Letter to my Ex Partner (To Send)

[Ellis]

Dear S,

You apologised to me the other day...
But let me tell you this.

Remember when a while back you told me you did a test on sociopathic tendencies? You scored extremely high. At first I didn't think much of it, "it's just an internet fad". But as time went on, I started realising... maybe the test had a point. A lot of things happened between you and me, things you didn't believe were wrong. Sometimes you'd do or say something in public that was highly inappropriately and I'd feel so angry and confused thinking "Why would you do that??". But it didn't seem to affect you, you thought it was funny. But I was embarrassed and ashamed to be with you.

I don't think you can even understand how you made me feel or what you did. You apologised to me for those extreme cases, but do you truly realise what you've done? It's not just about the marriage being shoved down my throat, and it's not just about the time you tried to barge into the bathroom when I'd locked it trying to get away from you.

Remember when I was at my lowest and you severely harmed yourself in front of me to make me do what you wanted? That's sick, and it traumatised me. That's abuse.
Remember when I was obviously trying to get away from you to feel safe, and instead you literally grabbed me to stop me from going? That's abuse.
Remember when I parted from you to make myself happier and safer? Your friends, your best friend, all cussed me out and told me I was a horrible person. That's abuse.
Remember when I said I wasn't ready for sex? And you pushed me and urged me and said it was unfair for me to refuse? That's abuse.

And those are just the things I can remember right now. Who knows what I've suppressed...

You proposed to me when I was 16. Your family and my family all wanted me to get married off to you, you who had treated me so disgustingly. Does this now make any sense to you? Why it hurt so much... why I'm traumatised. I spent my entire teenage-hood with you, behind masks and a fawning facade. I completely lost my sense of personality. I didn't know who I even was because I was so dedicated to pleasing you, so you wouldn't be upset with me.

You say you miss me but you're actually missing a doormat. The person you 'loved' and wanted to marry was the ghost of my family trauma. That ghost doesn't exist anymore.

I have CPTSD, and whilst that affects my mind in so many awful ways, I at least have recovered enough to know now... I've been too self-doubtful and scared to say it in the past, but I'm finally going to say it - it was all abuse.

I've lost something I'll never get back; time, innocence, my childhood.
And that is why S, I can't forgive you.
I don't hate you. I don't want revenge.
I'm just tired, and I want to be free.

Regards,
Ellis.

[Ellis]

After having sent this to my ex, they replied acknowledging what I'd said and understood that they'll never get forgiveness from me.

I don't even know how to describe what this all feels like. If anything it feels weirdly ambivalent at the moment. We went no contact for so long that I disconnected any and all feelings for them, only the memories remaining. So now they seem like a stranger to me. I guess that's the best thing I could ask for, the safest option.

At least now I feel validated and if I didn't have closure before I definitely have it now.

[Three Roses]

I don't know what to say, so I will just offer you my support. 

[Ellis]

I don't know what to say, so I will just offer you my support. 

Your comment is more than enough, thank you Three Roses!