Hoping for the best

[Hope67]

Hi WideSargassoSea - I would like to wish you the best for facing that social occasion - I also have difficulty with those - and sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Some good ideas there, I think I'll give them a try.

Hard today. So on edge and shaky due to social thing in a while. And also because I have a delayed reaction to things so I know I'll probably struggle for the next couple of days when things hit me.

Only good thing is at least after I can get back to focusing on things that work for me and help me/my plans for the future. Thats partly what I find so difficult about these things. The fear shakes me so that everything else gets forgotten and its hard work to hold onto what I've learned works for me. Fingers crossed folks. Probably have to set off in about an hour..

[WideSargassoSea]

Really finding it hard to let go of past times as a kid. Sometimes I fear I'll never feel as happy or enjoy moments as special as those again. Yet those moments were followed by the worst and scariest and most painful in my life.

That seems how my early years were. Special times, then awful ones. It causes me doubts about my choices now, such as going NC with FOO.

I suspect its probably that the special times were simply due to me being a kid, and that almost any kind of warmth of brief moment of kindness was so rare to me that it felt amazing.

But it does make me fear Im being to harsh on my FOO sometimes and lead to self doubt. I just find it hard to get over it all at the moment though.

[WideSargassoSea]

Well. Just realised I didnt think I was able to post here while I was away on holiday for some reason. There were times I could have used access to the forum. Just didnt think was possible!

Back after the trip, been kind of overwhelming due to more meddling attempts from FOO have had NC with.

I knew thered be something. Some card or note left despite previous requests not to and to stay away from my house.

Couldnt believe what I found. The dirty &(£&&(" had written a cheque for quite a lot of money (not loads, but still), with no note. And I know EXACTLY why they did it. It was a trick to try to confirm I still live at the address. Because if I cash it, it confirms its me with the bank details. And theyve tried previous tricks like that in the past few months. I just binned the other things though, and was concerned they'd try something else.

This made me furious though.

1. It doesnt show any care, or acknowledgement of their current and previous toxic selfish behaviour as its not to help or be kind to me-its just to give them the information they want.

2. It shows they havent changed in the slightest as they always painted me as money grabbing, even though the opposite was always true. But they did this assuming that I'd definitely be unable to resist the money.

Actually, I tore up the cheque.

3. It shows they are exactly as they were before, in all the ways that made me go NC with them. They didnt think to consider WHY I went NC; Instead, they did what they always did-got together and schemed and plotted to get what they want, without the decency or courage to actually act in a human way and contact me openly and honestly for a two way calm talk. And believe me, I gave them countless options for that in the past.

So I am very angry, disgusted, and worried they'll try to turn up and harass me in my own home.

Im also frankly sick to be back in this town, and back with this rubbish, after being away.

It wasnt all great abroad, but I did some things im incredibly proud of, surprised myself, had moments when I took great care of myself, and did some things that were some of the most fun EVER.

Sadly, the events I write about in this entry are now in my mind, so it feels like returning only to pick up the sack of rocks right away again, with no acclimatization time. 



Dont know if this makes much sense to others....

Anyway, could use any hugs if theres some available.

[Deep Blue]

Wow that is rough.  Sorry you are going through this.  I know I don't usually comment on your journal but it doesn't mean I don't read it.

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks Deep Blue. Nice to know others find something interesting in the journal and its being read.

[WideSargassoSea]

Had quite a big EF yesterday. Very exhausting. Gave myself love, time and understanding, but I was surprised by just how tired I was after.

Im glad its the new year, and all the Christmas malarkey and so on is done.

I do feel in a bit of a rough place at the moment-but I dont feel too worried as theres good reasons why, and I have hope for the future.

Heck, I had a huge swelling with my tooth just the other day I was dealing with, and was still unpacking from a holiday, and dealing with returning from a journey, etc

Im having moments of big worry and doubt still, thats true, and I still feel a big lack of energy. Though I think overall Im gradually settling and able to focus more on me and my wants and needs.

Still some rough nights sleep... though those too are lessening, I think.

[Three Roses]

  here's that hug for you!

And  for "Actually, I tore up the cheque." 

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks Three Roses! Yeah I'm proud of myself for not accepting the money too. Guess I need to remember that feeling for the future.

[Hope67]

Still some rough nights sleep... though those too are lessening, I think.

Hi WideSargassoSea,

Glad to hear your rough nights are lessening. 

Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks Hope. Ironically woken in the night by leg cramp yesterday, really painful for a bit! Guess is a reminder to make sure I drink plenty of water (especially before exercising in the day...!

[WideSargassoSea]

Felt old deep pain yesterday. God I loved my parents so much when I was a kid, before I had any idea how badly they were treating me.
Its still sometimes so emotionally confusing. Theres moments I recall when I felt so safe, and such joy in life. Periods of calm between the storms that followed and the horrible treatment from them to me.

Why is it that sometimes those happy short moments cause me so much doubt and worries that Im being too harsh on them and too dramatic about my past? I know those moments were actually the 'aberration'. It was the bad times that were the norm. The majority. The very early years of coldness and fear-the later years of harassment and neglect and so on.

The occasional moments of calm peppered in where, for reasons beyond me,  they 'happened' to be having good days, or the weather was especially good, or one of them had won some money through gambling, or maybe they werent arguing so much that day, or who knows-one was having an afffair that they liked? Anything with my parents could have been the case, with all these examples being possible from the painful things I later learned.

But point is-I guess it could have been anything unhealthy that accounted for those brief moments of them appearing to be kinder or happier or more stable. God how I wish it was just simply due to their love for me. I ACHE for that. I yearn for more of those days.

I worry sometimes that I'll never feel as open or calm as those times again.

I have learned enough of others experiences to know such things are possible to achieve though, through the journey us lot here are on.

I think Im opening up in healthy ways, perhaps closing some unhealthy ones that enabled people to take advantage of me. I think Im gradually getting to know myself for the first time, gradually finding how to give myself love and kindness that I never had.

Theres so much grief though, for those brief, seemingly happy/calm/safe/caring moments from the past that I dont want to loosen my grip on. For the kid in me that had such a horrible time. I wish I could go back and protect that kid and stop the terrible ways he was treated by so many people.

I'd be a more confident person today if I'd had that.

[WideSargassoSea]

Back from a horrible time at the dentist. Thinking of trying elsewhere for a 2nd opinion as this one has been contradictory, dismissive and downright patronising.

Me; 'So what are my options if the tooth is removed?'

Them; 'That's a conversation for a later day'.

Yeah thanks, 'cos I'm twelve and need to be shutdown in a passive aggressive manner like that.... Simply considering my options before consenting to something as irreversible as having a tooth removed! I suspect because Im NHS and not private (but at a private practise forced to take some NHS patients), that they just want the cheap option quickly rather than considering saving the tooth or longer more costly procedures that take up their time-time they could be using for treating private customers who pay full price....

Totally sucks. And I think I'm coming down with the bad cold that's been going round.

[Hope67]

Hi WideSargassoSea,
Sorry to hear you had that experience with the dentist, that doesn't sound very supportive of them.  Hope you can get a 2nd opinion, if you do decide to go for that option, and that they are better.
Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Finally caught the bad cold thing thats been going round.... hard to make myself switch off and accept the limitations it means for now. Always found it hard to simply stop... hope this thing passes soon...!