimes I didn’t even notice it, I was leaving parts of myself everywhere, (Monty Python comes to mind)  a bit of a mess really, until one day the pieces came together (loosely)  and binded; they binded each time I experienced unconditional love (rare), reinforcing the connection between the pieces. It’s still happening.

Your acknowledgment of the hole in your chest as real, puts everything out on the table, scars and all — in fact where you are now shows the work you have done to take care of this part of yourself  —- its being shaped while you write about it and when you expose it to people you care about, giving them the choice to step up. The hole may not be filled as you state but maybe something else will happen —-  here is to your adventure in knowing and feeling love! A Chinese tea toast for you. (An act of good wish that I do when drinking obscure Chinese teas for healing) May you know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.

Cookido thank YOU for sharing your journal —- it is helping me to feel and think about love and the meaning of life in a different way that I am used to. A conversation like this is rare for me and shared with a select few —  I love it! I also feel pretty good about inspiring your reflections.

**in the story, what came to mind are the vivid descriptions of the Count being cut in two by a canonball (loss of innocence) and how he lived through it - Il Visconto Dimezzato by Italo Calvino

Something else. If unconditional love can come from one’s self — are we also capable of being our own mother and father?

[Cookido]

Today has been a stressful day. I'm not sure why it's been stressful, it just has been. Not every day can be filled with insight and self-reflection. Sometimes it's just bad. I know that I'm dissociating, I know because I can sense the devil resting on my shoulders; making them heavy and hurt; cradling my head; forcing me to tunnel vision; bending my neck so I can only focusing on the ground and toxic wispers. I hate it when I forget myself and start gazing down at my feet. I remember as a child that whenever I was out of the house, I would hold my fathers hand because otherwise I would be completely lost. I could only look at the ground beneath me. I never paid attention to my surroundings, the people or buildings. The only thing I knew was the pavement. One time I saw a 10 dollar bill on the ground, though, I never took it because I was still holding my dads hand and he kept on walking.

That's something I've been thinking about lately. Why I'm not satisfied with my life, something I brought up in my first journal post. It was a book written by Thomas Erikson called "Surrounded by idiots" (the title speaks to me) that made me reflect upon it. What the book basically discusses is that everyone can be generalized into 4 different personality types, red, yellow, green and blue. I could recognize myself in the green personality type. However, my parents are more blue or red, accoarding to the book (and my subjective opinion of my parents). The colors are really irrelevant actually. My point is that my parents, who are very different personaltiy types than I am, have been raising me after their own needs, interests, ambitions and expectations. The saying "Everybody is a genius. But If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid". Gosh, I gotta say it hurts a bit to quote something as cliche as that, but it does explain my life pretty well. I am a fish who has been trying to climb a tree. My parents are poop-throwing monkeys.

[sanmagic7]

cooki, that's a fantastic realization, to my mind.  it may be a cliche, but i think it's absolutely true about the fish and judging.  we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, don't we, so to say we should be like someone else, well, it probably isn't going to fit one bit,

personally, i love that 'cliche'.  it rings very true for me.  thanks for bringing it to my attention again.   love and hugs.

[milk]

It sucks to know that about your parents and to find out the way that you did. But hey - YOU are a fish  Now that you know - the possibilities abound