The insidious way the EF works (in me)

[Healing Finally]

HI all , thought to share.  I so appreciate being part of this community.  I honestly don't think anyone else would "get this".

I just figured out that I have one major emotional flashback that I go to again and again.  It's when I was a child and ran to my mother crying my eyes out asking her "Why does my sister always have to be right?  Why can't she ever give in?  Why does she always have to win?"

I remember that moment so clearly.  I remember we were in the garage, and my mother couldn't give me a straight answer.  It was convoluted and confusing, basically saying that's the way she is and we just have to deal with it.  I tried to stand up for myself, having her see my side of the story, but she just brushed me off, like always, "your the older sister, you have to be more mature."  I was still a little girl.

I now understand, due to my mother's own C-PTSD from her narcissistic mother in her childhood, this is her only way of dealing with the emotional abuse my sister puts out.  Ignore it, condense it, in fact, just go into straight denial saying it's not that big a deal.

Well, that did not help me at all.  In fact, come to find out, it was the starting point of my C-PTSD, or at least one of the major triggers.

When I'm triggered, I go back to that conversation in my head.  I'm defending myself over and over again to my mother, trying to get her to see the wrong, but she can't and won't.  It's hopeless.  This can go on for days in my head.

This pattern of my defending myself and my mother's refusal to see reality goes on to this day.  My sister still won't talk to me or allow our family to be all together.  Mom says she's done everything she can, but I know she just can't say "I want this."

in·sid·i·ous /inˈsidēəs/ adjective
Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects.

As her behavior continues, I honestly don't know how to protect myself.  Some say to remove myself completely, but as my sister is incapable of being aware of my 86 year old mother's needs, I am still doing all the responsible stuff.  I have to stick around.

Any support is appreciated.   

[LilyITV]

That is so tough.        It's tough when you can't remove yourself completely.  You can set boundaries but it still gets to you.  Do you have anyone outside the family you can lean on for support?

[Deep Blue]

Healing Finally,
I empathize with this so much.  I'm not the golden child.  In my M's eyes my brother can do no wrong.  She doesn't have cptsd.  She's just a woman who raised me with some traditional ideas that seem to be unfair and wrong. 

No words of advise, but just know I'm standing with you in this.  You are worth it. 

[Three Roses]

I took care of my aging parents the best I could. I know it's a thankless job at times. And at others it puts you right in the crosshairs.

Standing with you. 

[Healing Finally]

Thanks all for your replies  - appreciate knowing that I can talk here.  I don't have anyone in my family I can talk to unfortunately.  I've reached out to several family members but they evidently don't want to feel like they are taking sides, or responsibility, so everyone just keeps me at arms length.  I do have friends and a therapist. 

But no one truly understands the way I become immobilized due to the EF trigger after my Mom conveniently brushes off my sister's poor behavior against her.  Not just me, but her!  It has plagued me all my life!  I just want to retreat, but I can't abandon my mother!