Resigned to the fact my relationship may not survive my recovery....

[LilyITV]

As I progress in my C-PTSD recovery, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that I have to accept the possibility that my marriage my not survive as I reunite with my authentic self.   It seems the only reason our marriage has lasted nearly 10 years is because I've been willing to put up with a lot of crap and have been deny and dissociating my way through life.   My true self can not take this much longer. 

My therapist has encouraged me to share my feelings, to show up and be vulnerable with my husband.  But when I do this, my husband does not seem to be a safe person.  There are certain things that trigger him and he flies in an explosive rage.  I am not afraid of him and he doesn't physically harm me, but I should not have to put up with it.  I do not deserve this.  He is sorry but I don't trust him.  He says he wants to do better, that he loves me, but is it real??  At some point, therapy will need to be in the cards, but who knows if he is ready and willing to put in the hard work.  He seems very dismissive and distrustful of the process.

In the past, I have not believed I had any options.  I have not thought myself strong enough.  I have been afraid of being humiliated, feeling alone and helpless.  I have been afraid of causing permanent damage to my young children.  Now I starting to see going our separate ways as an option. 

[Deep Blue]

There is a quote that I struggle with that I think applies here:

My biggest fear is that you will see me as I see myself.

I worry about ever letting my husband know about my Cptsd.  In some ways the cards are stacked against him.

He will say, ugh did you see all the marks on that girl's arm?  He is clueless about the ones I hide from him. 

Until you feel safe, I totally understand that being open is hard if not impossible.

If you feel going separate ways is what you need, than we are here while you sort it out 

[LilyITV]

Thanks for the support.  I've calmed down a little now.  My mind always goes to the worst case scenario.  It's way too early to be worrying about divorce right now. 

I think my husband may suffer from C-PTSD as well.