Cooki Journal - Changing Direction *Possible Trigger Warning*

[Cookido]

*Trigger Warning*

I have met this guy for a few months now. Actually, it's been two. Somehow it feels a lot longer. I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone before, I didn't know it was possible. I'm not sure it is possible. Derealisation doesn't help. At times I'm convinced this person is made up in my mind.

Sometimes I'm convinced that I can feel what he feels. I'm sometimes convinced that he can read my mind. It's weird. Like I met myself, but in another persons body. Is that what a soulmate is?

I love him. If that's possible after the short time we have been together. He is confused about his feelings. He has emotional issues, like all people I have relationships with.

We were laying in the dark at night, his back towards me. Pillow talk after I had had an anxiety attack infront of him. Slow and carefully, like he wasn't sure if or how he should tell me. I already knew what he was gonna say, but I wanted to hear it. So I stayed quiet. "This summer I wanted to... I wanted to commit... suicide." He paused. I expected him to say it but I never expected how hard it would hit. How I would feel. The sadness of knowing that he had felt the hopelessness and lonelyness that would make one consider ending ones life. I told him that it made me very sad, and then I started crying uncontrollably. The sadness wasn't the same as during anxiety or pannick attacks. The difference was that I felt better afterwards. Never has anyone in person shared those thoughts with me. It was helpful to hear, even though it hurts knowing how much pain he has felt. It also sucked that he had to comfort me afterwards when I should have comforted him.

I'm not sure what impact on our lives us meeting will have. I just know that it will be important. I'm also sure that we won't stay together for much longer. One of us will leave.

[sanmagic7]

slowly, cooki, one foot in front of the other.  we don't know what's around the corner.  i hope you can take your time with this.  what a very big deal it was that he felt safe enough with you to tell you that.  that really speaks to the kind of person you are.  i don't doubt he felt comforted in being able to comfort you.  you are both sharing very intimate parts of yourselves emotionally.

by the by, one guy i dated, we fell in love within 2 weeks of meeting each other.  everything fit together, and we enjoyed the feeling.   i hope you and he can do the same.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Cookido]

sanmagic7, thank you for your answer. I'm glad you shared that you fell in love with someone within two weeks. Makes me accept my own feelings more.

*Trigger Warning*

I am quite seriously thinking about being admitted to a psychiatric ward. On Monday I will speak to my student counselor about how to end my education. Ending the education also means I will lose my student appartment and I will be forced to move in with my parents. Which I think will worsen my mental health even more. I have nothing to lose. Making the decision to be admitted is probably the first step that I've ever taken based entirely on my own needs and will. I want to be reborn. I want to live.

I wish I could speak about this to my friends. To have someone reassuring me that I am making the right decision, because I am basing it on my own feelings. I have made bad decisions before in my life. I used to think that the right thing to do is to never regret anything. What is done is done and then you move on. I've realised now that regret serves a purpose. Regret helps you realise what you have done wrong and what you need to do different the next time. It is easier not to regret, but it does not lead to change or development.

I regret not studying art during upper secondary school. I let others decide what was best for me and I believed in others more than I believed in myself. However, I do not regret the years at school during that time. I made my first friends, friends that I still have to this day. They taught me that I am worth something, that I am worth getting to know and have fun with. That I am worth being loved and capable of maintaining relationships. They helped me get out of my comfort zone and explore other sides of me, like being comfortable in who I am and who I want to be. Still they teach me things I never learned or knew as a child. For example that it's okay for me to be myself, be selfish and make bad decisions, leaving and disappearing without a word. I did those things, I regret it, even if I at the time needed to leave. When I came back they were still there, willing to forgive me because they valued our friendship. Because I am just as important for them as they are for me. Being admitted would mean leaving them behind again. Maybe they won't wait this time, but it doesn't scare me as much. Hopefully I will come out with the strength of building new and healthy relationships as well.

I regret starting university. I was not ready and I didn't have the right kind of motivation even from the beginning. I applied because I thought it was the correct thing to do at my age and it was what was expected of me. If I had let myself regret my decision during upper secondary school, maybe I wouldn't have made the same mistake again. But still, my decision taught me other things. I was able to afford moving out from my parents. I learned that I am capable of being independent and that I have strength to take care of myself. It also gave me distance to my parents, which has been very valuable. I gained perspective on how dysfunctional my family was and I have since been able to build a healther relationship with them. Even though a lot is still very dysfunctional, I have better understanding of what my responsibilities, thoughts and values are, and which ones are theirs. My parents do not regret, they do not appologize and they do not think about the past. I always said to myself that I will not be like them, and yet that's exactly who I became. But it's time for regret, and with that change and development. Maybe I can learn how to forgive as well.

I have not decided yet if I will let myself be admitted (first I need to know if it's possible). They do not treat or acknowledge c-ptsd in my country, so I'm not sure how to present my issues. I have also never hurt myself physically, something which should be viewed as positive, but in this case it is viewed as mentally stable and not ill enough for help. I have not hurt myself physically because I never understood the point, I hurt enough every day as it is. The mental pain I have felt and still feel is worse than any physical pain I have ever felt. I hate pain and I fear pain. I fear it so much I am able to disconnect from all physical and emotional pain (and feelings in general). I've also always had something to keep me from ending my life, because that's the only reason I would see to hurt myself physically, to end it. But as I said in the beginning of this thread, I have reached the point where I have nothing to lose. I do not feel connected with the world anymore. I have reached a crossing with two options. I want to make the right decision, the one I won't regret.

[sanmagic7]

wow, cooki, such a lot of realizations.  so impressive.  you're sounding so powerful within yourself to look at what you've done, which of those actions have been because of your own wants, and which have been because of someone else's.  very brave of you to do this.  i see this as a major step forward for you.  well done.

i once was on the brink of going inpatient, but, like you, i wasn't at the point of hurting myself, so it was pretty 'iffy' as to my being able to.  i was offered a sort of day treatment program, where i could get picked up every morning, participate in their program, and be taken home every nite.  i really did want inpatient, tho, cuz i wanted to get a rest from my world.

as it turned out, i didn't do it, but i can relate to wanting to start over in a new, healing environment.  as far as leaving your friends, could you give them notice that you might be out of sight for awhile?  it may help, both them and you, to know that you're making a choice to leave, but that you would like to keep them in your life for when you return.  i don't know if that sounds like a workable idea for you or not.  if not, just ignore it.

at any rate, i'm with you, whatever your decision might be.  it takes a very strong person to ask for help, to make changes like this.  keep taking care of you, ok?   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Cookido]

sanmagic7, I think what it was that I regretted from the time I left my friends, was that I didn't give them any proper notice to why I left. If I do decide to leave I will give them a better explanation to why I am leaving. So I do think it sounds like a workable idea and I'm glad you pointed it out because it is the right thing to do.

---

Today I met with my student counselor. I will take a break from studying but I won't lose the spot in case I regret it. The student counselor at my school is a very bright and helpful woman,  I am so grateful for her. However, the 30 minutes meeting was very energy draining and I havn't been able to do anything productive the rest of the day. I have a lot of things on my to do list. Hopefully I can clear it tomorrow.

Taking a break instead of quitting isn't exactly what I had in mind, but it is easier for me to tell people that I'm having a break from school. It's quite common in my country that people take study breaks. It's my parents reaction I worry about the most. When I mentioned to my mother that I was thinking about quitting her response was to tell me the value of having an education on paper and also how much money I would have wasted on my education. Because money and status are more important than my well-being. I don't know, maybe she meant well. She isn't great at empathy. When I told her and my father about my depression a few years back, their way of dealing with it was to send me a check with money. I thought that sh*t only happened in movies.

I also wanted to mention something I never had before, genuine caring.

Me and the guy I am seeing was having a very nice moment last night, I felt good. But what I've noticed lately is when I experience very strong emotions I shut off and go straight into a very strong dissociative state. Now dissociating isn't new, but how sudden it goes from strong emotion to shutting off is new. Usually it's a more slow and mild transgression for me. I told him once that I tend to shut off from any strong emotions. He didn't really say anything and I assumed he didn't think much of it.

So yesterday it happened again, I shut off. I felt light headed, couldn't focus my thoughts and couldn't keep eye contact, I also felt so tired that I decided to just lay down and close my eyes. I didn't say anything. He spoke a bit to me first, but when I had my eyes closed he went quiet. He then started to just gently rub my belly and chest back and forth. I remember he asked if it felt nice and that I said yes, then I don't remember more. I'm not sure if we spoke, if I fell asleep or when I left my dissociative state. The only next thing I remember is that I was sitting up, talking to him and feeling like myself again, like nothing had happened.

It felt like he knew what was going on. That he had listened and remembered when I told him about shutting off my emotions, and he knew exactly how to comfort me out of it. I didn't have to say anything. I think this is the first time someone has done something for me that is entirely based on my needs and feelings. Atleast I cannot remember any other time in my life where I felt this seen and understood. I don't feel like I deserve this attention. He has an angel inside of him, and he is too good for me (I know this is partly my IC talking, but I am in fact in a state of mind where I cannot care for others as much as I would like. Depression is selfish).

He told me he loves me. But I'm note sure in what way. I think it might be the angel speaking.

Either way, he is making my two road option into a roundabout of directions.

[milk]

I think this is the first time someone has done something for me that is entirely based on my needs and feelings. Atleast I cannot remember any other time in my life where I felt this seen and understood. I don't feel like I deserve this attention. He has an angel inside of him, and he is too good for me (I know this is partly my IC talking, but I am in fact in a state of mind where I cannot care for others as much as I would like. Depression is selfish).

He told me he loves me. But I'm note sure in what way. I think it might be the angel speaking.

Either way, he is making my two road option into a roundabout of directions.

Cookido, recognizing where you are (in depression) and letting yourself be in the presence of this guy, is healthy; the tenderness he is offering is given freely, and you feel it. That is something to build on. Your level of self awareness  (knowing your IC) shows the work you have done to be at a roundabout of directions.

You write that you are feeling depressed and unable to reciprocate the care —- sometimes this happens, its ok, real intimacy isn’t about an *even exchange —- but acknowledging where one another is. Do you still feel undeserving of this experience or being with this guy? You let him know what you needed and you told him that it felt nice —- this is respect for what is given and received —- sounds like a deserving experience for both of you.

*the perception of an ‘even’ exchange depends on what the two people value; one may place a higher value on a gesture than another but that doesn’t take away from an exchange that feels balanced —- in fact the exchange itself may change the values once placed, strengthening the connection. I like the word ‘balance’ better, the word ‘even’ can be easily misunderstood.

I read this part of your journal this morning and it made me smile.