8 months gone by, still in freeze mode: dissociation?

[SE7]

I'm having trouble grasping the reality of my situation, that I've been stuck in the 'off' position of freeze mode for the last 2 years - and NOTHING seems to be enough to break me out of it! Even the prospect of potentially being homeless for a 3rd time. I can't get myself to apply for jobs. This has gone on for far too long. I thought that finally leaving my NPD parents' home would be enough to snap me into reality, but instead it's like I'm still recovering from them & my past losses. I cannot go to therapy because that would mean asking them for money to fix a problem largely caused by their psychological abuse. A part of me is so damaged by decades of money problems and career disappointments, that I think I don't want to go through it again so I avoid everything to do with employment, even though this is not acceptable. I am months away from not being able to afford the new place I finally got.

I get the strong feeling that my flight/freeze mode is essentially a form of dissociation, but I haven't the slightest idea how to work my way out of this ... anyone in a similar situation? Or anyone with any ideas of what to do about this? Thanks.

[Blueberry]

In that situation I really wouldn't join FOO for Thanksgiving. I have done similar in the past and I now realise it slowed down my healing considerably. I may get back to you on this tomorrow. Gotta run.

[Blueberry]

Sorry, SE7, that was probably a very unhelpful comment. In my mind Thanksgiving is Sun/Mon not Thursday. It's probably pretty difficult to change your plans for today.

[Three Roses]

Hi there, SE7, I'm wondering if you've read anything by Pete Walker on emotional flashbacks - how to recognize them, what they are, how to fight them...? An EF can leave me frozen for a very long time. I also read "The Body Keeps The Score" and that was very helpful also. It helped me see there are a number of different things we can do to help ourselves, and that I am not alone in my struggles, and it validated me in feeling that the abuse I went thru really was damaging (instead of what I would usually do which was minimize everything). If you're interested I can give you some links...?

[SE7]

Hi Blueberry - no problem, it's okay Actually I did go and it went far better than I feared! So I don't feel any worse off, thank God. My 'detached contact' seems to be working okay.

Hi Three Roses - actually I do have the Kindle version of Pete Walker's CPTSD book, and so far I have only read bits and pieces in small doses. Thanks for the reminder, I should probably explore that more, esp. parts about flight/freeze. I can't say I've gotten deep enough into the book to see what to do, although I do have a printout of the 13 steps for EF management which is good. I'm not really in a panic state like I was many months ago, so that is an improvement now that I think of it. I'm more like in a long, extended, dissociated state of mind and that's what I have to see what he says in the book I guess. I have not heard of the other book, will check out. Yes, I would love to have the links if you could post them here, thanks!

[Three Roses]

  here's a link to Pete Walker's website -
http://pete-walker.com

We used to be able to listen to "The Body Keeps The Score" on YouTube but it's been removed. If you can afford a copy, it's well worth the price. If you purchase it from this link, http://www.outofthestorm.website/books-1/, our website gets a percentage that helps pay for things like maintenance and tech support.

If I may, I'd like to suggest you read first on Walker's website about the 4F responses to triggers that cause our emotional flashbacks. http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm, here's an excerpt I hope you find helpful -

The Freeze Type and the Dissociative Defense
Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child - "the lost child" - who is forced to "choose" and habituate to the freeze response (the most primitive of the 4Fs). Unable to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type's defenses develop around classical dissociation, which allows him to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions - any of which might trigger feelings of being reabandoned. Freeze types often present as ADD; they seek refuge and comfort in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right brain-dominant activities like TV, computer and video games. They master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality.

That fits me to a T. It's both comforting and discomforting - I know finally I'm not alone, but I don't like hearing about how and why I dissociate. I really want to connect, I just don't know how. 

[Blueberry]

I'm really glad it went better than you'd feared. Congratulations on your 'detached contact'.

[LilyITV]

So glad everything went better than expected SE7!!    I know it's a huge step to leave FOO.  I am so rooting for you!!