The Black Hole Journal *possible trigger warning

[milk]

Before reading, look below for my post ‘About the journal’. It explains the purpose of this journal so I am not missunderstood.

—

A black hole is a benighted wonder.

There is a way in and a way out. Sometimes I fall in and other times I jump. In both instances I surrender to a dark narrative. I let it happen because I know the way. My body remembers the past like yesterday and today is screaming silently in front of me. Falling into a black hole and coming out of the other side is a dizzying affair when repeated over and over again.  I don’t want to feel dizzy anymore. Thus the need for the journal, to help me focus on one point so I don’t lose myself — I would like to skip over the hole, instead of falling in.

If I were to skip over the hole, the energy of the present propels me forward. The somberness I feel is a valid response to what is in front of me. At times I witness sad things. Thoughts come with the somberness, I drop them in the hole as my foot lands on the other side — lets do this again, I need to get the jump right,

          its a skip with one leg forward leading and the other trailing in a swift glide
               it’s a sprint, then a leap with one leg forward leading
               and the other trailing in a swift glide

            (Breathing deeply) and i go — I need to let go of these thoughts. OWWWWWW!
               my foot slipped. It hurts. I noticed a thought. Last night I sat on the edge of the hole.

I imagined other ways I can drop the thoughts —- I will put my hand on my heart and feel what happens.
               





—

*There is a soundtrack playing, Nightlights by Edamame. I need the beat to help keep time. Most tracks I listen to are about the beat, it helps me to focus on what I am doing.

*This draft is ongoing till it isn’t.

*I need to visualize what I feel before translating it to an expository reflection about sadness and depression

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

you know the way.  how telling.  it's an adventure, isn't it, to veer off, jump over, what we already know.  best to you as you move forward and less getting sucked into the vortex of what was.   love and a compassionate hug.

[Ellis]

Beautifully written.  And the more you jump over the better you get at it, like with most things. So you can rest assured that with each attempt you're slowly getting better at it - that's how I seem to see your visualisation at least.
And it's okay if some days you fall in, it happens to all of us. Just remember to keep trying and don't give up.
Apologies if this is not how you see it.
Either way I hope all the best in your recovery.

Regards,
Ellis.

[milk]

About the journal. This recovery journal is a token for me to read when I feel myself slipping into depression. Depression is not sadness. I prefer just to feel sad, it’s healthier for me.  A few days ago I read a beautiful post about being in search of one’s self. The member wrote about their progress as a gift to be read in a time of need. That is what this journal is about. I need to make a rope to toss myself when I fall into the hole. The rope allows me to be sad without falling in. I am able to start this journal because I am content. The strength I feel gives me energy to change old patterns.  I am content, yet in a maelstorm; my life shifting is rapid but my internal clock/beat/hum is steady and calm. Sadness will come; I want to be prepared so I can grow into the person I am becoming. While I let this happen, there will be takeaways in the journal for readers that want it. 

And its structure. My thoughts are not linear. I posted the About section afterwards; my need to write can be impulsive, and about me, not *censoring the natural state of my mind. To those reading, you could wait for the structure to reveal itself or not —- either way, you are seeing me become more clear. I use symbolism often but in the case of this journal, take it as it is and not what it might be, unless it helps you in some way.

*the natural state of my mind writes illegibly to most, so I do need to use writing structures so I can be understood

[sanmagic7]

as always, milk, do what's best for you in your own way.  we get it.  love and hugs.

[milk]

Three Roses Your hug is appreciated.
sanmagic7  I never thought of it as an adventure, jumping over the hole. I am veering off — thank you for that and for accepting me.
Ellis You picked up on the repetition —- It is in sync with the beat; the need to stretch myself. thank you for your encouragement, especially about my writing.

[milk]

About sadness and depression
In order to get ground on this subject, I believe the best approach to discuss mental wellness is through personal experience of the theoretical approaches applied (learned in therapy): cognitive behavior therapy, somatic healing, dialectical behavior therapy. I am committed to learning how to heal myself with the support of others.

This week I had to ask my self, am I sad or depressed? At times, I felt sadness but not depression. Next, I ask myself, did this low feeling prevent me from completing daily responsibilities? No, it didn’t. Therefore I am sad.

—

Thought sequences like this, help me to determine what I need. Years ago I made my way to a psychiatrist’s office for another opinion about the state of my mental living, past and present. Issues with sleep and appetite were affecting my daily routine. After a few meetings Dr. C told me that I have experienced a lot of tragedy in my life, feeling sad is a healthy response. ‘Let yourself feel sad’ — this was the best medical advice I was ever given.

After my visit with Dr. C, I took a drive in the hills and found a temple. Actually a beautiful Indian styled abode with a gong at the entrance — a flight of hard wood stairs that wrapped about an ornate structure of relief and cornices. Shoes off and in I go to sit quietly on a pillow, no one was there — the air was soft and sat with me comfortably. I tried meditating again, it was something I wanted to experience and struggled to do so. I felt my body fall into the space. I cried until I couldn’t. I forgot where i was. I stood up and walked through the door, sat on the porch and looked beyond at the ocean.  I meditated for the first time; this is something good. The sadness lifted and I was ready to move. I put my shoes on slowly and i left. Regular visits to the temple, yoga, and becoming a vegetarian helped me to manage my appetite and sleep.

I knew what it felt like to be sad, as an adult, after this day.

—

This memory came back to me as I made my way to another doctors office to realize I didn’t need to be there — they were not Dr. C. and I knew what I needed; to feel sadness. I believe medication works when things are falling apart at a level like: I cannot get out of bed or do anything to meet my responsibilities.

In this case, i just need to feel sad when I witness sad happenings —- I may be a bit slower in getting things done, but I am still getting things done. In fact I am carefully *strategizing what I need from the city I live in and what I can offer its people. On top of this, I am in a legal case that has taken a year to prepare and another year to play out — it has an affect on my lifestyle and my relationships with family; its temporary and worth the struggle. I am releasing an albatross that has been with me since the signing of my last student loan. The thought of being debt free again and traveling, is refreshing, I am imagining the life I desire.

*the city i live in is lethal to the careless

[sanmagic7]

today i'm finally in the midst of sadness that has a focus to it.  that's very different for me.  i agree with dr. c, sadness about loss or what never was is a good thing.  a very human thing.  i could see the entire scenario you described - i used to go to a small chapel and felt something there that i didn't feel anywhere else.  i miss it.

thanks for this.  if felt affirming for where i am today.   love and hugs.

[milk]

You are welcome, sanmagic7.

[Cookido]

This week I had to ask my self, am I sad or depressed? A times, I felt sadness but not depression. Next, I ask myself, did this low feeling prevent me from completing daily responsibilities? No, it didn't. Therefore I am sad.

Milk, I think this is a great way to distinguish sadness from depression. I will try it out myself, stopping for a moment and make clear weather my emotions comes from a place of health or sickness.

I really enjoyed reading your journal, it feels like entering your mind. I was actually looking for your name in the threads of recovery journals and I'm glad I found it. You write in a way that is very relatable and insightful. I hope it's okay for you that I shared these thoughts. Best wishes, Cookido

[milk]

Cookido, I appreciate your insights, please do share —- your journal writing has been inspiring for me, too. You have a healthy understanding of boundaries when responding to others on your journal while at the same time, taking care of yourself. I am glad you found me.