Wrangle a Ferret

[Ellis]

I was talking to my partner last night, trying to express what it feels like to have these flashbacks and intrusive memories. I said to them...

My flashbacks are a complicated network of tubing. Boxes on a floor all connected to one another with very small hollow tubing. Some are connected, some are not. But in that complicated network of boxes and tubes is an untamed ferret.

Every now and then, a trigger will happen by. Just like the tubing, the trigger can be miniscule and seemingly meaningless compared to the average perspective. But we have ferrets. Despite the tiny tubes, the ferret still manages to weave through these small tubes and reach a box. And when it does, it causes us pain and flashbacks until the ferret eventually loses interest.

But I feel like I can manage these flashbacks, if I just have the strength to Wrangle a Ferret. A trigger will happen, and the ferret will weave and turn through the tubing. But when it reaches its box, I'll open it up and shove my hands inside to catch it. But ferrets are writhing small creatures that bite and squirm. I can't wrangle it always, and I can't calm it down always. But sometimes I do, if I can just hold onto it and instead of angrily throwing it somewhere, I'll tell it sternly... "Calm down, you're safe".

I'll talk to it, ease it. Unfortunately whilst it works in the mean time, the ferret is untamed and wild and doesn't like this strange comfort. Eventually I let it back into its network of tubing... And the cycle repeats. But the more I calm it down, the more I address it and confirm my safety, the less likely it is for that ferret to go to a box. And I hope that eventually, with each trigger and flashback that happens, I can coax myself into a feeling of safety. And the ferret will one day find that no matter where it goes, it will be wrangled and it will have no power over me. And on that one day, it will run away.

The boxes are memories, the tubing is the links between them. My wrangling is my flashback management, my attempt to turn these flashbacks into simply memories that won't influence my emotions as they do now.

This is my 5am rambling because I can't sleep. Lol

[woodsgnome]

 

Thanks for sharing that creative spark, Ellis.

I sometimes just gave up on always trying to make logical sense of what happened; and how things sometimes surprisingly float and flash back in upsetting ways. Having burned out on constantly analyzing what went wrong, I also turned to metaphors and imaginative stories to deal with the pain and turn it into something I could more easily relate to, as the logical head-sense had failed me. There were, and are, times when these imaginary romps with my imagination were really the only thing that saved me from falling further into the pit of depression (although sometimes I fell further anyway).

I like the idea of calming that's highlighted in your story. You'd rather have a cure, but it doesn't happen, and the ferret escapes to live another day. All seems lost, then comfort and self-compassion come into play. That's been helpful to me, too -- try as hard as I can, sometimes there's nothing I do that seems to work. But the comfort, even if it comes through a story I can relate to, is a great aid to re-framing and re-orienting my experience. "Calm down, you're safe" is an important reminder.

Again, thanks! And best wishes for the next time you have to 'Wrangle a Ferret'-- 

[sj]

that was a great description

[Erebor]

Excellent description.

[Oscen]

Hi Ellis, I like your imagery. The unpredictability of it all and the feeling that the memories have their own agency and pop up when they want to, like a ferret, make it hard.

I'm off to google videos of ferrets now!