Hoping for the best

[WideSargassoSea]

Feel really low today, uncared for. Thought of posting in exceptionally bad day. Hurting.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're feeling low today. I really understand, I do. You are worthy of care, even if you don't feel it today. I'm glad you're here with us. 

[Hope67]

HI WideSargassoSea,
Sorry to hear you have been feeling low.  I'm also glad you're here with us.  I thought of you the other day, as there was a question on a quiz show I was watching, and it mentioned the Sargasso Sea, and so I found out something about that Sea, and it was amazing that fish will go for miles and miles to go there and have their young.  Amazing.  I don't know the reason you chose your name, but it made me smile and I thought of you. 
I hope you feel better from the cold you've had - I often feel much lower in mood when I am physically unwell.  There is such a lot of colds about at the moment - I guess it's that time of year.
Take care,
Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks for the thoughts folks. They helped in a small way

Entry for yesterday.

Felt utterly spun out. Had met someone who, in some ways, might be a potential friend. But in other ways, warning bells are ringing for me. Whether thats due to me or them or both, I dont know. I just know that the questions and fears and wants in my mind that were sparked of by this was literally utterly debilitating, and I had to spend a good portion of the day pretty much sleeping due to the mental exhaustion.,

The thing is, I am beginning to see a pattern in myself. I think I am drawn to people I partly hate/fear. I can certainly see precedent for such patterns with the upbringing I had in my FOO.

And similarly, Im always afraid I'll miss an opportunity so worry too much about not taking action. For example, part of me worries that if I dont suggest a coffee or drink or something with this new person, that I'll not get a right moment to try again in future. And my fears of that also relate to FOO. Not to mention fears of being alone/abandonment, also die to FOO.

The place I went to, where I met this person, I went to because of other reasons. Because there is wisdom there. Because there is hopefully some guidance and stability. And before going, I had an aim, which was to try to be myself more, to not worry what others thought of me, and to give things time. All things I struggled with.

Suddenly Im faced with someone who seems utterly different to me in every possible way, who I suspect has extremely opposite views on everything, may not be very tolerant, and so on. But theyre FRIENDLY to me. And maybe the attention is what has thrown me. Its obviously appealing. But, of course, how can I casually drop in that I think we'd hate each other if we knew each other??

So my inability to be myself kicks in, and the internal stress arises, as a result.

What I hoped for instead, was to give myself time to feel safe enough at this place to GRADUALLY start to let others get to know me, and gradually express myself and feelings more as time went on. Which I think is healthier and more balanced.

But this has thrown me, triggered old patterns im trying to avoid. But as is so often the case, Im somewhat riven with self doubt and second guessing what I have written here. I THINK these written thoughts are the healthy thing-but some of me worries they arent.

I guess going at a pace that works for me and allows me to feel comfortable enough in an unfamiliar place, is probably a good move... Its just hard when I see others immediately strike up friendships and on (not all of them, but some of them).

By the way, Im not blaming the person I mentioned in any way.

[WideSargassoSea]

Felt bit better after speaking to someone about the person. Many fears about the person not liking me, taking offense, causing problems. Im worried of my past treatment from my FOO.

Its difficult to put those things aside.

[Three Roses]

Your posts make perfect sense to me and I believe the way you've approached this situation is completely healthy. 

Whether or not your fears are valid, they're still yours, and should be listened to. Our development of awareness of danger signals has been eroded by the people in our lives who've caused us harm. It's nice to see when others re-awaken these feelings in the interest of self-protection. So I say, good job! 

[WideSargassoSea]

had a slip yesterday with one of my old vices, now, today, feel bad about this and rough. Feel very sad and pained about my past and am not feeling that optimistic about being able to reach the stage of having any kind of 'normal' life.

I so wish I wasnt this way and could just feel normal and safe and relaxed in life.

[Wattlebird]

Hi widesargassosea
Sending a hug if that's ok 
your in an awfully familiar situation/ pain, makes you feel so wretched, I hope you can soon forgive yourself and move on
Best wishes 

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks Wattlebird. All thoughts and wishes and safe hugs are always welcome.

Been a bit of a rollercoaster lately emotionally speaking. Hopefully will be more smoother waters soon.

[WideSargassoSea]

Very powerful dreams last night. One of speaking my true feelings to my dad. Difficult. Feel angry and a bit afraid today.

[Hope67]

Hi WideSargassoSea,
Sending you a safe hug  and I hope that you are ok.  I know you had some powerful dreams last night, and just wanted to send you some support.
Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Im in an unexpected situation. Im beginning to think therapy isnt really for me. Not saying 'never', but part of my problem is I relentlessly analyse and question myself and my thoughts and my reasons. Over the last year, I've JUST begun to do it less, and have though I've also been through a lot of pain, I also feel I've found a little peace, a little more self belief, a little more hope, and a quieter mind.

That has coincided with not having therapy for most of last year. Prior to that I had four plus years of it. Im feeling like all there is in therapy is insight-but never more insight than I already have on myself.  I've never found a therapist with much warmth of encouragement or guidance. If I thought THAT existed out there, I'd be interested.

And thats after trying an analyst, a counsellor, a psychotherapist, a counselling psychologist, and humanistic and classic approaches.

Maybe its where I live-theres a heavy bias in style and so on. But since an early age I had nothing BUT self analysis and doubt and if anything I need guidance, encouragement, warmth, ideas and so on. Not coldness, unreadable vagueness.

Im surprised to be writing this, and of course, have many self doubts and fears that this is 'wrong'. But all I know is that, after trying another person last week, I feel worse than I have for a while. 

Im due to see her again monday, which Im absolutely dreading. I cant put my finger on it, shes just very professorial, old fashioned, seems kind of authoritarian, and due to being 'old school', does the thing of insisting that I still have to pay her for sessions even if its due to a holiday booked months in advance.

Its also a bit money related. I realised I can afford a car if I dont continue with her-and I've always wanted to move to a more rural area, which I literally cant do unless I drive-so I feel some of my future hopes are tied up in this too. Hopes that I never used to have while in therapy, ironically!

Im in two minds over this, but feel experience is edging me towards this realisation

[WideSargassoSea]

Very mixed emotions yesterday. Felt like a child with joy at one time, and at another, like the child who was so badly mistreated they had no self belief.

Im hoping this is part of getting in touch with my feelings again, but worry its a sign of things getting worse. I like to think its the former rather than the latter, but wish there was someone who could give me their opinion on it. As already mentioned, no therapists of any kind have yet done so.

[Three Roses]

Getting in touch with feelings and examining our pasts is painful. The beliefs we have about ourselves are a result of living in a toxic environment. But recovery and healing are at least partially about taking our beliefs and rewriting them, so we can be the people we now want to be. WE get to say who we are. WE get to say what we want our lives to look like. It's OUR right to speak up and be heard.

I wish healing could happen without looking into the cause of our hurts. I'm in the same boat right now. It really hurts to feel all the feelings I was told I couldn't. The feelings that I was told didn't exist. You've had your pain minimized and it's your right to look into it and say what happened, you will be heard.

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks for the comments. Great to hear views on things.