Hoping for the best

[Hope67]

Hi WideSargassoSea - I hope you are ok, as I know you're having a difficult time, and sending you another hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[WideSargassoSea]

Hey thanks for that.

I was really worried because I had to face a blood test and dread those things. Not good at them.

Thankfully, after a bad mistake by them last week, this week it went fine,. No results just yet, but hopefully that will be ok. Just so glad its over for now though. I've been worrying so much about it.

[WideSargassoSea]

doing a little test of my own to see what happens. will see with time.

[WideSargassoSea]

very tired today. bit of a breakthrough yesterday. important progress. just very tired from the lat few weeks that it took to reach that time.

[Not Alone]

Understandable that you are tired.  for your breakthrough and progress. Hope you are able to get some renewing rest.

[Blueberry]

Understandable that you are tired.  for your breakthrough and progress. Hope you are able to get some renewing rest.

The time shortly before and after breakthroughs exhausts me no end! Also you've been making changes which is often tiring. 
 

[Hope67]

Hi WideSargassoSea,
It's great to hear you've made some progress, and understandable that you're feeling tired.  Hope you are enjoying some rest and recuperation. 
Hope 

[WideSargassoSea]

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. And I very much appreciated the posts from my 'having a difficult day'post. i'll get to that later as Im just upset at the moment.

I didnt feel too bad for a time after things happened, but I think its hit me in a delayed way. Yesterday I couldnt do a thing. Could barely move from where I sat until very late at night.

Today I know I feel very angry and upset, which is affecting my views on the world. Its making me feel very pessimistic and frustrated. Im also finding myself with a lot of self doubts, second guessing myself over my choices in the past, and that beaten voice that keeps popping up and asking myself 'what if my parents are right? what if theyre right and Im the problem or im wrong...'

I hate that. Find it so hard.  I really hope all this begins to pass and I can heal more again.

[WideSargassoSea]

Well its been a heck of a time. I saw a psychoanalyst yesterday but felt very uncomfortable and frustrated. She seemed bored and uninterested, unsympathetic and cold. And at the end I have to hand over £50. One pound for every minute. All I could think was-'when I visit the Samaritans center to speak with one, I feel listened to, empathized with, and feel better-and its not fifty pounds'.

And the same goes for a kind of support group I go to.

Im actually kind of dreading seeing her again next week. Im certainly not ready to open up to her about the deepest things, because I dont yet feel comfortable with her. I feel if I was able to wait a few weeks and get some of the things over with that are coming up that are very stressful (like the police interview to report the stalking), that I might feel a bit differently.

But being a psychoanalyst, she doesnt allow any rescheduling, or weeks off even if notified in advance.

I dont know. I want to give it more of a go  for a few weeks maybe-but not now, at this time. But shes always busy and if I say I'll try seeing her again in a month, she may literally be unavailable for a year (her words). I feel extremely frustrated by this situation, her manner and terms, and dont like it one bit. But Im also afraid to 'miss out' on potential help. Im always overly afraid of the notion of 'missing out'....

[Three Roses]

Regardless of any therapist's level of skill, it's impossible for one person to be able to help every single patient. If you are put off by her demeanor, her ability to reach and help you will not be what they could be. It's important for us to learn to listen to our inner voices telling us which people are the "right" matches for us. Best of luck to you in this.

[Blueberry]

 

You need to click with a therapist, almost. Obviously you don't become friends but there needs to be a feeling of "I trust this person / I feel heard and understood". My therapist says that has to go both ways in fact. He won't take a client on if it doesn't "click" for him too. That's being honest and upright.

I wouldn't stay long with somebody I dreaded, especially not if I was paying 50 pounds per session. The wrong therapist for a patient can do more harm than good. Been in that situation  before, wasted money in that kind of situation too. I echo 3Roses with "Best of luck to you!" and patience if you have to wait and search a while for the optimum therapist for you.

[WideSargassoSea]

ThreeRoses, Bluberry - yeah I kind of agree. After much thought, I mailed her to say I wouldnt be continuing. I felt better, though I do have a bit of a 'hangover' feeling of 'where now'. Guess constant second guessing and a need to feel Im always forging ahead are sort of endemic to me! But I think I made the right choice.

I had a thought that put the money in perspective to today. Realised that for 50 quid a week, I could use a recording studio for two hours weekly-as someone into recording and writing songs, thats a shocking thought to me. Its made me realise that for that amount of money, therapy really does need to feel right or be helping. I could get a lot of pleasure and fun from two hours a week in a recording studio!

Im glad you found someone youre comfortable with and is helpful. I guess its about finding a balance between difficult work and trust?

[Not Alone]

I think it was good that you trusted your gut feeling and cancelled your appointment. 

[WideSargassoSea]

entry for tuesday

yesterday was not good. realised i'd confused dates and a legal issue (due to a utility bill I'd gotten behind on) was due not in a month, but in a week. spent the entire day and most of the evening rushing around in a numb haze to sort things out best i could. it spilled into today too. in fact i've only just now gotten it sorted. a lot of hassle though.

cant say how much im dreading tomorrow. i shake when i think of it.

its the day of going to the police to give a detailed report of the recent stalking by a parent.

im dreading how much background they may ask me, history, relationship, past abuses etc.

the thought of having to go through some of that especially with strangers is horrific to me. i suspect i'll be numb for a couple of days then get hit hard and be in pieces for a week.

then there's a medical thing to look into the week after.