Guaranteed Anxiety.

[thetruth]

Hi,

I find that my life is becoming more and more just an existence in which I am permanently troubled by the need to find a way of living that gets rid of anxiety.

I scheme of how I might achieve this. I feel a sense of hope around my new ideas and schemes. Then those very ideas and schemes result in anxiety. I feel like no matter what I try to do, I am almost guaranteed to achieve anxiety through it. This has a way of raising the question, what is the point of trying anything more?

I wonder could it be that the experience of abuse+injustice that I went through at the hands of an  employer and an indifferent doctor simply will not be quietened despite my best efforts to overcome it?

I believe I am wounded in my psyche and the wound persists like a bad smell that follows me around. I cannot shake it off.

Any thoughts at all on what I have described would be very gratefully received.

[thetruth]

Hi,

I found Kizzie's linked article immediately after I made the above post. This sentence from Kizzie's article sums up an awful lot for me. It is very relevant to what I am dealing with from my past and it will be to many, if not all people reading this forum.

"For those who have experienced trauma, anxiety comes from an automatic physiological response to what has actually, already happened." (Peterson 2018).

From- https://themighty.com/2018/06/anxiety-from-complex-trauma/?utm_source=engagement_bar&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=twitter_share

My situation was compounded and complicated further 5 years ago by a doctor who refused to be informed of what had happened to me in the workplace so that he didn't have to act accordingly. In other words, he wilfully refused to hear or recognise what had actually already happened.

Traumatic abuse is one thing, healthcare professionals with the power to deny it ever happened is another thing entirely. In my case this has caused complexity in the grievance I am dealing with. I cannot escape it because the decision making by these people has shaped my life since that time. My day to day reality is a constant trigger to remind me of what they did.

I hope this makes sense. I wish I didn't always sound so desperate for validation! Its a product of betrayal by people who have maintained their reputations as people of integrity, while I am utterly misrepresented as a crazy person!

[Jdog]

I am not a doctor or therapist and thus have no credentials in this arena, but from my experience it is possible to reframe your experience somewhat.  Perhaps you can let yourself know that what you are experiencing is a normal response to some terrible things that you have endured.   You are not wrong, or bad, or defective.  In my experience, sometimes it is the very act of trying to escape the bad feelings and self concept that keeps me trapped.  Things do have a way of changing over time, just like we constantly are growing and shedding cells in our physical body. 

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but thought I might try to give you something to consider.  Sending good thoughts your way.

[thetruth]

Thanks a lot for your response Jdog. It It might be difficult for me personally to go about reframing my experience without the eruption of more unresolved anger because my experience was already reframed by the abuser and by my doctor to suggest that my grievances were irrational, mysterious and even fantasy. IE Gaslighting by abuser and doctor. Demeaning reframing by others is what I have been battling against.

I do not know how to reframe injustice without denying its validity. I want to let go but so far it hasn't been an option.

Im really not sure what must happen in my life or in my mind to change the status quo of frustration. Unfortunately, for me, things are not changing with time. The lies that were told are not becoming any less demeaning than they were 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 years ago.

Im sorry if I sound unappreciative of the advice, Im really not. I don't know how to disarm the untruths that were waged against me by people in positions to abuse power, people that I bump into on the street when I least expect it. Triggering is an ongoing part of daily life and I know how it undoes my self re-grounding.

Maybe I need to move away from home yet again, to reduce the instances of triggering.

Thanks so much for the positive thoughts.

[Kizzie]

I had been making good progress in recovery and by that I mean gaining some emotional distance from my trauma and integrating it so that it didn't feel like it was happening to me again and again (i.e., being stuck in trauma time). However, then Donald Trump came along and his malignant N behaviour reignited the trauma and over his two years in office I slipped into depression, hopelessness, anger ..... 

I went to about 7 sessions of EMDR to see if that would help and it really did, but it also stirred up other trauma and I developed a lot of anxiety, a feeling that something bad was going to happen. (There was nothing going on other than having been to EMDR.)  This was the final straw for me that led me to think I need to do some body-oriented work to see if I can shift that stored trauma and so I am trying Pete Levine's Somatic Experiencing. (I've just had one session so I don't have a lot to say about it just yet.)

Anyway, all this is to say you may want to have a look at EMDR and/or SE as they are both methods of resolve/releasing trauma using a physiologically-oriented approach. 

[thetruth]

Hi Kizzie,

Thanks a lot for the recommendations. I will take that on board and look into the processes.

Due to constant anxiety in recent months I hatched a plan to return to oil painting. I thought it would be calming. It isn't. It causes incredible anxiety. Im not sure it is possible for me to enjoy it. I am still trying but the associated anxiety is very tiring. Im trying to find the therapeutic vibe within artistic expression. Im in the middle of a painting right now and even though the first sitting hasnt been a complete disaster, the dread of making a mess of the rest of the picture is high.

Thanks for recommending EMDR. It is time I tried it.

[thetruth]

I am not a doctor or therapist and thus have no credentials in this arena, but from my experience it is possible to reframe your experience somewhat.  Perhaps you can let yourself know that what you are experiencing is a normal response to some terrible things that you have endured.   You are not wrong, or bad, or defective.  In my experience, sometimes it is the very act of trying to escape the bad feelings and self concept that keeps me trapped.  Things do have a way of changing over time, just like we constantly are growing and shedding cells in our physical body. 

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but thought I might try to give you something to consider.  Sending good thoughts your way.

Hello again Jdog,

Thanks again for your response earlier today. My mind has settled down a lot from earlier today. My first response was written while anxiety and anger about the past was running high.

I have attempted some pretty novel ways to reframe everything. One of them involves me focusing on the fact that I should never have been in that job in the first place. I should never have been in a position of subordination to a man so devoid of either manners or intelligence. I hope that makes sense.

I try to imagine who I would be had I never had the misfortune to meet this person. That is a therapeutic thought.

Thanks again for your message, I am working on the reframing. If I hadnt been so good at what I was doing I would not have been so targeted for undermining and ridicule by this pathetic man. If I could somehow hold on to that solitary aspect of the whole thing I might be able to think more supportive thoughts towards myself more often.

[Jdog]

The truth-

It's ok, I understand.  I myself was targeted by a team of administrators and I had to hang onto my sanity with everything I had.  It was an awful time that made me doubt myself at every turn.  I still don't know how I outlasted these creeps.  And reframing isn't easily done, certainly not when one is still being triggered all the time.

I'm glad you are finding a few ways to view yourself in a more positive light.  You certainly deserve that!