Hoping for the best

[WideSargassoSea]

Taking bit of a leap here. But I think its time. Im struggling at the moment, but I feel a journal may benefit in some ways.

[Kizzie]

   Hope it's helpful 

[Ellis]

Any leap or step is progress and beneficial, even if it might not turn out the way you want it to - you can at least say you've done something!
Feel free to express whatever is on your mind.

Regards,
Ellis.

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks for the encouragement.

Righty-first entry (2nd?)

Went to a kind of support group yesterday for the first time in almost a year. Was pretty intense as only four other people showed due to bad weather. Made it hard for me as I prefer to stay in the background until Im comfortable, but couldnt with only four other people. Also weird when someone turned all the lights off! It was one of the many kinds of 12 step groups, and I know they all have their own foibles, but that was a very weird one....

Im glad I went as I really suffer horrifically from social anxieties, and I had a healthier approach going into things yesterday than before. I wasnt trying to 'be' popular or 'likeable', or do things because I'd been told I should. I just tried to do what felt comfortable for me at the time.

I feel pretty weird today though as I always over question myself after such events. Too much self criticism and not enough self congratulation on achievements.

Also, finding out a few weird things about some acquaintances I have who Im seeing next week. Pretty anxious about the meet up, but these realisations mean Im seeing them as more human and Im doing a bit less of comparing my 'lack of success in business and life and so on blah blah blah' to theirs. On the other hand, Im not sure how much they are joking about their issues and how serious they are being. Always hard to know when its on social media and not face to face....

[WideSargassoSea]

Rough night last night. Felt bad. Some self soothing helped a little but not much.

The moment I got up today I was faced with things I didnt want to see. I have to be vague here to avoid specifics. But a leaflet through my door from a new political group whom I think is absolutely obscene.

And some people I kind of think of as mates, on social media, all seemed to be having a great time without me, and seemed to have maybe been meeting without letting me know. Maybe Im mistaken there but I dont know.

Then had a rough time physically, for personal reasons I again wont go into. I found this upsetting because its to do with something that, for most people, is a simple physical function and routine-yet for me it is very stressful and difficult psychologically. I wish I could talk about it but some things are too personal.

So its nearly dark outside already and I just feel so outside of normal social activity, which is hard for me. I really hope things get a bit easier next year. I have hopes and plans but im starting to worry they wont work or that im just kidding myself with them.

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry you're going through such difficulties and pain, WideSargassoSea. May I ask, do you welcome comments etc in your journal or would you prefer we don't write here? Thought I'd ask bcuz it was not clear to me. Here's a if you want one.

[WideSargassoSea]

Oh I hadnt thought of that. Good point. Yes, I welcome all comments here.

Thanks for the heads up, and the hug. Appreciated.

[WideSargassoSea]

Rough day again today. Feel almost like coming down with something. Maybe thats partly what it is....? So exhausted after a thirty minute walk today.

Not usually that exhausted... and had a bad stomach pain last night-even though I had made an effort to eat 'healthy'!

Irony. As a wise man once said, it can be pretty ironic... 

As I type I feel a little better.

Made a soothing nice drink with lemon, honey and so on. Going to try not to worry about things right now and put it down to part of the process.

Glad to have this online journal and the folks at this site.

[milk]

wss, sorry to hear about your rough night last night. it sounds like you are ‘on it,’ despite the bad feeling.  Not all days feel bright. I remember reading somewhere about how seeds need darkness to germinate, I imagine this when I feel sadness and anger, acknowledging the growing happening in the darkness. When I wrote ‘on it’ it means when one is living out the changes they want, there are growing pains that need compassion. Gotta love that self care! Honey and lemon drink — yummmm

[Three Roses]

Sometimes my emotional flashbacks are totally physical, like the other day I felt like I had just fallen down the stairs or something and there was no other explanation for my discomfort. I did some EF work and the discomfort decreased so that was a really good indication to me that it really was an EF.

[WideSargassoSea]

milk-thats a nice thought about needing darkness to grow. I'll make use of that. And Three Roses, sorry to hear you felt so rough. I had also wondered if my physical symptoms were due to EF and the like. Still not sure. I dont normally get phsyical effects that badly though...and theres a lot of flu about. Guess we'll see...

[WideSargassoSea]

So... had an urge to write a list of the bad things done to me by my mother-not in detail, but generally-yesterday. I had heard it can be useful as sometimes when I feel bad and blame myself I literally forget everything bad done to me. Sounds weird I know, but it happens.

It kind of felt like the right time to do it. But after I had done it, only then did it occur to me there'd probably be a lot of emotional upheaval as a result of all this coming up.

And boy am I struggling with it now... Though, to keep things in perspective, I have felt worse. Im just very, very angry at times, and also yearning for some nearby countryside to walk in and have some solitude. Always wanted to be able to have a ten minute walk and find myself in countryside where I could walk alone as I live in a busy city. I really wish I could amble along and just let it out and cry if I felt the urge and not have to worry about other people seeing me. And unfortunately I dont drive. Though I hope to change that maybe next year...

Anyway, I woke early and struggled for more sleep, then when I got it, woke extremely late (hate when I get those extremes). like 2.30 in the afternoon. Did consider trying to spend the whole day in bed, but its the sort of thing my parents always slammed me for even considering, so even though Im now middle aged, I still have never been able to quite let myself do it. Had lots of nightmares about that female parent last night. Horrible ones.

Writing that list has awakened a lot of very painful ghosts.

[WideSargassoSea]

So I have a (for me) huge social thing tomorrow, and some of the dynamics of it really trigger my deep pain over my FOO. I wish it wasnt so, but theres quite a bit of history regarding this social event, and although Ive tried not to, Ive again found myself getting my hopes up, knowing I'll walk away feeling hurt, ignored, and overlooked.

And I had a dream about this and about my pain over my sister and my past. I was sobbing heavily when I woke up. Deep pain. And now wary that the wound will get disturbed again tomorrow by the social event and the aforementioned echoes and similarities.

As a result I intend to leave before everyone else, though thats a double edged sword. I fear later hearing how everyone carried on the event at someones house (though theres no plans too far as I know). But if I dont leave early then I'll get mostly ignored when I do go. At least this way I can choose to just say bye and go. I dont know. Worried im running away. But what can I do?

Really hurting and know its best to take care of myself in a difficult situation that risks hurting me even more. Wish things were different though. I wish I had some real friends I felt I could safely be myself with who were straight with me.

[Blueberry]

  I try to do what's best for me in difficult situations. I don't even always know what the best thing is and even if I do know, I don't always manage to do what's best. It's a learning process.

With healing also comes more ability to ascertain who is a real friend and who is not. I'm going through that a bit atm. It's taken me a long time, others do it faster. Hope you belong to the faster group! It seems like the more healthy relationships you have with people, the easier it is to form additional healthy relationships and let go of the unhealthy ones.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry that letter stirred things up for you, WSS. But it's likely that things will need to be stirred up a bit, as I think in order to heal you've got to look at the underlying stuff that's hurting you. Unless you get at that deeper layer you would only be chasing symptoms, imo.

Maybe another letter would help. Write one to your inner child/children, or write out a new list of rules for yourself, and not the ones your family left you with. Actually that assignment was given to me by my first therapist and it's one I keep going back to....

Every dysfunctional family has a set of unspoken rules. Don't show your feelings, be invisible, don't ever upset anyone, etc. The therapist said I was to take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side of the paper I was to list all the unspoken, dysfunctional rules. On the other side I was to rewrite those rules in a way that was healthy and appropriate for how I wanted to be.

Thirty years later and I still think of that list! My rules are a better fit for me.

I hope you find this helpful.