Need advice to reveal CPTSD to my wife

Started by vision_of_change, November 26, 2018, 03:27:01 PM

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vision_of_change

Hi there

- my wife I believe has had CPTSD most of her life developed at around 10-12y when she was abused by her pedophile gf and maybe others
- She was always "sensitive" in many ways (sounds, distrubances, arguments, insinuations).
- for 10y I've been stepping on egg shells.  I don't even tell her that I want her to clean the  house (or whatever) because it would
trigger a conversation where she argues back that I'm a jerk.
- the signs were always there, it was always strange having her jump/gasp when I'd get into our bedroom (say I was watching tv and came into the bedroom while she was just dozing off)
- she is hypervigilant - she'll be watching me drive when I drive, she'll see a health concern all the way to the most serious issue/outcome and then react with that intensity (e.g. a kelloid on our sons face can turn into something that will make him be made fun of when he is older...if you dont buy it and say it will be fine... she will be very angry with you | obviously her reality is different).  Basically she sees real situations in their worst outcomes - almost like she is hyper aware of unlikely outcomes and acts on them.
- at any stressful situation, she gets extremely vigilant.  For example, if our kid falls walking  downt he porch staris and trips in the front, she'll say "i told you should be outside watching her" - I'll retort "she fell cause that happens, me being outside watching her is not going to change that".  and then she'll take that as  me being argumentative (ergo: I should just stay silent).  If you get frustrated and make a incredulous face she will say "you're being aggressive to their mom I  cant take it, if you want to be aggressive please just don't do it front of my kids"   Eventually I will lose my top giving her justification she needs in her position
- At this point, she feels I'm an abuser - in these little acts - any sort of directive comment is aggression

I went to see a psychologist and he was helpful in telling me "you are not her medicine".  Eventually got my wife to go for the last 11 months on the premise that we need to fix our relationship.  She is adamant that I have aggression issues and thus need help (and if I wasnt like this there would be no problems) and keep calling her crazy (I'm sure I've said that at times in frustration, or like "this is crazy").   Each appointment seems to be a rehash of discovering how she feels hopeless.  The psychologist is sort of warming up her subconscious in subtle ways like for example "each time you come things are getting calmer, you can't do work when you're inflamed - like a muscle".  The psych told me that if I was to confront her there is no way she will want to be helped - like a phobia you don't address it if you dont have to.  He also before we started coming together that effectively we have to drag to the river - meaning to her this is going to be almost like a life/death matter.

For me, I can't take it anymore and dont see progress after a year of the psych.  I think he's trying to build the relationship with her, an ellicit self-revelation eventually - but how long? Our next meeting with the psych is Dec 21st.  I constantly, like for a year, have wanted to write a warm loving letter but I just don't know how it will be received. The key points would be "she's normal but dealing with survival instincts she had to develop - she was effectively help hostage in her own home for years by a pedophile gf", 2nd point "I'm not interested in throwing the past in her face" - she doesnt want to deal with that, 3rd point "Imagine how it would feel to have a weight off your shoulder - literally she has the hardest shoulders I've ever encountered" and her entire well being could improve (has fibro symptoms).   Lastly, we have kids who are being impacted - they literally feel her reactions and get very frustrated - they can't understand her emotions.  She believes that dad is aggressive and if he wasn't everything would be rosy. I will say on the whole I am very supportive and the only reason our family sticks together is because i have NO EXPECTATIONS  - we can go weeks with clothes on the floor - but she will find time to go value shopping.  Of course, being a loving person she is very dedicated to the kids and puts 100% effort there.

What do you guys think?   Should I tell her the truth in a letter and eschew the advice of the psych   One of these time's I'm just going to blurt out "you have CPTSD and I want you to get help" which WILL DEFINITELY NOT be the best approach.

Three Roses

Hello and welcome, VoC.

Giving advice is against our forum's guidelines -
this link will take you there.  http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0

But I doubt that any of us would tell you to to against the treatment plan your therapist has for you. He has the tools and training to make a diagnosis and you would be wise to listen. If you think things are going too slowly, it would be best to tell him that and avoid undoing any progress he has made so far.

We are not here to give advice but to share our experiences with others who think they may have cptsd, and to share what has worked for us.

Although I don't want to make you feel like you're not welcome here, our sister forum, Out of the Fog - http://outofthefog.website - is meant for the education and support of family members of the personality disordered. Perhaps they would be able to share what has worked for them, as you are more in that kind of situation. Best wishes for you and your family.

vision_of_change

i'm not looking for advice, but personal experiences/insights into similar situations.  if anyone has a story id like to hear it. where you had a breakthrough about yourself or a moment of acceptance

Kizzie

Hi VofC - There is also a new online group and information site for partners of people with Complex PTSD that might be helpful - it's at https://heathertuba.com/ and is facilitated by a trauma coach whose husband has CPTSD.

Personally I think a letter or conversation that comes from a loving and caring place would be appropriate because you and your children are affected by her trauma and have needs/wants. I say loving and caring and would also add gentle because survivors often have a lot of shame and guilt.  It may be that a bit of support/sharing of experiences from others in your position from the group I mentioned would be helpful before you go ahead with being honest in a letter or conversation.

Finally, you may want to look for a trauma informed family therapist to help you become a trauma informed couple/family. The more we all work together in our families, the more we build resiliency in the face of all that past trauma that ripples outward in the present.  :)

Kizzie

I just saw that you are looking for others to share their experiences but will leave my post as you may find some of it useful. My experience was not of my spouse having to tell me I had CPTSD so I don't really have anything to share on that front, but there may be those in the partners' group I mentioned that are in a similar position.


vision_of_change

did someone just delete the great response left by a poster with "fury"?

it was a brilliant response and helped me a lot to learn what the other person is feeling from someone who has cptsd.

if that response is disqualified you are missing the point of what we need here.


Three Roses

Since our members have the ability to delete their own posts, chances are more likely that happened. Posts are rarely deleted in their entirety by the moderators and then only if they totally ignore all the guidelines.

I doubt seriously that anyone is missing the point of what we need here.

Kizzie

I removed the post VoC as it did not comply with our guidelines. I have asked the poster to rewrite it so that it does and will repost it once they do.