Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.

[thetruth]

As Milk said, name it/tame it/Claim it.

You need a coherent narrative that makes sense so you can name it.

I have that and it has taken some of the pain away, its an important step.

Hi Rainagain,

As it was with the original damage causing trauma, the subtleties of the reparation have to be experienced first hand to be truly understood.

I fully understand your message above and each line of it. Until a few days ago I would have read those words of yours and felt frustration because my anger was live and my head was still adrift in a sea of confusion around everything.

I feel I have, as you say, taken an important step. My celebration was very measured though because I know from past experience that there have been umpteen breakthroughs and they have turned out to be false dawns.

All the same, for now, even if it is a temporary relief, it is still relief. The smallest victories are precious.

One thing that drove me round the bend at times was the fact that 3 individuals were involved in my demise and I simply didnt know who to blame the most. I could exhaust my venom for one of them only to find my brain then suggesting that another one of the 'unholy trinity' was equally to blame and probably more so! This was exasperating.

While they were all self serving and they were all guilty of unjust action, now that I believe I understand the dynamics of the process they delivered between them, I am buoyed up a little by the knowing how and why they acted as they did.

To some degree I feel I have the measure of them where previously I couldnt fathom their unjustness.

I think I am possibly at the stage now where I can desist from lengthy, complicated re-tellings of the unfairness that I faced. Surely that is a step back towards the more grounded me?!

Thank you both for helping me through this recent process.

[Rainagain]

If you have a grasp of what went on then I think that is indeed an important step forward.

Its a precursor to acceptance I think, you need a narrative that makes sense and fits the facts which you can then try to accept.

I was faced with several managers all acting together but apparently making individual decisions.

Having gone through hundreds of documents and spending two years looking at what happened in different ways I have a working theory that fits the facts I know and suggests the reasons for otherwise mysterious decisions that were taken.

This 'story' allows me to make sense of things, important part of recovery.

The depth of betrayal was a tough thing to take on board, but having the story more or less correct made even that possible.

[thetruth]

The parallel in our different areas of trauma is the pain of having our truth denied, so vigorously and for so long.  But we have our truth now, so we are moving on. Not to say that we won't want to go over things, here and in our heads, but we have our truth. We understand the malevolent behaviour we have been subjected to, and we are moving on.

Libby.

Hi Libby,

This is the thing we have to do. As you say, now that we have the level of awareness and understanding that we have, our challenge is to make the most of the life we have remaining. We will have symptoms as a result of the past. As I type I am anxious and it has been brewing all day. But I'm ok. Its relatively mild anxiety.

Our lives will be afflicted by certain types of burdensome thought but they wont be lost entirely to it. I had mildly challenging thought all day today also. No one else knows about it and it has been talked to death so I just have to carry it around almost all of the time. I dont bring it up now. It is actually quite ugly for the ears of others Ive found.

I do believe the pain of the thing in my head is getting less over time. It is less unbearable now than before. It can still make me become very awake when I am just about to fall asleep- its not becoming a nice thing. Its just becoming less unbearable.

Before I forget Libby, you werent shown love by your parents. I dont believe I was either, certainly not enough to pardon and counteract the contempt I was shown. Im glad you no longer blame yourself for not loving your parents because that wasnt fair on you. You cant reciprocate what wasnt rightfully delivered from those whose job it was to deliver it. Im in that boat too. I have never loved my parents and I could never feel love for God- I felt I was wrong for that but I have moved on from both issues.

I know I am not devoid of love because I loved a dog as a teenager and I have felt love-like feeling for girlfriends. Incidentally, I have only ever grieved twice in my life. Once when my dog died and another time after a romantic relationship breakdown. Never after the death of a human. Im actually ok with that because I know I was emotionally destroyed as a young person. I do not accuse myself of the 'crimes' of inabilty to love like I once did, just like you did to yourself also.

I am trying to focus on positives and I am giving more thought to self development and notions of responsibility as opposed to aspirations for comfortability (inspired by Jordan Peterson on youtube).

Yes we are moving on Libby, as best we can.

[thetruth]

If you have a grasp of what went on then I think that is indeed an important step forward.

Its a precursor to acceptance I think, you need a narrative that makes sense and fits the facts which you can then try to accept.

I was faced with several managers all acting together but apparently making individual decisions.

Having gone through hundreds of documents and spending two years looking at what happened in different ways I have a working theory that fits the facts I know and suggests the reasons for otherwise mysterious decisions that were taken.

This 'story' allows me to make sense of things, important part of recovery.

The depth of betrayal was a tough thing to take on board, but having the story more or less correct made even that possible.

Yes Rainagain,

I seem to have gotten to a similar stage of my process. Another cycle of obsessive rumination has been completed with the emergence of a slightly different narrative. There was relief, I think there still is some relief. I find the next phase of the cycle is a renewed appreciation of how I still must think about the thing all the time, if I am not being engaged in conversation by another person. I had this going on today, but as Ive said above in my response to Libby, the thinking wasnt unbearable, just persistent and laced with the sense of the unfairness that took place.

I found this explanation of consumption V creativity very interesting last night. This explains my stunted attempts at oil painting. Im already addicted to the dopamine I get from my youtube addiction. I need to change my habits if I am going to draw on some meaningful creative energy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pgaJb2Wwhs&feature=share

[Libby183]

Hi, the truth.

Really pleased to hear that you continue to be in a relatively good place. I think you are right to say that our thoughts will never be pleasant but can become less unbearable. I think that is the realistic goal that we are all aiming for.

I can relate as well, to the way the anxiety still creeps in. I suspect it always will, it's how we react that matters. It sounds as if you dealt with it quite effectively. I started the weekend feeling awful. For me, I can't tell the difference between physical and emotional unwellness, and in the past, I have tended to panic and spiral downwards. But I am getting calmer, so I was able to go out with my husband and dog, and coped really well. It's definitely a stage in our recovery, I believe, and I think that the signs are positive!

With regards to not loving one's parents, I just wanted to thank you for your validation. I remember another of your posts about a particularly traumatic episode with your mother. That scenario felt very, very familiar. Horribly so!  I read an article on Psych central called The Brutal Womb, I think. It was about absolutely loathing your parents, essentially because PD parents are utterly abusive, whilst telling you that they are the most amazing people /parents that ever lived. Rubbish parents, who sort of shrug and say "tough, we don't really care" must be much less damaging. This sums up my parents in law. They don't pretend they care, and my husband isn't very bothered.  This was a really helpful realisation for me - and helped me let go of the terrible shame and guilt. It rears it's ugly head, from time to time, but I am getting better at refuting it. And, I am finding lots of ways to let go of my parents standards. Recently, I have committed some terrible crimes against curtains. My mother made curtains for a living and believed that nobody did such a fabulous job as her. For years I have maintained these standards, but now I have some window dressings that would cause her to have a fit. She'll never see them, but I am satisfied to have "rebelled"!

Take care and look forward to to hearing more from you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi the truth ....
Oh the long battle with it all hey ...i can relate .
Id be looking at putting a complaint in and asking for another assessment .
Also i used the trauma symptoms worksheets on this forum which i filled out and read from in the assessment (its so hard for us to articulate in words our inner experiences .

[thetruth]

Hi Boatsetsailrose,

The other side of it being so hard for us to articulate our inner experiences and the injustice of our realities, is that it is consequently very easy for those with an interest in downplaying wrong doing against us, to misrepresent the truth and to avoid any inconvenience that the truth might involve.

Thank you, I have asked for the report from my psychiatrist. They have said they posted it a week ago. It hasnt arrived yet. Lets see if it comes or if I have to request it by another means. I will request it by email next.

Thanks for the advice. If I need it, I will be asking  for another assessment at no cost to myself.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi thetruth and Libby, I just wanted to say I feel your disappointment with your results through the nhs, I'm wondering the truth, are you in a position to be able to change gp's? I'm from the south of England in a quiet part of the country, but my help through the nhs has been so good with gp's listening and understanding and referring me on. I'm 3 years into nhs therapy, the problem for me has always been that you only get up to 12 weeks therapy and then have to be discharged but then can reapply but the whole process goes on forever and I wish inhindsight that I'd found myself a private therapist so it could be on going, but I'm too far down the line now to want to do it. I've had a psychiatric assessment, emdr, Cbt and psychotherapy and am on the waiting list to go back for more emdr and psychotherapy followed by 12 weeks of trauma related Cbt, this is all through my gp who was so amazing in helping me with this journey and it disappoints me to hear the lack of support you have had, maybe it's because I live in a relatively small area that I'm getting that help or maybe I just have a gp who understands, but I hope you get the help that you need.

[Boatsetsailrose]

How about going higher to NHS pals to log what has happened with gps etc.
Also finding out what the policy is with the private service around asking for a second opinion

[Libby183]

Hi, Eyessoblue.

The truth - I hope you don't mind me hi-jacking this thread.

I have wondered whether to make some sort of complaint. I really do believe that the GP surgery are exceptionally poor at dealing with patients with MH problems. When I was prescribed mirtazipine and became almost psychotic, only to be told, over the phone, by a GP I had never met, just to stop taking it completely and maybe come back in a few weeks time, I was shocked. I am actually doing exceptionally well, with no medication and no therapy. I have no stomach for a formal complaint, but I have wondered about writing to the practice and outlining my thoughts about my treatment. I can't believe that I am the only patient with this sort of experience. I wouldn't necessarily expect a response, but it may help with my recovery. Just to put my story to them, a bit like the letter not to send section of this site. After all, telling my parents that I hate them, for the first time ever, helped me enormously. It's something I have been toying with.

Boatsetsailrose - so pleased to hear about your progress with getting help. You deserve it.

[Rainagain]

For what its worth I would be wary about trying to 'fight' with the NHS or psychiatrists.

Its unequal, we are vulnerable and they are not.

I see it as likely to turn out like my employment situation, an unequal struggle that caused trauma.

It might be better to keep trying different gps/psychs/whatever until you get a result like eyessoblue describes.

Most organisations and many alleged professionals are basically very poor, but there are good people around, if you can find them.

[Libby183]

I agree completely. It's all about a power imbalance. They just have to say we are unstable and it's game over.  For me, it's just a repeat of my relationship with my parents. I had no rights, no voice and they were entitled to treat me how they pleased because I was unstable. I think that is why I do not trust doctors or the NHS.

[thetruth]

"Hi Boatsetsailrose,

The other side of it being so hard for us to articulate our inner experiences and the injustice of our realities, is that it is consequently very easy for those with an interest in downplaying wrong doing against us, to misrepresent the truth and to avoid any inconvenience that the truth might involve.

Thank you, I have asked for the report from my psychiatrist. They have said they posted it a week ago. It hasnt arrived yet. Lets see if it comes or if I have to request it by another means. I will request it by email next. "

The report didnt come by post. I asked for it by email and I had it within 2 hours.

I couldnt look at it this morning in case it triggered me before I went out and this evening I am in good form after a positive, carefree day. I am not going to jeopardise my evening by looking at the report because I know the report is more insult.

I was thinking about the psychiatrists evaluation in recent days. When he said I could not drop these negative ruminations because this is typical of people with bipolar tendencies (horse-crap on various fronts), he is still putting the blame for this on me. His conclusion still refuses to acknowledge the abuse, trauma and injury involved. His conclusion suggests that the problem is an issue with my psychology, as it was with the abusive employer, and with the duty shirking GP, he is choosing to lay the fault with me and not with the damaging events.

He is perpetuating the defamatory narrative, and that is as politely as I can put it. He too is abusing his position to frame the facts in a way that avoids the ugly truth at my expense once again.

These people cannot seem to get it into their heads that further denigration of me and further insult cannot fix the defamation and insult already suffered.

[Rainagain]

Negative ruminations must surely also be typical of people who have been abused and traumatised, probably more typical for them I'd think than for people with bipolar?

I'm certainly partial to a good negative ruminatory session these days, there's nothing like having your life ruined by idiots to promote that sort of thing.

[thetruth]

Negative ruminations must surely also be typical of people who have been abused and traumatised, probably more typical for them I'd think than for people with bipolar?

I'm certainly partial to a good negative ruminatory session these days, there's nothing like having your life ruined by idiots to promote that sort of thing.

You would think that, yes, Rainagain. Especially when there is a detailed history of sustained, complex unfairness, involving trauma. It makes it all the more telling that a psychiatrist would choose such a flimsy, wishy-washy, truth avoiding conclusion. It begs the question, is this guy not interested in the actual traumatic history he has just had described to him? Might that be too inconvenient for him?

I still havent been able to bring myself to look at the report. I am concerned it will trigger me. I will have to look sooner or later.