Confused

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malt2018

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Confused
« on: November 21, 2018, 04:06:14 AM »
Hi all,
For a bit of background, I had a pretty unstable childhood with lots of unreliable parenting and been told I have experienced developmental trauma and neglect. My memory is pretty poor and I have a lot of difficulties remembering chunks of my childhood except for what feels like a lot of the same stories. Anyway, I have from time to time wondered if I ever experienced sexual abuse of some type. There are some very minor signs that could indicate I was but they also aren't very strong and could be linked with lots of other things. I have absolutely no implicit memory of anything of that nature happening me at any stage.  In fact, although I have wondered I have always adamantly concluded that I wasn't.  At the same time, I wouldn't be shocked if I discovered I had been as I would have experienced many years of being in situations where something like that could have easily happened and gone unnoticed by my surrounding adults. Anyway, I am very aware of the scenario whereby if you search hard enough for clues of something you will find something so I have been very careful to try and not do that and have tried to put any thoughts of it be possible to rest which I thought I had been a success doing until recently. 

TW

Last month I  had to have an ultrasound done internally. It was not my first one, I have had many pap smears and also have two kids so I am well rehearsed with having to get that body part checked. Although never a comfortable experience and often very awkward it is not one that I have found as horrendous as some friends have described. That was until my most recent experience.  I knew what the procedure entailed as I had previously done it so knew what the technician was going to do. From the very start, however, I felt her to be cold, a matter of fact,  abrupt and had very little communication. My previous technician had also been somewhat cold and abrupt but this one was worse especially in terms of communication. During the process, I felt relatively okay although was aware that I was anxious as I was worrying and she was quite rough and at times it was a little sore. I was very unnerved by her lack of communication particularly at both the start and end of the process but overall during it I thought I was okay albeit a little uncomfortable.  After I left the clinic, however, I started to immediately feel terrible. It's hard to put it into words but I felt nauseous, weak and had difficulty taking big steps. It was like I could not make my legs walk in front of each other as I wanted to just keep them together and required every ounce of strength I had to do so.  At certain points, I felt so bad I had to stop walking. I also realised after about 15 minutes I had been clenching my fists and found it difficult to unclench them. It is hard to explain but my body was feeling unlike anything it had ever felt before in a way I can't really describe. All I know is that it was horrendous and I seemed to have no control over it.

Anyway, I am now very confused by what happened. I know they say your body can store memories. Could it be something I have experienced before or was it just simply a case of a terrible technician lacking in communication and not asking my consent making me feel awful?
« Last Edit: November 21, 2018, 04:11:00 PM by malt2018 »

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Boy22

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Re: Confused
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2018, 04:31:09 AM »
*TW*

Hi malt2018

You are right both ways.

You may have been subject to sexual abuse by an abuser who was cold and incommunicative.

Or you were physically but not sexually abused, again with that cold incommunicative manner.

You are most right about the bodies stored memory, and to me it is best to explore this with a safe therapist.

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malt2018

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Re: Confused
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2018, 04:13:45 PM »
Thank you for your response. Yes, I am in therapy and have been exploring although I see that I could perhaps revisit it. But with no actual memory of anything, it is difficult to explore. I know there is no answer and no answer anyone here can give me that will really help me. I guess I am more trying to understand my bodies reaction to the events and whether or not that is potentially an indication of something else and if it or something similar has happened anyone else here.

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Three Roses

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Re: Confused
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2018, 04:36:49 PM »
Hello, malt2018.  :wave:

*TW *

You are wise to be so cautious. I wasn't aware of having repressed memories, and in fact I thought I had remembered everything traumatic throughout my entire life. I knew I still needed therapy though because of my behavior when triggered. So I got some old books and started working in them without benefit of therapeutic guidance. I did uncover more memories - and also fleshed some others out that had just been nagging at the corners of my mind. I had always dismissed them before I could examine them.

I fell into a long period of darkness that has lasted about five years, and I'm still not out. I was clinically depressed before but it really got a lot worse.

So, what I'd like to say to you is be careful. Proceed slowly and don't try to force anything. Work with someone knowledgeable about trauma and its treatment.

Your body does store memory, I've known this for a long time - I started playing guitar about 50 years ago and whenever I couldn't remember the chords to a song, I would pick up my guitar and let my fingers remember it for me. My guitar teacher called this "muscle memory".

I trust you to know if there is something there you need to look at, and I also trust you to know when the time is right for you. There is no rush, your recovery is a journey that is unique to you and there is no time frame for it. Best wishes to you!

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sanmagic7

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Re: Confused
« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2018, 06:29:57 PM »
malt, your reaction after than procedure sounded familiar to me, actually.  there have been many times after unpleasant experiences where my legs refused to work properly.  as hard as i willed them, it was like there was a disconnect of some kind.  it lasted anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks (at its worst).

what i discovered, for me, was it was anger/frustration that was unexpressed, and it messed up my brain being able to send the correct signals to my legs.  your clenched fists might also be a sign of anger.  i think such treatment by the tech would warrant anger.  she should have been warm, comforting, soothing, and explaining what was going on every step of the way to make you as comfortable as possible during such an invasive situation.

as i've gotten more in touch with my anger, i've had fewer episodes with these leg reactions.  don't know if this fits for you.  just my experience, but it sounded so similar.  love and a caring hug.

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malt2018

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Re: Confused
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2018, 09:09:22 PM »
Sorry for the delay and thank you for your responses. Yes I am cautious but at the same time, I feel 'ready' to uncover any potential repressed memories. It is very frustrating as although I have been in therapy now for 4 years nothing 'new' has come up even though my memory is terrible.

The anger scenario is interesting. I do have issues showing my anger to certain people so worth exploring more maybe.