Feel so out of control

[Cyd]

So, this feels so much to try and get out. But I don't know where else to go. I'm signed off work at the moment, it feels like I've had a complete meltdown.
I decided, and followed through with totally cutting off my FOO. Which is totally the right decision, but that scared little child inside of me can't believe that and cannot cope with this.
I've started antidepressants again, I'm trying to do everything I can to sort it out. But the whole time I feel so anxious on edge, I've spent most of today crying. And I can't believe the people who say I can 'call them anytime' really mean it...I know that's a symptom, but it's a strong one.
I feel so scared, trapped and alone.
I want to go back to work, but I don't know if I'm ready and work aren't being supportive.
My therapist thinks it'll take 3 months or so for this to settle and wants me to avoid stress...how does that happen in real life? Especially when emotional control is one of the things messed up.
I've taught myself to crochet, I'm doing tai chi every day, trying to see friends and keep busy...and at the end of it, it all means nothing, I still hurt just as badly.
I hate this so so much. I'm sorry.

[Three Roses]

There's no need to apologize, we've all been there - and I still go there occasionally. You're totally welcome here, you can speak your mind without judgment.

Talking about things isn't weakness, it's strength. It takes strength to reach out, strength to say when you're vulnerable, alone, and hurting.

Cutting off your FOO is the right decision if you feel it's right for you. Sometimes even well meaning families can trigger us so much that there's not much chance of healing, or our healing is at least impeded. And a toxic FOO can keep you stuck indefinitely.

And you may not be able to call us on the phone here on the forum, but you can speak your mind at any time here and someone will answer, especially if you say you want a response. We may not have any words of wisdom but the people here are good listeners.

You're taking steps toward healing in partnership with your T. Those steps can be strenuous. If your T says 3 months, maybe he or she has seen this before in others, and just knows that's about how long it will take. My best wishes to you in this, and a nice safe  if you want it.

[Boy22]

Hey Cyd,

I have had a complete meltdown. I stopped working in January last year. Fortunately I have good income protection insurance.

I have looked upon this as a good thing. Shake free the shackles that held me tight and give myself the space to breathe, to heal, to grow. I am making progress but ever so slowly. That's okay.

I still have horrible days where I needlessly beat myself up. But then that seems to be the norm around this place and we are all here to lend an ear and a cyber hug when needed.



Boy2w

[Phoebes]

Hi Cyd,
Just wanted to say I hear you and I'm here to support you too. I've been through the lengthy intense pain and still go through it at times. You're doing an extraordinary thing which takes so much courage.

[sanmagic7]

 

cutting off foo means it's not only a big change in your life, it's a huge loss, which carries pain, doubt, old coping behaviors, feeling crummy, etc.  it's all part of this, and as 3r said, we've all been there.

i'm glad you could come here and puke it out.  you don't have to be sorry - we get it and are here for you as best we can be.  sending love and a hug filled with support and caring.   

[Blueberry]

cutting off foo means it's not only a big change in your life, it's a huge loss, which carries pain, doubt, old coping behaviors, feeling crummy, etc.  it's all part of this, and as 3r said, we've all been there.

We're here and we get it.   

[LilyITV]

 

[Erika O]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, I've been dealing with the same thing.... I wish I had more advise but all I can say is to just keep pushing through... if you need to talk I'm here bud

[Horse78]

When one cuts off the FOO, it's a grieving process - it sounds like your grieving. Just my opinion, but I've been there and cut off my FOO, and just gave in to the grief - the pain of it, the uncertainty, the feeling of being in free fall and that there is no way round it. I've found since that submitting - total surrender, allows the process to be progressed  - it has it's own North Star and will take you to the other side, and then it won't sting any where near as much, but only if you submit and let the awful pain work it's way through you. I trust the process enough now that I'll employ it when other aspects of life come to an end - a friendship, relationship, whatever it is.

I still get sad that I don't have a traditional family - but I don't miss the actual FOO, I am much better for not having them in my life and free to choose those who embrace me for who I actually am, and that is very empowering. But it is a loss, no two ways about it.

Where your at is fine, it's ok to be anxious, worried etc - there's a reason for it, and give yourself a break for feeling like this -  take things one day at a time, is all any of us can do. I know it's not fun at the moment - but really feeeeeeeel how your feeling in safe place, and if you need, ask a friend to hold space for you - while reminding yourself that here and now, you are safe. Just to add, this is only my opinion, informed by experience.

Best to you Cyd.