A Place for Uncollected Thoughts

Ellis · November 26, 2018, 09:41:02 AM

Entry #1 - 26/11/2018

Mood: Relaxed.
Current F Mode: Battling my Flight urges.
Positive Reminder: Ellis, you just worked overtime. Your feet hurt from walking so much. Chill. You can clean tomorrow.

Yesterday I was posting on a different forum about memory. I noted that everyone had memories way back, some from the age of 4, some from the age of 2. And I sat there wondering what was wrong with me, because I can't remember being a kid. And the things I do remember... I wish I'd forget.

I think of fantasy worlds to fill in the gaps, to feel at peace. When I think of my inner child, I think of surreal forests and peace - a world away. Just him and I, together and alone. Let's go somewhere where words don't exist, where I only need to express myself with a smile and a waltz. We're safe and free, and I'll keep you safe forever as long as you're here. We're split, but together - two minds, but one. I know what you need, I know what you deserve. And it's so much more than you think.

Your protector,
Ellis - the tranquil.

sanmagic7 · November 26, 2018, 03:52:57 PM

this is so cool, ellis. telling your inner child you're the protector. it's what all our inner children need, what we all needed as children but didn't have in one form or another. i give you so much credit for doing this.

as far as your surreal surroundings and such in place of actual memories, well, we all cope with this stuff in our own way. why not make something beautiful and peaceful to take the place of what you'd rather forget? if it works for you, i say go for it. my d has very spotty memories of her childhood - just blank holes. her way was to let it be.

thanks for starting your journal, sharing yourself with us. sending love and a gentle hug, if that's ok.

Three Roses · November 26, 2018, 04:33:29 PM

Love it!

Ellis · November 26, 2018, 05:59:37 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 26, 2018, 03:52:57 PM
this is so cool, ellis. telling your inner child you're the protector. it's what all our inner children need, what we all needed as children but didn't have in one form or another. i give you so much credit for doing this.

as far as your surreal surroundings and such in place of actual memories, well, we all cope with this stuff in our own way. why not make something beautiful and peaceful to take the place of what you'd rather forget? if it works for you, i say go for it. my d has very spotty memories of her childhood - just blank holes. her way was to let it be.

thanks for starting your journal, sharing yourself with us. sending love and a gentle hug, if that's ok.

Thank you kindly for reading, sanmagic.

I think it's a very healthy thing to remind oneself that - we are there to protect ourselves. Because sometimes we're so caught up in our past trauma we seem to forget we have an adult body!

Regards,
Ellis.

Quote from: Three Roses on November 26, 2018, 04:33:29 PM
Love it!

Thanks for reading Three Roses!

Ellis · November 30, 2018, 09:36:17 AM

Entry #1 - 30/11/2018

Mood: Tense.
Current F Mode: Succumbing to my flight urges with constant distractions.
Positive Reminder: It's been a hard week but it's the weekend now.

I'm so tired, so numb. Have been playing games to just... DO something but it's not even that enjoyable right now.
During my conversation with my ex earlier, he spoke to me using my old pet name. It was definitely not okay and it made me feel so angry and brought back a flood of flashbacks and raw emotions. What makes me more upset is that later in the day, I saw that word and instantly recognised it being my old pet name.

It took me years to remove that association with said word, and now I remember it and I'm so mad!! After all that work, just having a small conversation has ruined a portion of my recovery. Well you know how it goes... two steps forward, one step back I guess.

On the brighter side of things however, I'm going to make an effort to use my Flight response for household cleaning and chores tomorrow. Then once the house is clean I can maybe actually relax. But I've also got my first session of Yoga on Sunday that will be interesting to try. I'm nervous and already feeling a little self-conscious... but we'll see.

I feel battered and bruised from work, but at least I can rest assured knowing I've completed one of my more energy-consuming weeks in a while.
Right now I'm just going to go to bed and rest my eyes, feet, and back.

Regards,
Ellis - the exhausted.

sanmagic7 · November 30, 2018, 04:10:25 PM

i'm glad this week is over. at the same time it's too bad you had to endure hearing that pet name again. i hate when that crapola happens. it may have set you back a bit, but i feel confident that you'll find the strength to move past it again. plus, i don't doubt that this time you'll be able to move just that little bit farther ahead of it. hope so.

maybe a bit of time spent at the healing porch would be helpful this weekend. i just hope you get some of the rest you need and deserve. sending love and a hug filled with calm for you.

Ellis · December 05, 2018, 09:40:23 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 30, 2018, 04:10:25 PM
i'm glad this week is over. at the same time it's too bad you had to endure hearing that pet name again. i hate when that crapola happens. it may have set you back a bit, but i feel confident that you'll find the strength to move past it again. plus, i don't doubt that this time you'll be able to move just that little bit farther ahead of it. hope so.

maybe a bit of time spent at the healing porch would be helpful this weekend. i just hope you get some of the rest you need and deserve. sending love and a hug filled with calm for you.

Thanks for your thoughts and support, San. It's much appreciated!

I've been a bit absent here but I'm just checking in to say I'm still alive. Things have been quite stressful with my finances and work has been physically taxing. All is okay though.